The doctor had tears in his eyes. This can’t be good, thought Larry.
“Larry, I’m afraid you have a positive diagnosis of HIV,” the doctor said. It was the doctor’s first diagnosis of HIV to a patient. “You have about two or three more years to live.”
A cold ripple of fear swept over Larry. Larry realized in that moment that everything was about to change. Aside from his life being cut short, he could no longer live the double life he was living. For one thing, he could not risk spreading HIV to the rest of his community.
But it wasn’t just that… he had to tell his wife! Larry contemplated this new reality with dread. What would she think?
“It’s amazing we’re still married, it really is,” reflects Larry today. For years he had been living with a secret that had been eating away at him. “For years I was petrified that she would leave me if she found out about my secret life.”
On the day of his diagnosis, he told her everything. The anonymous encounters with other men. The sexual addiction. And, on the day of his diagnosis, Larry’s life did change. But not in the way he expected it to.
The roots of addiction
It had all started when Larry was young. Born into a farming family in rural Saskatchewan, Larry experienced a lot of pressure from his parents and his peers. He was forced to practice long hours on the piano and suffered from bullying at school.
By the time Larry was 13, his family doctor started to sexually abuse him. Over the years the doctor would find extra reasons that Larry needed medical attention – allergies tests, shots, etc. Larry couldn’t bring himself to tell his parents who were busy on the farm and enamored with the doctor who had saved the life of Larry’s younger sister. To them, the doc could do no wrong.
Larry began to find the interest his doctor showed in him to be strangely appealing. It compensated for his need to feel appreciated and affirmed – a feeling he was not receiving from his father or his peers. When in high school, Larry started experimenting with sex with his male friends.
But Larry was living a double life. He remained very active in his church and worship ministry throughout all his childhood and youth. When he was 16, he officially gave His heart to Christ hoping that would solve all his issues. Going into university, Larry’s anonymous sexual encounters with men had grown into a full-blown addiction. “These relationships never bordered on anything close to romantic love,” says Larry. He didn’t know or care what happened in the personal lives of these men, and they didn’t really care about Larry’s life. It was purely about physical gratification.
“It felt like the real me was on a shelf somewhere observing Larry the strong Christian and talented musician using his gifts for God,” observes Larry. “And the other Larry was this out-of-control sex addict.”
Time and again, Larry found himself making many deals with God. “I would ‘white knuckle’ my way through abstinence for a week or a month,” Larry recalls. He would try with all his strength not to succumb to the pull of addiction.
Eventually he got married thinking that his marriage would provide him with the sexual gratification he needed.
But the addiction was about more than just sex. “There was something in the anonymity. The frequency. The danger of encountering someone in a washroom or stairwell,” explains Larry. The excitement and fear would combine to create a potent concoction of adrenaline and endorphins – a powerfully addictive chemical for the brain. “The marriage just couldn’t measure up to that.”
The power of sharing
Larry’s wife was already aware of his childhood trauma and sexual abuse by his doctor, but what she was not aware of was the fact that this early abuse triggered a long-term addiction that Larry continued to feed during their marriage.
“Ok Larry,” said his wife after Larry tearfully shared the news of his diagnosis. She was surprisingly calm.
“You have an option,” she finally said. “You have to go and seek help, or out of protection for my own health we will have to separate.”
It was a more than reasonable request, reflects Larry. He was a bit stupefied actually. How could she be so forgiving?
“Something broke when I told my wife,” says Larry.
Larry suddenly no longer had anything to lose. He had been clutching on to his secret in fear of the shame of judgement or rejection from his wife or the church. The fear had become a prison. “I thought everything would be taken from me. When she responded the way she did, with grace, and without condemnation, I was suddenly released from the grip fear.”
Larry’s wife was the first out of many who would respond to Larry’s story by saying “Yes, it’s ok. I’m still here. I will help.”
That day, Larry decided he was going to really give God a chance that he had never given Him before.
After telling his wife, the next step was telling his boss. Once again, the fear welled up in Larry. It may have had something to do with the fact that he worked as a missionary at a well known Christian organization.
“Let’s just stop right now and pray,” said Larry’s boss after Larry shared his news. Larry was shocked. To this day he can’t remember what his boss prayed – just the image of him kneeling in front of Larry while he sat and then giving him a big hug.
“I think it would be appropriate to go back to all your major donors who have supported you over the years and tell them what you can about your story,” said Larry’s boss. “And don’t do it in a letter. I want you to take some time off and visit or phone them.”
Larry swallowed nervously. Ok, he thought. Here goes.
So he did it. It was hard but, once again, Larry was surprised by grace. “They responded with compassion and empathy,” recalls Larry.
Additionally, Larry went to the pastor of his church in Bridgeland (now, Centre Street Church’s Bridgeland Campus) and once again received the response of total grace. Being a recognized missionary under the denomination, Larry was also required to speak to the head of the Evangelical Missionary Church of Canada. After a one-year suspension as part of the Moral Lapse Policy for recognized missionaries, Larry’s pastor wrote a letter to the conference of the denomination recommending that Larry be reinstated.
Total grace.
Encouraging others
Larry learned many things from his challenging journey, not the least of which included the power of sharing one’s struggle. “I was a prisoner to the fear of being found out. By telling everyone there was no power to it any more,” says Larry. who today serves and shares at Journey Canada, a Christ-centric discipleship ministry that helps people with their relationships, sexuality and identity. “And when I’m praying for somebody, I’m also praying for myself inside. I keep myself in a position of availability for God to keep teaching me. This is not just for people who struggle, but also for those who live very normal Christian lives. We all need accountability.”
Larry also stresses getting to the root of the addiction. “God would like to see me get rid of my addictions,” says Larry, noting that the root of his addictions was the need for self affirmation. “If what’s causing those addictions are still there or not worked out, those addictions will just change shape into something else because there is something in my heart – a need to be met.”
Today, Larry is finding true fulfillment of those unmet needs through God – one day at a time. Even his wife has seen the difference in Larry’s life. “You used to lack passion, but now your passion for life is boundless!” she told Larry recently. “You’re excited about what you’re doing, you have real joy and you encourage other people.”
“Those were her words,” says Larry smiling broadly.
The highest mosaic register on the wall of the frontal above the apse in S. Apollinare in Classe depicts the symbols of the Four Evangelists who, in a scene of apocalyptic flavour and two by two, flank the bust of the Saviour who, giving his blessing, holds a book, inscribed in a clipeus among the clouds as an image of parousia. The layout of the four symbols is somewhat surprising in comparison with analogous representations: a unique order is not usually followed. Here there is a certain rationality inasmuch as Matthew and John stand in canonical and hierarchical sequence on Christ's right while Mark and Luke are on his left. This is an absolutely orthodox composition since Matthew and John (being Apostles as well as Evangelists) must stand on the right while Mark and Luke, Evangelists only, must stand on the left. Furthermore, as Mark was a disciple of Peter (who has primacy over Paul whose disciple Luke was) it is Mark himself who deserves first place on the left. So Paul's disciple Luke is on the extreme left. This is humanity's evaluation in an interpretative ecclesiastical tradition established after the end of the 4th century.
I am a consecrated Christian solitary brother, observant of the Rule of St. Albert (CCC 920-921). I serve the body of Christ in fraternal community with the Order of Preachers (Rom 11:17).
Please pray for us in our call and mission to serve God and His church. / The monks here depicted are of the eremitic Order of St. Jerome (Hieronymites) to whom I was introduced in Lisbon, Portugal through the 'Mosteiro dos Jeronimos' world heritage site.
The blog title page features an image of the Carmelite Martyrs of Compiègne who gave their lives for the peace of God's people during the French Revolution's reign of terror.
Holy Carmelite Saints & Martyrs please pray for us +
For (well intentioned) questions related to the teaching of the Church in the areas of faith and morals you are very welcome to email me at the following address and I will try to be of assistance or refer you to other resources - Peace in our Jesus :) hermitbrothersjmc@gmail.com
Symbol of St. Luke (160 x 140 cm.)
