hermit brother: 2023

“…To Love and to Be Loved” – Jesus and a Same-Sex-Attracted Man

– An Apologia & Testimony

by Adam Westen Setla

–+–

“Put on the armour of God.” – “If you seek to serve the Lord, prepare for an ordeal.”

*The following is written to encourage same-sex-attracted young people who want to live in relationship with God

more than they want to pursue their sexual inclinations. All names & locations referred to hereafter are changed

out of respect for privacy.

“I have called you by your name. You are mine. Water will not drown you. Fire will not burn you. I would give up nations for you. You are precious to me. I love you.” – Isaiah 43

“All things pass – God alone never changes. God alone is enough.” – St. Teresa of Ávila

CHAPTER I – Orthodox Catholic & Same-Sex-Attracted

As an orthodox Christian in faith, biblical, and moral belief and practice; an indigenous man of mixed racial heritage; socio-economically of the university educated ‘working class’; and “gay” by societal categorization, but celibate by conscience, faith, and moral conviction, I feel very much an outsider in my own country and in the western, secular/anti-Christian, socially liberal, cultural sphere. In North America I feel like I am in a fight for my life and my faith; in other words, for my survival. I have spent my entire life working to establish an understanding of my origins and identity. Today I might be classified as a ‘gender queer gay man,’ however, this is not even an iota of what I would offer the world as a defining description of ‘who I am,’ not now, and not since I was a teenaged boy.

Multi-Generational Trouble

Imagine your father has no capacity to care for you; imagine his father abandoned him and his little brother; imagine his paternal grandmother died and his paternal grandfather had to leave his children to provide for the family, placing my Dad’s father in the hands of an abusive step-mother.

Then, imagine your dad’s indigenous mother was born of an adulterous one-night stand his maternal grandmother had had ‘with the man she loved,’ (but whom her father had forbidden her to marry). Imagine her biological father was a man she never knew, while ‘the father who raised her’ referred to her as ‘the bastard’ of his wife. Imagine how that sort of personal history might impact you – and then stop imagining. That is the history of my father’s family.

My indigenous grandmother’s mom died, when my grandmother was still a child; her younger brother died when he was 16. I do not know what became of her ‘father(s).’ My grandmother was living on her own by the age of 14, fending for herself in a world where Indians and ‘Half-breeds’ (a legal term as it happens, but a people now referred to as ‘Métis’) like her were looked upon somewhat worse than they are today (who could tell the difference between one kind of ‘Indian’ and another anyway?).

My paternal grandmother had six children with three men, and later married a fourth man. She was encouraged, as an ‘Indian’ woman, to give up her children to the state in the 1950’s, and she did. All her kids were raised in foster care, including my Dad and his full brother; my grandma was a drinker so there was some logic to her decision. She gave up alcohol at 65 years of age and lived another 20 years sober.

As a boy my Dad was blonde with blue eyes; his little brother was blue eyed too, but with dark hair, and olive skin. Their paternal grandparents, Mennonites, said they’d adopt my Dad but would not take my uncle, because he was ‘too obviously Indian.’ My Grandma would have none of that, insisting that the boys remain together. So, as a pair, they were placed in the city orphanage. At their departure from home my Grandmother said to my then nine-year-old Dad, “Take care of your little brother,” who was seven years old at the time. So on that little boy’s nine year old shoulders was set his younger brother, and my Dad carried him throughout his early life.

My Dad and uncle remained in the orphanage for two difficult years. Finally they were fostered out to a good woman who had three small children and a chronically-ill husband, who according to my uncle, didn’t like ‘Indians’ much. My Dad and uncle were raised by their foster Mom until they were 18 and have remained in close relationship with her for more than 60 years.

My Mom, as a child, was ill treated by her father, never good enough for her mother, and sexually molested by a mentally-handicapped older brother. My father once said to me in my adulthood that he could never understand why, even from the time I was born, my mother was so mean to me. Years later, my Mom explained that she didn’t want me to be emotionally weak in the ways she felt she was, so she treated me harshly to make me stronger than her. She recognised, over years, however, that all she had done was hurt me.

My parents conceived me out of wedlock at 19 (Mom) and 23 (Dad). They were both sad and broken kids at the time I was born, and they could not show me more love or acceptance than they themselves had received from their own parents, or had for themselves. I was emotionally neglected, threatened, intimidated, and terrified by both of my parents, from as early as I can recall. I was shown little affection, was always in the wrong, punished and never nurtured, however, God was always there. God reached me before I knew his name. He knew my situation.

God let me know he was with me when I was five-years old. It was in the late-1970’s at a church mission outreach for children on the prairies. I sensed Jesus near me, literally behind me, and from then on I wanted to be with God only, and forever – to be married to God. A pastor, in his ‘special church clothes,’ was up on what seemed to me to be a stage. So, I thought that to be with Jesus alone and forever was to be a person like that, a priest. It took decades for me to see it otherwise, and to recognise that to be a Christian is to put Jesus first, period. I could not survive my childhood, Jesus saved me. He saved my life from an otherwise inescapable darkness.

Early Life

As a child, through to young adulthood, I experienced, and suffered from, gender confusion. My mother was the dominant parental force in my family. Dominating, emotionally neglectful, and unkind; My Dad was emotionally absent, threatening, abusive, and an alcoholic.

I know I found males physically attractive from the time I was two or three years of age. At that very early stage of life I remember definitely preferring the looks of Sylvester Stallone’s movie character, ‘Rocky Balboa,’ over those of his movie girlfriend, for what that is worth. When I was around five, I watched The Hardy Boys with Shaun Cassidy and noticed that Cassidy’s looks caused me to get physically aroused, though I had no idea what my body was doing or why.

At this point I will state that I do not believe homosexuality to be genetic, nor that it is something one is, for various ‘in utero’ reasons, ‘born with.’ Most, if not all, of the dozens of same-sex-attracted men I have known over the years experienced some sort of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse and/or neglect in their early childhood or youth.

I was raised amongst females and females alone. From infancy my only playmates were girls until I got to school, and even in kindergarten I could only relate to girls as I’d never had boys to associate with. My parents’ friends had only daughters, and I grew up with two younger sisters. I’d met two or three boys before I was four or five years old, and only once, as far as I can recall. They were the sons of a friend of my Dad. I could not make any sense of them; they were flying embodied chaos. They terrified me. When I was in kindergarten (five years of age), and then again when I was seven years old, I had a single male ‘friend’ of about my age. I was drawn to them mostly because I found them handsome. A counselor, I saw in my early twenties, explained to me that I could not relate healthily to other males, nor emotionally and psychologically understand myself as male, because, amongst other things, I had been socialised amongst females from infancy. I had, literally, to learn how to ‘be male,’ and doing so in adulthood does have its limitations.

Identity & Christian Faith

Regardless of the difficult family origins one might have, your heritage in time and space is identity. Knowing one’s cultural and linguistic heritage, and one’s familial religious traditions, of past and present, is important for situating and anchoring oneself in the created order, in this physical world of dirt, and trees, and tears, and blood.

I am a catholic, raised and formed significantly in the Byzantine Church. My Grandma was baptised ‘Greek Catholic’ in 1930 on the prairies. Her mother was born in North America. Her grand-parents were born in the Austro-Hungarian Empire, having immigrated to modern-day North America around 1920 with the first significant wave of Ruthenian migrants. The Ruthenians have Norse roots from Kievan-Rus, and they are fighters. I hope I am a worthy one of their descendants. Within the heritage and identity I am gradually discovering myself to possess, on my father’s side I have also come to know myself as a western North American of Countryborn-Métis, Cree, Ojibway, Orcadian Norse-Scots, English, French, and Dutch Mennonite heritage. I come from people who have fought, survived, and thrived.

The Great Western Prairie Sea

As a small child driving across the prairies in the back seat of my parents’ big green 1970’s car, (climbing and jumping around because seatbelts weren’t a thing yet in those days), across the golden fields and down the gravelly dirt roads, I would see again and again something that shone an even brighter gold. I could see these unusual solitary buildings that stood out from the prairie landscape. Atop each one gleamed a golden-pointed dome, the pinnacle of which would bear a cross that had three bars across it, a small one near the top, a big bar just below it, and then a diagonal bar near the bottom, different from the ones I would see on churches in towns. The beauty and strangeness of these buildings with their unusual crosses fascinated me.

One day I recall asking my Ruthenian grandma about the buildings and the unusual crosses on them. My grandma responded, (not without some confusion I’m sure, because I was barely clear about what I was trying to describe to her), that those were ‘Greek Catholic’ churches. She went on to tell me that she had been baptised Greek Catholic, in the faith tradition of her mother. Her father, also a Slavic immigrant, was of the Roman Catholic faith, and due to the easier accessibility of the Roman Catholic church in the area, it was in that tradition that she had been raised. Suffice it to say that one of the first ‘calls’ I received from God, to come follow him, was through the spiritually inspired architectural beauty of these golden, onion-domed, Greek Catholic churches on the open-prairie sea of western North America.

As a child I never once entered a Greek Catholic church, so I could not tell you how or when I first encountered saint icons, Christian monks, or Gregorian chant on the prairies in the 1970’s. I am guessing it had to have been on TV. In any case, it was not in the physical world of people, places, or things. What I can tell you for certain, however, is that despite the fact that I had pretty much no ‘religious’ context at all in which to encounter such things, there was something ‘holy' to me in them, in the sense that they drew me toward wanting to know Jesus and God better. I can’t really say I had any sense of the holy aside from this intuition in my childhood self around sacred art, sacred music, and consecrated persons like monks and nuns.

Monks fascinated me from as early in my life as I can recall, because the look of them was somehow so beautiful, the monastic robes, their lives – like religious icons – with God at the very center – their look of complete, and total, and whole, beautiful, peace. This was what I felt I could see in them. It was the idealised image of a child, I know, but it was, perhaps, the beauty of God present inside of them. The beauty of the varied expressions of Christian faith and fidelity, and its art forms, have forever, permanently, and significantly played a role in my life with God, in my following of Jesus, and in my getting to know and love the saints; the Virgin Mary perhaps most of all.

The Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary

+One Rosary+

My Great-Grandfather’s rosary

that travelled across a sea

~ and a century ~

anchored me

in the possibility

of finding Hope

and Life.

My maternal Grandma gave me a purple glass rosary when I was ten years old. It fascinated me, how beautiful it was, how it caught the light, its oldness. She told me that it was her Dad’s and that he’d brought it from Lekhia when he immigrated to North America as a young man. He had received it from his uncle who was a Catholic priest. The simple beauty of this object, that was unfamiliar to me, and that I did not know how to use, led me to learn to pray in a new way to God. The Rosary has helped me to hold on to life for all my decades since.

Saint Anne

I met Anne at my little parish church up north, when I was eleven or twelve years old. She was the church custodian; she was hard of hearing; she wore thick glasses; she had a thick accent; and even as a kid, I could tell that people looked down on her. She was genuinely disregarded by almost everyone. As I got older we became close friends, as much as a little boy could be befriended by a grown up. We would eat soup and a bun at the local bakery, or we’d visit at her place. Her kids were my age. She’d had a little boy too, who had died tragically young, before I met her. Her heart was broken and always remained so. Maybe I reminded her of him? Anne loved Jesus so, so, very much and she pointed me to Him, invariably, invariably, she pointed me to Him, and to her beloved Vierge Marie, too.

As time passed my family moved towns, for my sake, and over the ensuing years Anne and I lost touch, but would get news of one another via community connections. In my later teens, in the midst of the spiritual warfare I lived through in my soul in Iberia, I heard God speak one thing very clearly to me, “You are being saved by Anne’s prayers.” Years later, the first time I met Anne again after my return to North America, I asked her, “Have you ever prayed for me?” To which she replied, “Oh Westen, I have prayed for you every day since the first day that I met you.”

Recognizing Sexual Inclinations

I was about 10 when puberty kicked in, and at that age I became very aware of what ‘gay’ meant, and that I was one. As a result I fell into a profound depression, and possibly even what I can confidently refer to as a form of spiritual oppression. I’d already been severely, mercilessly, bullied from Grade 4 on, perhaps for no other reason than that I was a new kid, shy, and I didn’t play hockey.

As I moved into adolescence, interactions with females became both necessary and repugnant. I could only relate to females, but I resented that fact, and only half secretly held the female friends I had in contempt; like I held myself in contempt. The thought of any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with a female seized me with panic and disgust. The mere thought of it was a life-killing suffocation. ‘The feminine’ was a suffocating tyranny.

In junior high my parents arranged for me to see a school counselor to discuss my sexuality. As a consequence of my conversation with the counselor, he let my parents know that homosexuality is not something that one typically ‘grows out of,’ and that my inclinations were not likely to change. The worst part of this counseling experience for me was my parents’ drift into despair over my life, and my future. They gave up hope in me. Further to their giving up hope in me, my father began to bully and threaten me even more than he had done all of my life up to that point. “There are no people ‘like that’ in this family.” “You’ll be out on your ass in the street, and this family will have nothing to do with you anymore, if your Mom or sisters get harrassed because of you and your faggot friends.” And he’d write little notes in the entertainment magazines my Mom bought with arrows pointing to the “faggots” that were public celebrities, Boy George and others, knowing I would see them. I was 13 years old.

Early Teens

I discovered music in the days of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, however, British alternative music was my thing; songs like ‘Smalltown Boy’ by Bronski Beat, ‘Stripped’ by Depeche Mode, and other, darker stuff, were my life’s soundtrack at the time. At school the bullying only ramped up through junior high. I provoked it some, even a lot, because I insisted upon asserting ‘my true identity.’ As a result of being bullied for being “a faggot,” I decided in junior high to change that narrative and be bullied on my own terms, but now for being a punk-rocker. Soon I developed a group of like-minded, ‘punk-rocker’ friends, who loved and supported me, and I them. They were nearly all a year my senior and were moving on to Grade 10 while I was to be stuck, alone, in Grade 9. It looked like death to me. Before the school year ended one of our group attempted suicide. He survived, but my own depression and anxiety only grew from that point on, and consequently resulted in a mental and emotional breakdown. By that summer’s end my family moved towns so that I could survive and find a way ahead. I was 14 years old.

A New Town

Thinking of the music I listened to in my early teens brings back memories of the friends I made in the new town to which we moved – Joe, David, and Jared. In one way or another we were all the torn-apart kids of broken families. David was the first of my friends I told, “I am gay,” and he said, “That’s COOOOOOOL!” Well, it wasn’t cool, but he did accept me as I was… troubled and desperate as I was.

Junior high in the new town went okay, and so did the transition into high school. At my high school I felt comfortable enough with our Ruthenian Catholic chaplain, the young Fr. Antonio, to tell him that I believed I was ‘gay,’ and that I wanted to follow Jesus and live as a Christian before all else. I was about 16 years of age. He didn’t blink an eye. This was probably a big part of what allowed me to just keep going with Jesus. Fr. Antonio accepted me, respected me, did his best to answer my questions in the light of orthodox Christian faith, and supported me in my searching. He encouraged me and did not judge me. He involved me in the life of the church, and we prayed together frequently. He’s the first adult, besides family, whom, I told I was ‘gay.’

God’s Grace

When I was a teen I liked shadows and dark, and I darkened all the spaces I went into. I closed up everything to let in as little light as possible. Nowadays my sisters sometimes comment when I visit their houses that I “always go around opening the blinds” to let the sun in. With the coming of Jesus to my life I began to find unnecessary darkness, like blocked out sources of natural light, unbearable. For that reason I have to open blinds to let light in.

My sisters have helped me to see that our parents, though very broken and disadvantaged in many ways as they grew up, were still able to teach us three of the most important things I’d say there are to pass on to kids, namely integrity, good character, and faith in Jesus.

I. Integrity: Being a man or woman of your word; living privately what you profess publicly.

II. Good Character: Being an upright person who does good and takes action for the good; a defender of the weak, the poor, the widow, the orphan, the outsider, the unloved, the uncared for.

III. Christian Faith: Faith is a gift of God. My Mom and Dad shared with us the simple faith they had, and hold, as they were able – not so much with words as with their positive intentions, and good character, imbued with the grace of God that fills up all the cracks of our very real shortcomings.

God was moving and acting in our lives as individuals, and as a family, when I did not yet know it, and so was Jesus’ mom the Virgin Mary, surely at His request.

Choosing Jesus

As a teen I knew I had to make a decision between choosing Jesus as my first love, or choosing a guy. I knew I had to make that decision because, at about age 16, I observed within myself a kind of teeter-totter effect in my soul. If I focused on my relationship with Jesus, my mind and heart would move away from preoccupation with good-looking guys. However, if I turned my mind and heart to pursuing a romantic relationship with another guy, it was Jesus who faded away. After testing this observation a number of times I concluded that I had to make a choice for a man or for Jesus, because Jesus wouldn’t allow for both.

At 17 years of age, I had the opportunity to study abroad, in Iberia, for my Grade 12 year. I was desperate to leave my life, my family, my past, and start again. I had long believed that I would fit in anywhere better than in the western prairies. I wanted (1) to take my faith with me, (2) to make sense of my ‘gay identity,’ and (3) to leave my demons behind. I succeeded with my first aspiration. I got no definitive answer at the time for my second goal, and as to leaving my demons behind, they are by no means bound by human limitations and needed no plane ticket to follow me.

Europe

My very first attempt at friendship with another exchange student in Iberia was with an already “out” gay teen from the United States. He was 16 years old, a year younger than myself, and he had already been ‘on the scene’ in his city back at home for about a year. Shortly after arriving in Iberia he was having sex with any man he met, and a 16-year-old kid was plenty popular on the gay scene. I was not interested in him for sex; in my conscience I knew I could not pursue that. I knew that sex would end in my committing suicide, or worse. My psychological and emotional fragility at that point was as shatter proof as fine glass.

During my ten-month stint in Iberia God, Satan, and the Blessed Virgin Mary all met with me. This is the place on earth where I first became aware, with certainty, of the existence of an eternal hell. Added to this, I was not raised with knowledge or experience of the Virgin Mary, but it was in Iberia that Jesus first introduced me to his mother.

Maria ‘Immaculada Concepciou’

You see, in Iberia I could not sleep. Then, the one and only night I spent at Mary’s shrine, on the anniversary of one of her apparitions, I slept the entire night. Was it Mary’s presence there in the past that let me sleep, that allowed me to have enough peace to rest one night and one night alone amongst hundreds of nights? Was it the prayers of the tens of thousands of people who lived there, worshipped there, prayed and petitioned God’s help for the world and the likes of me there? I do not know. All I can say is that to me it was conspicuous, and connected somehow to prayer, and most likely to Mary, Jesus’ mom, too. I was not at that time “a weird ‘Mary’ person,” as I referred then to her staunch devotees, but in the morning after my one good sleep I came to be at the Marian chapel area of the nearby church sanctuary plaza. This is the spot where the processional statue of the Virgin typically stood. A nun was there at an information table, and she said some words to me that I’ve always remembered, because in the context of my life, at the time, the words were somehow very out of place. She said to me, “Our Lady has brought you here.”

Hell Trip #1

I was 17 years old, and God was clearly calling me. I closed my eyes for three seconds and I saw before me a burning expanse as broad as I imagine the Grand Canyon to be; but that awareness of hell was not just what I was seeing; it was what I could feel – an endless dis-eased torment of separation from peace, goodness, hope; God. A voice came from behind me, like when I was five years old at the childrens’ church mission. Jesus said to me, without words, “Will you follow me? Yes, or no? If yes then come. If no… .” I replied, “Yes, I will follow you, because you are the only one who can love me as much as I need to be loved.” And I have followed.

The Bread of Life

I mentioned earlier that my first encounter with Jesus was as a child, at about five years of age, but my first conscious meeting with Jesus in the communion bread at church was when I began to follow his leading in Iberia at age 17. I was wandering the streets of a big city, looking for ‘a mission,’ maybe to work with Mother Teresa’s sisters. I saw a nun leaving a church after Mass and I asked her if she knew of any such work going on. The temperature that day was in the +25C range and she was dressed for winter. Not surprisingly, she informed me that she had just arrived from 20 years of ministering in southwest Africa and didn’t know anything regarding local church activities. I decided to go into the gradually emptying church and came upon something I had never encountered before, ‘eucharistic adoration.’ There I met Jesus in a new way, just as my life was quietly and without any fanfare, beginning to be altered forever.

Eventually, upon leaving the church, I observed two men begging alms. As they departed I ended up following a little behind them to see if I could help them in some way. After ten minutes or so I stopped for a moment, to look inside a ‘Baptist storefront-church’ window display, and lost track of them. As I proceeded along the street, I was drawn into a line-up of people moving down a makeshift corridor in front of a building, under construction, that had emblazoned across its front: Our Lady ‘Help of Christians’ Centre. As I progressed with the line of people entering the building, I gradually found myself in a large auditorium. Once inside, I saw a huge banner hanging above the auditorium stage that read, “First National Meeting of the Charismatic Christian Movement in Iberia.” I believe the Holy Spirit had brought me there to redirect my life’s journey forward.

However, “to give the devil his due,” I must also say that a friar I met that day, who arranged for me a positively life changing visit to a monastery in France, also, some weeks later, slyly attempted to get his hands in my pants (while working behind the scenes to bring me into a circle of homosexual churchmen with an interest in sexual relations with an underage teen [that would be me]). Yet, on a positive note, at the above mentioned French monastery (that I did eventually get to) I experienced my life beginning again, through a still more profound encounter with Jesus. More on that to come.

The Deceiver

I mentioned above that, while in Iberia, I met not only Jesus my Saviour, but also “the deceiver” in the persons of a predatory circle of church ministers (including the one mentioned above who got his hands in my pants because I was innocent and trusting), and a Catholic transitional deacon (who liked to rub my back with his hands up my shirt and make aggressive attempts to kiss me every chance he had me literally cornered). I did not comply with the deacon’s urging toward a sexual liaison – I was 17, of an average weight and height, and could physically resist his advances. Of course I was in, how shall I put it, a vulnerable situation, so, as the aforementioned groin grabbing friar informed me… “if I were to mention to anyone what was happening, it was I who would be called into question, and no one else.” How, after all, could a soon-to-be-ordained deacon, already 7 years in seminary and virtually a priest, a chaplain to many nuns and others, be sexually interfering with a 17 year old ‘potential seminarian’ from another country? (I later found out that a false ‘seminarian’ designation was given to me so that I would be allowed to stay some nights with the religious community).

Anyways, on one of our outings on the grounds of the seminary I asked the deacon some pointed questions pertaining to faith in God. I asked, “Jesus still does things in the way he did in the Acts of the Apostles doesn’t he?” To which the deacon responded, “God doesn’t do those things anymore.” I rejected his claim then, and emphatically reaffirm my rejection of it now.

Fatherhood and Sonship

Surprisingly, or perhaps not, I met another friar of the same community who brilliantly exemplified the light of Jesus’ love to me, and surely to all those he met. He was middle aged at the time, and he told me two stories, from his life, that continue to have great significance for me to this day.

When this friar was a young man he tested out religious life in a large priory. He was introduced to many priests and brothers. Little by little he came to be aware of the presence of an old priest whom most of the others ignored; and nearly all spoke ill of. “You see,” he said to me, “the old priest slept under a flight of stairs in the building, and kept to himself. He disappeared every day, never to be seen, and no one knew, or cared, what he did. They considered him lazy and useless. Everyone hated him.” The friar went on to say that one day, early on in his time with the community, he decided to follow the old priest, secretly, to see where he went every morning. Much to the young man’s surprise, and shock, and admiration, he discovered that the old priest would make his way to the worst, the poorest, the most desolate corner of the city. The old priest from under the stairs went every day to serve the poorest of the city’s outcasts, in secret, disregarded, and despised. From then on the young friar knew that he would spend the rest of his life as a religious brother.

The young friar grew to be a mature man in Christ, eventually becoming a formally consecrated ‘religious Brother’ in vows for life. In his own life of service, like the old priest from under the stairs, he too served in love and in secret, but his own story was a little bit different. In the Brother’s travels from day to day in service to those in need, one morning he heard the screeching and shouting and swearing of a small gang of five little boys. The boys were on the other side of a chain link fence, a stone’s throw away, and their father, drunk as could be, was cursing, and swearing, and throwing things at them. None of the children was more than nine or ten years old! Their mom was not to be seen. It was obvious, by the disheveled state of the kids, that no one was really caring for them; nor providing for them much more than what they could scrounge for themselves. The Brother decided to approach the family; he found his way around the fence.

Over some weeks and some months, this Brother got to know the family. The father was chronically unemployed, and the mother was bringing in some small income. The Brother did what he could, in particular, to help out the children. He arranged for the basics to get the boys to school so they could at least have some chance for their future; a better chance than dad and mom could at the time provide. The boys were by no means academics, but they grew to be good with others, healthy, and strong.

Rather problematically, as the boys reached high school age they needed to travel a much greater distance to study, and the fees for schooling grew significantly. For the eldest boy to complete his schooling, and so become employable, he would no longer be able to live at home. The family, and this Brother, arrived at a conundrum.

The Brother considered the options available, and he proposed a plan. He himself was responsible for the farmland and grounds of his religious community’s property. There was a big barn; there were animals; there was machinery needing maintenance; there were orchards needing to be tended, and ever fewer religious Brothers to help out. The community was also situated much nearer the high school than the family’s residence. Added to this, there was a demonstrable reason to hire a paid labourer to deal with the daily functioning of things. The Brother could perhaps train the eldest son to take on these responsibilities? The Brother, himself, was already much too occupied with matters that took him away from the day-to-day physical running of the priory.

The long and short of the story is that the eldest son of the family came to live in the barn, where he slept on a bed made from a straw-covered pallet. He went to school in the morning and he worked the farm in the afternoon and evening. He earned enough to pay his own way through school, graduated, pursued the construction trade, and became a crane operator. But not only that! Every one of the boys followed in the footsteps of their elder brother, completing high school by the same means and going on to have happy and fruitful employment, as well as families. As the old Brother said, and I quote, “The boys were not smart, but they used the strengths they had, and they have made a success of their lives with God’s help.”

When I met the Brother he still worked the priory land and cared for the animals, some. He took me around the grounds to show me the work they did and what animals they had. At the end of my little tour we stopped in the giant barn and he waved good morning to somebody. There, in the corner of the barn, was the youngest of the five brothers that this religious Brother had spent his life encouraging and helping to raise. The young man was straightening up the blankets on his mattress of straw – the breath of the animals to keep him warm in the night. A true story.

France

I was 17 years old when God took me from Iberia to the monastic fraternity of Chalon-sur-Saône in France. There, he put in one place, every means he had ever used to draw me to himself, and it was there that he knew that I would not, and perhaps could not, say no to his call for my life.

In the village of Chalon, at the ecumenical monastic community of the same name, Jesus revealed himself to me in familiar, yet new, ways. I prayed in the small Romanesque church used by the Brothers, the villagers, and visitors to the Chalon monastery. The interior of the church was simple, with just an altar, some prayer stools, a few icons, and a eucharistic vigil lamp; silent, but for the echoes of any movement great or small. However, it was not only the church interior that impacted me that first night.

When I eventually left the church, I walked through the small cemetery of no more than a few metres in proportion, and came out upon a narrow street in front of the centuries old building. There, looking up at the sky, in the light of a lone streetlamp, seeing the cross atop the church in full clarity, I had the sense that perhaps, for the first time, I was at the centre of God’s will for my life. I was 17 years old. The adventure was only beginning – and from there I unexpectedly found my way to England.

England

England and London are probably not the first places that come to mind when one thinks of ‘the Holy Land,’ but for me, England is one of mine. The list is long with reasons why. In England Jesus formed me to live my life with Him amongst Evangelical Christians of the Anglican Church. There Jesus taught me the Bible. There, in London, Jesus placed me literally at the heart of the ‘gay village,’ the epicenter of the then still raging HIV/AIDS epidemic. There he let me know that with him, I was safe, and, without him, there was no safe place in all creation from the enemy of souls – and from the enemies of sin and self-will within me.

There in central London the chapel of the Maria Dolorosa Convent was my prayer sanctuary. The convent chapel was small, around one hundred fifty years old, built at the behest of the bishop of the time as a place of perpetual eucharistic adoration and intercessory prayer for the troubles besetting the industrial neighbourhood that Kensington was in the 19^th century. There dwelt a community of mostly elderly nuns who wore light coloured habits, and whose priest chaplain was a rather liberal monastic. In the neighbourhood were Kensington Gardens, and Kensington Palace where Princess Diana lived at the time. The gay hookers’ stroll was near there. Hyde Park was close, as was Penguin Publishing with its 24/7 police security detail parked out front, because it published Salman Rushdie’s ‘Satanic Verses’ a few years earlier and an Islamic religious fatwa hung over the company, and him, for it.

The Maria Dolorosa convent chapel was, for all intents and purposes, a hidden place in the city. I found it while plumbing the depths of my despair over yet another friendship with another guy coming to ‘train wreck.’ I was wandering alone in the cold and rain on a Sunday morning when I stumbled upon the little chapel. I saw the sign and the entry gate seemed openable. The big old wooden double doors on the church façade weren’t locked. The small portico entrance was dark but accessible, and the interior doors to the church were also openable with one big, clunky, dark brass ring to crank up and release an old iron latch.

The church was not huge, but it was vaulted, open, and broad. The nuns would pray on the other side of a not very oppressive looking iron grate. A small congregation could pray on the ‘public’ side. Statues of Our Lady and the Sacred Heart of Jesus were set in niches to either side of us in the congregational part, candles there before them, lit in offering as prayer.

Jesus, present in the Blessed Sacrament, was exposed to us all on a high altar at the front of the church. He, there present, was displayed with great drama in a simple monstrance illuminated by the brightest of finely-directed small spotlights. He was there. Of greatest significance for me in this place was the encounter I had with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament through this practice of eucharistic adoration.

I debated over the two years I stayed in London, with other Christians, whether or not Jesus was really ‘physically’ present there in the Sacrament of the altar, ‘transubstantially’ there that is to say, in the Roman Catholic understanding of being there. It was a big deal for me to figure that out. I spent months praying, sitting, figuring.

In the end I concluded that Jesus was and is there, physically present in the Blessed Sacrament. Why? Because when I entered that tiny chapel it had effectively ‘two atmospheres’ that I could sense. There was the atmosphere of the Blessed Sacrament not exposed for prayer upon the high altar: this was a cooler and colder atmosphere in the air, a lonelier atmosphere, despite the fact that Jesus was still present in the tabernacle. And then there was the atmosphere of Jesus exposed to us all, up, way up, on the high altar, all the light, all our hearts set upon Him; the atmosphere of the chapel was utterly changed then. The space, big and empty, felt full, and warm, and not sad, not lonely. I am sure that this is easily enough rationalised away, nevertheless, this was how I came to accept Jesus’ physical presence in the Blessed Sacrament.

Santiago

I met Santiago at a Charismatic Christian prayer meeting in London. He was leader of the music ministry team and a convert to Catholicism. Santiago let me know some months into our having become acquainted that he was same-sex-attracted, and had previously been in a committed relationship with another man for ten years. They were active in their Anglican parish, as were both of their extended families. Santiago founded the first gay and lesbian student organisation in his Christian university. He also worked closely with a university chaplain who was a Roman Catholic priest.

One day the priest, who had become his friend, said to Santiago, “God has more for you than living your life as a gay man.” The words stuck. He and his partner desired to live as faithfully united to Jesus as they possibly could. They decided to pray and discern what Jesus asked of them, over and above what they had held to be true up to that point in their lives. Gradually the both of them individually concluded that Jesus was asking them to choose Him first, and to end their hitherto happy and loving life together.

Santiago and his partner let the pastor of their Anglican parish, as well as their families, know of the decision that they had jointly made to end their relationship for reasons of faith conviction. Neither pastor, nor families, lent them any support for their decision to part ways, quite the opposite actually. Nevertheless, they were both firm in their decision. One of the last times I saw Santiago he shared with me his hope to one day marry a Catholic woman, and raise a family in accord with his Christian faith.

Italy

– Feast of the Visitation: It is a challenge to try to live the Christian faith these days, but the Lord has provided us with a few good pastors to help us. Praise be to God for Benedict XVI ; he helps us so much. Thank you Jesus. –

Every single holy site in Rome that I visited, for the first time in the 2010’s, blew my mind, body, soul. But, my first time entering St. Peter’s Basilica was visually and spiritually over-awe-ing. I entered the basilica and experienced, what I can only describe as the feeling of an explosion of the grace of God , with the sense that the power of that grace reached to the heart of every corner of the earth, like an infinitely-powerful effusion of invisible light, emanating all that is eternal life.

The Vatican taught me a great lesson without a word being spoken. The lesson was, “Humanity is great because every man, woman, and child, is created in the image and likeness of God.” Contrastingly, modern society screams at us, until we are deaf and blind, that “Man is great because we say, ‘See! We’re Great!’” Yet even that Enlightenment assertion now falters, because it does not acknowledge God as the force that holds all in order, including Western Civilization.

Regarding the Vatican and other ecclesiastical institutions; sometimes the systems fail because people are imperfect. Through my travels around the world, I have become acquainted with more than one faltering church administration. Pastoral leadership fails, while new sacramental administrators appear to be less spiritually formed than brought up the corporate ranks of church structures. This is unhelpful for those of us who seek spiritual and moral support.

North America – The Butcher

Here I recount the true story of a false shepherd who derived considerable satisfaction from stealing, abusing, and slaughtering lambs that were still learning to walk. The shepherd was well trained in his field, he could herd his sheep well. He was a liar and a fake. He had the right look and used the right words, sheep would follow him, unhesitatingly. He especially liked young rams, smart ones, the good looking ones.

He was a preacher, a doctor, a teacher. He looked good to anyone for whom ‘looking good’ was a means of judging a man’s character. Naïve as I was in my twenties, I thought:

“Well, he is, by all appearances, a safe and trustworthy type. But my gut feeling tells me he’s dirty; there’s something wrong. But, I must be mistaken because everyone else thinks he’s awesome; and how could he not be awesome? He’s got every status symbol in the world attached to his name, and who would question his power, authority, position and status in any case? I must be wrong in my intuitions in his regard. What is intuition anyway? We have always been told to prioritise reason over intuition. Reason! That’s it. Reason tells me this guy cannot be bad because he looks like he’s good, and everybody around says he’s good. So, I’ll ignore my intuition, my gut sense of this person,” and …

It turns out that our preacher, doctor, teacher was a fake and a liar, a manipulator and a deceiver. I once heard him preach on false prophets, and white-washed tombs that look nice but are filled with rot and death. It was an ironic message from this sick man who had accrued all the status the world had to offer him and who destroyed the reputations of those who crossed him; because he could. Never did I ever see him do anything that was not of benefit to himself. But, man, did he ever like smart, good looking, young rams. Surrounded himself with them. Until they crossed him.

“You’re the biggest f* up in the world,” he said to a young protegé. The protegé, not to be outdone in audacity, replied, “Nice words coming from the mouth of a pastor,” so holy and important, and beloved – to the monied, the influential, the powerful, to those truly useful to him. I could go on and on. Nevertheless, this ‘important man’ taught me at least one important thing, and I quote: “It is all about keeping up appearances,” to which today I reply, “Thanks for the bad example ‘father’.” Suffice it to say my extended encounter with this individual left me, in my more youthful years, rather put off by church ‘authorities.’ I was actually enraged, deeply betrayed, and enraged. But, to make my peace with God and humanity I had, ultimately, to confront him, and also ask his forgiveness.

Providentially, after a couple of years without contact, we met somewhat unexpectedly at a gathering of ostensibly like-minded persons, and, there, had some moments to engage in one last frank conversation. In private I told him to his face that I hated him. I hated him for what he had done to me. I do not recall all the words. I asked him to forgive me for hating him. He said that I did not need to ask his forgiveness, that I was already forgiven for anything I had done wrong as far as he was concerned. I sought God’s forgiveness, too. I needed to let go of the rage in me at the betrayal I both felt and experienced at this trusted man’s hands.

After he and I left this momentary encounter, I felt a weight lifted from me. He on the other hand appeared much shaken. We never met again, but I was left with the perception, rightly or wrongly, that over the years he had spoken ill of me to people in authority here and there, to protect his reputation no doubt. Looking back, I see that he was a deeply troubled man who had been allowed into powerful roles of church authority. By God’s grace today I am able to have compassion for that man who lied to himself, and everyone else. I know he did some good things for some good people, and that is to his credit. That he did bad things to people who were in effect powerless to challenge or contradict his abuses. This is unforgivable, except that God forgives and is merciful and keeps no record of wrongs.

It is said that time heals. Well, time gives some distance to allow perspective, and maybe to allow some maturation to happen emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Forgiveness, hopefully, comes into the picture somewhere along the way, too. Jesus is the compassion and mercy of God. I know it because I have had more than one glimpse of hell.

Hell Trip II, The Virgin Mary, and Becoming A Father

Early in my life I never envisaged myself as a father, as a “Dad.” However, in my thirties I learned from the thought of Orthodox Jewish philosopher and World War II survivor Emmanuel Levinas, that every man is called to be a father, a dad, in some way, and this resonated with me. Whether due to my religious ‘call’ to be married to God, my sexual orientation, or still something else, I wanted to be a ‘spiritual father’ from as early on in life as I can remember. In truth, I used to think myself incapable of being ‘a dad.’ Yet, fatherhood came upon me, in spite of me. I became a dad in my heart, if not ‘of my flesh’ so to speak. The story follows.

I am hired to sit in a small box for long hours every day and watch computer screens displaying images from security cameras spread across the property of an outreach to the urban poor. I am also responsible for signing in and out visitors to the building in which I work. There is nothing here to face but myself. In myself there is a dark and void terror.

I lived this job for some years and a few relationships developed out of it – stirring, provocative, destroying ones. The nightmare of it was that one of those relationships drew out the darkest of the terrors that dwelt inside of me. For a long season of my life the terror in me gained momentum, poisoning my every waking moment; the terror of abandonment and rejection. The fear led me to abandon and reject myself, by all and every means available, in attempts to earn the love of a person as broken, even perhaps more broken, than myself. You see, that person’s story, his wounding, seemed so alike to mine that I identified over intensely with his experience of abandonment, and I wanted to make it heal. I thought I wanted to make it heal in him. But, with the passing of those years, I came to see that, what I was desperate to heal ‘in him,’ was what I was destroying myself to have whole, and healed, in me. In all of this I experienced an unremitting encounter with evil, while at the same time, crushing into the finest of dust my own sense of self-existence.

The person about whom I speak was named Jordan; he was around 20 years old when we met. Over the period that I knew him, to my heart, he was like my first child, a babe in arms, who rapidly became an adolescent, and who, by the end of our three-year acquaintance, was a grown man who didn’t need me, or even want me around, anymore.

In the last year that I knew Jordan, and because of a dream about a bison chasing me, I took the path of training in Education to become a teacher. It was an act of faith, because God seemed to be making it clear to me that it was the road he intended I take. I never wanted to be a school teacher and would not have chosen it but for God’s prompting, however, this vocation has again made of me ‘a father,’ now to many kids, and in ways that I would have otherwise never imagined possible. Jordan was the first ‘student’ I actively taught, and he said I was “excellent” at it. Now I have many. Today I am grateful to God that not only Jordan considered me an excellent teacher, but many of my colleagues do also; most importantly, many of my students tell me they feel the same as well.

Utterly un-predictably, through my years beside Jordan, I learned something of what it means to have a father’s love for a child, and I learned a tiny part of what the grief of losing a son might be like. I also learned that I could give more than was healthy or safe for me.

Jordan eventually moved cities. He flew away, to Gallia actually, to study and live for a time in the very language that I’d helped him to learn those years before. I destroyed me to ‘help’ him, but I also found parts of myself that I did not know existed.

Out of all that darkness that we encountered, what was most important, perhaps, for that young man, neglected and abused by his own mother, was that we were able to talk about the Virgin Mary. When I was young I got to know the Virgin Mary, and there were some very clear occasions when she helped me. It was Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa of Calcutta, both declared saints now, who made me think it possible to have Mary in my life, in a positive way. They loved her very much, and they both strongly influenced me toward Jesus. I talked with Jordan many times about Jesus’ Mom so that he could get to know her a little too, and I think that maybe he did.

One positively life changing outcome of the destruction wrought by my association with Jordan was my acceptance of the idea that medication might help me to live, and it has. My parents and siblings say, “Never go off it!” As to how it impacts my psychological and emotional ability to function, the results have been positive, even extraordinary. With medication I no longer constantly suffer the uncontrollable compulsion to obsessively cling to one man, or many, at every living breathing second of my waking life. Jesus is most of my life, when I attend to my heart’s yearnings as best I can. Medication helps me to move past the impossibilities of survival.

CHAPTER II – The Heart of Matters

Knowing God

As a child I reached out tentatively to God. God was patient but firm with me. I had no one and nothing else to reach for. I would cling to any male that I imagined might even possibly one day show me kindness. Men who were handsome and kind to me I could not resist – I would collapse psychologically/ emotionally/ spiritually into non-existence out of despair and desperation to be accepted, and wanted, and loved by them. Jesus stepped in. Jesus fills this space in me, but the process of growing to trust him and to heal all the hurt and wounding takes years, is not painless, and there are many challenges and dangers. John Paul II used to say: “Your greatest strength is to know your weaknesses.” What has changed with the years? My ability to love myself in light of experiencing God’s love of me, and in turn being able to learn to love others.

What is it like to be loved by God in my experience? A lot of the time it is like being held without knowing I’m being held by Him. It’s being cared for without awareness that it is happening, because mostly I have felt too distrustful to believe in God’s goodness to me. This has changed over the decades, but in the meanwhile, being loved by other believers in Jesus has mediated some sense of his love to me, and for me. Additionally, I try to cultivate a real awareness of how generously he provides for me in small ways and large, both materially and still more deeply.

Knowing Jesus allows for self-awareness. In fact, self-knowledge and self-awareness are fruits of intimacy with God. Knowing God, is being known by God, and the growing into knowledge of oneself that allows for the “peace that the world cannot give.” I know he is with me because I have a peace I did not know before I knew him. I also experience love now, and I did not know what love was before he showed me. He loves us first.

The church in her orthodox moral and spiritual teaching has continued to provide for me a path through time and space that allows me to keep a firm footing within the context of this spiritually and morally disoriented society. The body of believers embraces me, in Jesus.

God Above All Loves

From where have I seen God?; at Iberia’s Nazareth. The weather was wintry in the Iberian way of cold; the ocean was huge, and grey. The winds made the water violent, the waves immense, their crash on the coastline exploding. For me, the days spent there were as grey, to my mind and heart, as was the sea. Nevertheless, every day, rain or… rain, I would descend to the seashore to walk along the rocky coastline.

On one such morning I stopped to pray, rosary beads in hand. I sat down, I looked out at the water, the waves crashing in greatness and immensity, and I began, “I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth.” And, I could say no more, as I watched the great sea’s crashing infinity.

Chapter III – The Help of the Saints

In my mid-twenties, after the wheels came off my first shot at the priesthood, I was so angered with the experience, and God, that I stopped talking to him – I intentionally refused to speak to God. In that year of ever deepening anger I could not even look at a priest without becoming enraged, even when I did try to go to church. My anger was destroying nothing and no one but myself at the start. But, I began to see the rage pouring over and invading my interactions with all those around me.

After about a year God bluntly confronted me at the moment when a gay prostitute propositioned me, and I knew that I was entirely capable of agreeing to sex with him. Recognizing then the extent to which I had hardened my heart to God and people, I said sorry to God. I changed my way, and my attitude. But a funny thing came to pass that took me a little while to recognize.

Up to that point in my life, I had always had a sort of mental and emotional block to allowing Mary and the other saints into my mind, my heart, my space. I didn’t even really ‘believe in’ them. But now, I came to recognise that I had felt Mary and the saints around me all the time during that year that I would not talk with God. Ever since then I have never doubted their involvement or their presence in my life, and the life of the church. Some other times that the Virgin Mary has helped me out follow below:

i. Once I had a big problem that I prayed for a long time to resolve and it wouldn't shift. After some months, in desperation, I prayed, “Mary, if you’re there, please help!,” Within two days all had shifted and resolved. From that point on I figured that, if God didn’t want me thinking Mary was involved in my faith journey, he would have stepped in before I got such an impression!

ii. One time in my twenties, just after I returned to North America from my years away in Europe, I just felt Mary close. Her presence comforted me.

iii. In grave distress and depression over a guy, I was incapacitated mentally, physically, and emotionally. I could not pray, or think, or move. All I could do was spontaneously repeat the words of the ‘Hail Mary.’ At this stage in my life, about 27 years of age, I did not believe the saints were able to help anyone, and least of all me. Yet, reaching out to her somehow was all my soul could do.

v. I considered pursuing a theology after-degree through a Protestant university in the 2000’s. I had no other options locally and was naturally hesitant because of past negative experiences with non-Catholics. Nevertheless, I made my way to the campus in the midst of the eight days of what was the old church calendar octave of the Immaculate Conception of Mary. I felt Mary’s motherly presence on the bus with me then.

My first stop was the university library. I encountered, at the entrance, an icon of the Virgin Mary, a display I had never seen before and never once saw again. While at the library I thought I might search out some information on the institution's namesake. What I discovered was that he was one of the earliest of the Church Fathers to write on the role of Mary in God’s plan of redemption. And so, I went on to apply and complete my studies there, with God’s help and encouragement, through Mary!

Saint Joseph

Though I did not grow up with St. Joseph I encountered him for the first time in the churches of Iberia. He was not a part of the life of the Christians in the world I had come from. In Iberia, when I saw an image of St. Joseph, I would pray that I could become a man like him, a whole and healthy man of unshakeable faith in God.

As decades have passed I have grown in warmth of affection for St. Joseph. I met him again and again over the years in many places where he is much respected and loved – in Montréal (Quebec), Iberia, eastern Europe, Indochine. Now I talk to him every day. I ask him to pray for my many spiritual children. I ask him to help those I love, and to help me. St Joseph is a fatherly icon of the love of God – a little icon – of God our Great and Loving Father in heaven, who holds us tenderly and gently in his arms.

Saints for the Same-Sex-Attracted

Besides the Virgin Mary, and St. Joseph her husband, some saints for same-sex-attracted people, I suggest getting to know: Teresa of Ávila, John of the Cross, Demiana with her forty martyr companions, and the Forty Soldier Martyrs of Sebaste. Teresa and John know well the passionate love of God and can teach us much from their experiences, writings, and poetry. Demiana and her companions remained faithful to Jesus Christ in the face of extraordinary evil and ultimate death for their love of him. The Martyrs of Sebaste are a band of brothers that you need around you for support, just as they faithfully loved Jesus and supported one another to the end.

As an aside, why might it be that I’m a catholic Christian, in light of my complex genetic, cultural, and spiritual history? Maybe it’s because, after having made a somewhat broad survey of my Christian theological orientations, it appears that I identify strongly with the hallmarks of both Mennonite Anabaptism and Eastern Orthodoxy, the faith traditions of my great-grandparents, whom I never knew, on either side of my family tree. This leaves me really no middle ground but a catholic faith, that bears within itself the tension of those Christian ‘extremities.’

Saints of the 20^th Century

Mother Teresa I encountered through an article in the Reader’s Digest, when I was around 15 years old. I was in the midst of writing a story about my committing suicide, and how the people around me would be impacted by my killing myself. Her story gave me hope of love in this life, and in this world. Her words, about the love of God, helped me to believe that I could find love enough in this life, through Jesus, to survive – just survive – that’s all I wanted. And to be loved – “I was dying without love.”

Pope John Paul II also pointed me to Jesus and gave me hope. His love was of a fatherly kind. I got to know him most deeply through his first biography, written by Tad Szulc, a Jewish friend from John Paul II’s youth. His life taught me many things: a love of the Virgin Mary; an openness to the Holy Spirit; the rationality of faith in God; and that a life of holiness lived in obscurity, like that of his mentor, now ‘venerable’ Jan Tyranowski, could deeply affect the lives of others.

CHAPTER IV – Lost & Lasting Friendships

Lost Friendship

Once I thought I was ‘known,’ properly and deeply known, by some old friends with whom I had shared life from the time I was in my twenties. It was in our third decade of friendship that I finally acted upon the fact that for the last 15 of those years we had been growing steadily apart – that they did not know me anymore, and nor did I know them. Once, long ago, they had helped me to orient myself in the world. We came together as young people do – but at the end we were so very, irreconcilably, different – even, perhaps, existential enemies. I felt marginalized, even hated, because of my faith as a catholic Christian of the orthodox sort, and the decisions I made as a direct result of those convictions that keep me alive.

One of them was quite blonde, athletic, affectionate, and (in the early years) he liked me. I was 25, he was 19. He was the brother of a close friend, whom I’d dearly, infatuatedly, ‘loved.’ He was good looking, and he wanted me around. He welcomed me to participate in his life and, along with his brother, welcomed me into the ‘world of men.’ A ‘real male’ wanted me in his life, a hetero-jock male. He loved me and accepted me as I was, it seemed. He was raised an Evangelical Christian but he accepted me as a catholic, and a homosexually oriented one at that. We were a part of one another's lives for multiple decades. Over those years, however, both brothers abandoned the faith, and morality, in which they had been raised. When I, and either of the two, were occasionally reunited, the conflict in our values and convictions grew only more evident. Eventually, members of their family began to identify as transgender, and with that the building pressures of moral and faith conflict began to break all the supports that held our friendships together. They made clear to me that I no longer “felt rightly” about social, and moral, issues. I no longer “thought rightly,” according to their gradually adopted ‘secular’ religion’s values and morality.

Over a two-year period, at the end of our friendship, their growing disdain for me became increasingly evident. Finally, after yet another occasion when I was angrily informed that I was “insensitive to indigenous issues”, in addition to ‘gender and sexuality matters’,

I determined that enough was enough. I was not at the heart of their anger, but I was useful as an object at which to direct their pent-up rage – and that day I ended communication with them permanently. What my friendships once were with these brothers had decayed and died as the shared faith, that all three of us had once held, ceased to be the bond holding us together.

Fathers & Brothers

In my early adulthood I had hoped that my male friends and I would stay close for the rest of our lives. I desired that those relationships would last because I so wanted the beauty, and goodness, I perceived in them to be possessed by me always – to make me whole. Little did I know how much I could grow and change over the decades.

Regardless of the failure of some friendships, I have also learned that healthy, Christian, brotherly relationships are possible and can even be enduring. Some of my friends are real examples to me of Christian manhood. For example, I have a friend younger than myself named Enrique who is immeasurably kind of heart. He is a very loving and affectionate man. We have known each other for 20 years. He is the only friend I have in the western hemisphere who initiates no-personal-space affection. He is married, has kids, and is as heterosexual as could be. He’ll hold my hand when we sit beside each other, shoulder to shoulder. I think he’s the first man who ever kissed me on the top of my head. He loves me, and he welcomes me in his life, and the life of his family. He is a great gift of God’s love to me.

I have another friend of many years, Walt. He’s old enough to be my dad and then some. He tells me many stories. True stories. About his life and the lives of those he has known over the many decades of his life and career. He was a very successful man by any measure that our society would judge a man; a public figure connected to many other well-known public figures, locally, nationally, and internationally. Many of my friend’s recent accounts of the lives of the influential, powerful, and affluent people he knows go something like this: “He or she is in nursing care now and no longer recognises me, or anyone, for that matter.” And some further quotes summarizing nine decades of life:

“Having left your role of importance in an organization, you are forgotten in months, not years. Expect nothing.”… “It is time to give everything I have away, maybe someone else can use it, otherwise it’s all going to the garbage when I die.”… “It is hard to part with my life’s work, but I’m moving to a nursing home that’s 232 square feet with no storage space, and where I am allowed seven shirts to keep in my closet”… “Have compassion and mercy on others because you can be sure you’ll need to be forgiven for your shortcomings some day too”… “The only things that last are your relationships, and your relationship with God is the most important”

Then there is Fr. Antonio, whom I mentioned earlier. He was my first ‘priest friend.’ He was my high school chaplain and he would let me visit him and hang out. I would attend weekday liturgies at his parish and he’d invite me afterward for a boxed macaroni and cheese lunch. He’s been a reliable spiritual friend and mentor now for 35 years.

I also have some younger priest friends, who were all either laymen or seminarians when we first met. Most of them are from Indochine. Fr. Jake is a diocesan priest. Fr. Jean-Philippe is a Mendicantium Ordinem (M.O.) priest now studying in Europe; Fr. Derek is a close friend studying in South-Asia, he is also an M.O. priest. These men have been faithful friends to me for twenty years. My brothers in Indochine, culturally speaking, are not people who keep a lot of personal space between themselves and those with whom they share friendship or affinity. Meeting them was immensely healing to me, being in the company of other men who were physically affectionate in ways that had entirely nothing to do with sex. The simple experience of physical contact, with other guys, that was not somehow ‘weird’ or sexualized changed my life. Our societies in the West are so sexually broken at this stage that many people can’t even conceive of a world where the friendship of Frodo and Sam depicted in The Lord Of The Rings was not ‘secretly gay.’

I have made the observation that practicing Christian males in North American society are, by far, the most ‘observably comfortable’ when it comes to demonstrating genuine, healthy, fraternal affection between men. One might say that I have a somewhat distorted view of this because I am an affectionate male; perhaps more affectionate than the average in my part of the world. This may be so. However, what I observe in Christian circles, both Catholic and Protestant, is that the guys tend to hug each other frequently. Many will also tend to be quite open-hearted with one another, even vulnerable. All of this works together to create a culture of warmth, welcome, and love, for men, women, and children alike. This is a grace of the Holy Spirit, a gift of love. The paternal and fraternal love that can be experienced in Christian community brings healing to the heart, mind, body, and soul of the same-sex-attracted male. It allows for him to grow into the fullness of manhood, including spiritual, if not biological, fatherhood.

The familial quality present in healthy Christian community may contrast drastically with the welcome, or lack thereof, that some people receive within their own biological families. Again and again, I have seen the now standard, and increasing, exclusion of ‘religious people’ from respectable society, including having a family member treat me as a danger to her children, ostensibly because of my ‘hateful, dangerous, and intolerable’ Christian faith and moral convictions. I have experienced the same situation with other family members too, that my faith commitments exclude me from the company of the enlightened and the wise of this world.

CHAPTER V – Homosexuality

– Sometimes when I look at a big muscular man, like an American football player,

I feel like I see a god that I want to wholly consume and possess,

and I want that god to save me. –

“One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: ‘Power belongs to you, God, and with you, Lord, is unfailing love’.”

– Psalm 62:11-12

Recipes for Same-Sex-Attraction & Homosexual Compulsion

Absent and/or emotionally/ physically neglectful and/or abusive father and/or mother.
Childhood sexual abuse/ molestation.
Socialise a child entirely with children of the opposite sex from very early childhood/ infancy.

In the ‘sexual preference’ defined gay subculture, the very existence of which being dependent upon the transgression of the natural law and biblical morality; one cannot expect any kind of moral absolute to be acknowledged, or adhered to. There are no moral parameters when one makes the conscious decision to turn from truth, God, light, and the moral law. ‘Gay’ – What does that even mean? A guy who considers his mouth and anus to be sex organs? Male effeminacy? Limitless and boundaryless sexual gratification? The right to prance around naked in parades? – (“Gays like parades,” as my gay cousin once told me). ‘Gay’ means a lot of things in contemporary culture, none of which are very clear.

And what if a man is homosexually oriented but chooses not to define himself by his sexuality? Well, clearly he is buying into “society’s dominant, ‘hetero-normative’ narrative”; he’s a “self-hating gay”; a “vulnerable person who has been brainwashed by religion;” “he’s sick;” or actually “such people do not exist,” to quote the words of a Roman Catholic priest I once came across.

“Love Is Love!!!,” say gay rights advocates everywhere. I say ‘love’ (which is in fact ‘lust’ more often than not) is not ‘love, (genital, anal, and oral sexual fixations are not ‘love’). To claim that gay sexual ‘intimacy’ is ‘just love’ and ‘love is love’ is a lie. Sexual relations in the love shared between husband and wife are ordered to intimate communion of body and soul toward the end of bearing forth new and beautiful life. Gay sex is a dis-ordered attempt at ‘intimacy’ that bears forth feces, blood, disease, physiological problems, psychological and emotional harm, spiritual destruction, and ultimately death. As St. Thomas Aquinas stated, “To love is to will the good of the other.”

Reflection on the topic is ‘irrelevant’ however, it is now said, because homosexual and heterosexual relationships are ‘the same,’ (except in their nature and consequences). But what does that matter? I propose that depression, addiction, and suicide among ‘men who have sex with men’ (MSM’s) is the natural outcome of gay relationships. Most of the readily accessible information available online regarding mental health problems, addiction, and suicide rates among sexually active homosexual men states something like: ‘These rates are high amongst gay men because society makes gay men feel bad about themselves.’ Wrong. The rates are high because human beings are not physiologically, psychologically, emotionally, or spiritually built to engage in sexual relations with multiple partners, nor others of the same-sex. Whatever it is that is desired in homosexual acts, whatever it is that is longed for, whatever it is that needs to be consummated, comes to nothing, there is nothing there. It is all void, voided, empty, and kills its participants. Either quickly or slowly; homosexual behaviour kills mind, body, and soul.

Gay Dating

One night I attended a choral concert at a local church and there in front of me sat a row of four homosexual men. They ranged in age from 50 to 45, 35, and 25 I would estimate. The 25 and 45 year olds were partnered up, the elder of the two with his hand on the younger’s thigh throughout the concert. After the concert the young man left the church immediately and stood outside where I also happened to be. I felt sad for him. It seemed to me that he was in over his head in something that he knew, as yet, very little about. What does a 45 year-old man see in a 25 year-old man other than his youth and his body? – he was a very handsome young man. I suspect that the young man didn’t realise that he was surrounded by the attentions of these men, not for his heart, for who he is, but rather for his physical beauty. He is not loved, rather, he is about to be consumed.

The young man was obviously very insecure, and putting on effeminate airs. This is a shame because he was very masculine in appearance, yet clearly did not sense his own embodiment of masculinity. Homosexual men long for full manhood, but no man becomes more complete in himself, or in his gender identity, through “falling in love,” and having sex with, another man. Sexual relations between individuals of the same-sex undermine any positive sense of gender identity, and only serve to more deeply entrench one’s sense of emotional, psychological and physical inferiority before other men, while inflicting ever greater damage to the soul. Sex in Christian marriage between one man, and one woman, expresses the fundamental complementarity of the sexes, and reaffirms the marriage covenant between spouses before God. Gay sex represents the precise opposite.

No man, who is willing to have sex with another man, is enough to satiate the other. The sexual desire of one man for another man is insatiable because his true desire is to be whole in his own masculinity and sense of himself as a man. No human, no matter how beautiful or ‘ideal’ can give that wholeness to him. He must find it with God, God will make him complete. A masculine gender identity is inherent and natural to a male, but it needs to be nurtured and formed through genuine, non-sexualized, paternal and fraternal, love that is available, in adulthood, only through relationship with Jesus Christ, Father, and Holy Spirit, within Christian community.

The only men I know to have come free of the slavery of homosexual orientation, and its compulsions, are Christians, and even for them it is extremely difficult. The brokenness inherent to homosexual orientation is profound. I characterise it as knots in one’s emotions, and psychology, that are so deep that only God can untie them. Because, although we experience them to be there, we cannot see or discern them well enough to become unbound by our own skill, knowledge, or strength. The only men I have known who were able to love me with the healing love that opened the way for my freedom were men who love Jesus. Love in Jesus, in His Body, is the Love of God – a healing love – the healing love. Some professing Christians I have known have been false friends, however, true friendship in Jesus is balm to a wounded soul.

Those four men at the concert reminded me of a group of toddlers, on an emotional level. They were like a group of little boys seeking a father’s affirmation of their masculinity and identity as males. Instead of seeking this out from authentic and healthy sources, however, they were milling about seeking union on innumerable levels with a young, attractive man – the man they wish they were, the man they long to be – wanted, beautiful, acceptable, good, and whole. Only Jesus, God and Man in the flesh, brings the completion and love that they truly seek for the broken parts of the small boy in them who was not loved, or nurtured, as he needed to be. The heart of God the Father can make them whole, if they give their lives to Jesus, and allow him to heal them and make them whole. Jesus is the greatest lover they will ever have, and the only one who will meet their every need. They will meet Him, in the flesh, in healthy heterosexual friendships with other men (and women), and in the Blessed Sacrament, the Bread of Communion, Jesus’s body and blood.

Gay ‘Love’

I saw a homosexual couple on the train the other night, in their mid to late twenties I would say. The two young men seemed blissfully oblivious of anyone taking notice of them. Perhaps it was just me who saw as I am highly sensitized to these things.

First, I noticed that the strawberry blonde bearded young man was unusually close to his male counterpart. Their closeness was distinctly that of boyfriend and girlfriend, although rather more discreet. Next, the bearded young man lay his head on the shoulder of the taller, darker complexioned young man. The two seemed to bear genuine and sensitive affection for one another, the one more passive, the other more ‘in control.’ As they parted they shared a kiss for all to see; it looks like love to me, boy and girl love that is. The problem is that too few of us, heterosexual or homosexually oriented, have any clue what true love is, let alone what true love ‘looks like,’ (and it certainly is not what the entertainment and media industries portray it to be). It does not make sense that two men ‘in love’ with one another look and behave like a man and a woman look and behave when they are in love, no matter how logical such appearances may seem to heterosexuals. A ‘healthy homosexual relationship’ is a contradiction in terms. One male is the dominant ‘insertive’ partner, and one is the passive ‘receptive’ partner in the relationship, thus raising the matters of gender confusion and gender identity, amongst many other things. Both partners are ignoring or denying their gender identity as male by engaging in this kind of sexual behaviour with one another, and are thereby creating within themselves an internalised, self-destructive, confusion.

The consolidation of one’s own sense of male identity through relationships with other men makes sense on all levels. However, that consolidation should happen in infancy and childhood, through a boy’s natural and healthy interaction with his father, which forms his sense of “maleness” and self. Where the father-son relationship leaves off, friendship amongst boys comes in to further the normal development of the inner man to be. It is in cases where this normal pattern of development is broken that gender identity problems develop. Same-sex-attraction is not rooted in sexual desire, but rather in a desire to be a complete man. Complete manhood is modelled by psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually “healthy enough” adult males and learned by boys, teens, and young men. Homosexually oriented adult men can also learn how to build healthy, non-sexualized relationships with other males through genuine fraternal friendship. I have, however, as previously stated, only seen this occur amongst Christians.

The human need for love is profound, and the experience of love to our most profound depths is necessary for our survival and flourishing. We all seek love, wholeness, and completion, and typically we do this through relationships with others, particularly through Christian marriage. If the possibility of such a life of union is not available, love must still be experienced, given, and received. In society today this usually means multiple sexual relationships through life, looking for ‘the right one.’ Many individuals end up being wounded deeply by failed relationships in which they have compromised virtually the entirety of their physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual being. People engage in sexual relations with ‘potential’ partners for life in order to “get to know the person faster and better,” to quote a female friend of mine, who stated that thinking in this manner is the ‘normal’ viewpoint of people today.

Another friend of mine has a son, almost newborn. Recently my friend’s wife sent me some photos of the boy, one of which was of his father holding him, and their looking into each other’s eyes. This photo is profound to me. I have it up in my kitchen to look at each day. It moves me at a deep level because I empathise with the reality of what that photo represents, beyond the awareness, or comprehension, of the boy and the father alike, I suspect. To my eye, what is being revealed in this photo is a boy receiving his male-ness from his father. This boy, through the love, and care, and gentle paternal nature of his dad, is learning that he is male, that he will be a man, and will be like his own father who gave him life in union with his mother. I recognise this with strong emotion because I did not receive this love or nurture, nor did my own father, nor likely his father before him. With enough broken father/son relationships in a family line homosexuality is just one of the many damaging outcomes.

Same-Sex-Attraction

In my particular pattern of ‘addiction to men’ I would see a good looking guy, he’d be kind or friendly toward me, I would start to feel myself drift into further attraction, and then he would become my life’s breath. Mind you, there were always one or two other guys that my mind and emotions knew I could ‘fall back on.’ Nevertheless, there was always a real life male in my actual physical life to whom I was ‘addicted.’ They were always heterosexual and always very masculine. I avoided obviously gay men with vehemence and fear, because I could not trust my own boundaries.

I have been informed by heterosexual people in my spheres of life, on at least two occasions, that they ‘pity me’ for my moral convictions around sexual behaviour. Yet, from my observations I am not convinced that they are better off, or ‘happier,’ in the manner that they choose to live than I am in mine. Furthermore, what do they ‘know’ about homosexuality and gay relationships precisely? What they have personally experienced? What they’ve been told, seen, or heard through the media? Scripture addresses the matter of who is most to be pitied, St. Paul in particular.

Some say I’m a ‘self-hating gay.’ So, do I hate myself because I’m same-sex-attracted? How does one measure self-hate? Was Alexander McQueen a ‘self-loving gay,’ Andrew Cunanan, Chris Hyndman, or George Michael to name but a few? Are all the gay guys out there ‘living their truth’ happy and fulfilled in throwing themselves at every man who’ll have them? Consider what the statistics around rates of addiction, blood borne and sexually transmitted disease, and suicide among active homosexuals indicate about ‘self-loving’ gays.

What about “internalised homophobia?” I’m not sure what that is supposed to mean either. “I’m afraid of ‘myself’ because I’m same-sex-attracted? I’m afraid of the ‘gay man’ that I am ‘on the inside?’ I’m afraid of the ‘social-unacceptability’ of homosexual behaviour? I’m afraid of what my family and friends might think?” Homosexual behaviour is unhealthy, and same-sex-attraction (SSA) is inconvenient, these are facts. SSA is inconvenient because it inclines me to engage in behaviour that is objectively unhealthy (that would be ‘objectively dis-ordered’ in Catholic Church language), and personally harmful.

How does a person ‘who hates oneself’ behave? Self-destructively, self-harming-ly, tormented-ly, addicted-ly, sadly. That sounds to me more like the lives of the ‘self-loving’ gays referred to above than mine, not to mention those in my circle who choose to live celibate, as I do, or within a ‘traditional’ Christian marriage between one man and one woman. That one can live according to a simple reading of Scripture, and historical Church teaching on the subject, means that the same-sex-attracted person has two options for living out his or her sexuality as a Christian. Those options, as previously stated, are (1) chaste celibacy united to Jesus Christ as first and only lover; or (2) Christian marriage between one man and one woman in covenant before God that by its nature bears forth life. And, yes, Jesus is enough for you.

Loving & Being Loved

Where does a single guy, a celibate guy, a same-sex-attracted guy, who chooses to live chastely and according to the biblical moral teaching of the catholic Church, go to find intimate relationship, love, and physical affection? Imaginary relationships, and/or masturbation, and/or porn do not address the root of the need; they just leave you where you were before, or feeling empty, and hurting all the more. So the single and chaste celibate Christian guy remains with a few problems. He still desires to love and be loved. He still experiences sexual desire, sometimes overpoweringly so. He still wants to feel and experience sexual pleasure sometimes. And ultimately he still wants, in the midst of all of these natural and healthy longings, to remain faithful to Jesus Christ and to love God first. As mentioned before, this is where people come in, other believers. Jesus comes to us in, and through, other Christians, His family (who are now your family, in, and through, and with Him). It is here within your new family in Jesus, with all its difficulties, failures, betrayals, wrongs and imperfections, that you will also experience the love, peace, joy, and fulfillment that will make you, in Him, as whole as can be hoped for in this life. It will take time, maybe a long time, but he is with you, and it will happen.

Then one asks, “But what about dealing with feelings of sexual arousal? Brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers can’t meet my needs when I am feeling the desperate desire for sexual gratification.” Feelings come and go. If you fall down, when you ‘miss the mark,’ which is what ‘sin’ in biblical Greek means, get up, dust yourself off, talk to Jesus, and keep following him. He loves you. He desires to be with you more than you desire to be with him. Is his love, and all that he provides, enough for you? Yes. Jesus says, “Take up your cross and follow me.” He will open the way of love for you, trip-ups and all. He is the Way.

Jesus and no one else can meet your needs. How he meets your needs will be unique to your hopes, your dreams, and his knowledge of who you truly are and what it is you truly need. If ‘the love of your life’ is what you hope for, then Jesus is the first and only complete answer to your hope. Choose Him. No one else can satisfy. By seeking Him first everything else you need, and most deeply long for, will be provided.

Why on earth would anyone choose to deny their natural inclination toward emotional and sexual intimacy with a person to whom they are overpoweringly attracted? Perhaps because being ‘overpowered’ by attraction is a bad sign? When I would, so to speak, ‘fall into the arms of a man’ emotionally, I lost myself entirely, I disappeared psychologically. I could feel it happening. It was as if I became dust and simply disappeared in an utter, complete, existential dissolution of mind, and heart, and soul. I became nothing. He became all there was. I once ‘fell into the arms’ of a man whom I later recognised to be a psychopath. He used me to achieve a number of goals that he had. He was training in advanced psychology. He told me early on that he “had no conscience,” that he viewed himself as an object. This meant nothing to me, initially. As time progressed I grew terrified of him, because I came to understand that, as I became an obstacle to his hidden plans, he could kill me, and could easily have done so, if it had served his purposes. I came to see that if he, to himself, was no more than an object without a conscience, then all people were to him objects to be used by him to some end.

The moment that elucidated to me all that was happening in relation to him was when he came to see me at my apartment, after I’d been out of the country for some time. He was a muscular man and extremely good looking. He knew it. He came to my place, kicked off his shoes and laid down on his back, on the couch, facing me. He wore tight jeans that accentuated his bodily contours. He laid there and he smiled at me. We talked. His physical beauty was distracting. He knew it. There and then I knew he was playing me. Manipulating me. He wanted to see if he could use me, and seduce me, if he wanted to. He traded on his looks – a new concept to me, but one I’d heard of. In this moment I recognised, for the first time in my life, the fact that if he had asked me to abandon every moral, and value, and conviction, that I had held to be true for my entire life up to that moment, I would have, just to be with him.

Thankfully he didn’t want me. He had no need or use for me anymore. It was all just an ego massaging game for him – seduction. The fact that this physically beautiful, deceptive, and manipulative man played me, utterly played me, terrified me. Now I knew that my morals, convictions, and extremely weak boundaries were visible, and surmountable, by perhaps anyone who had reason. And that it would be I who would overthrow myself to make that man king of me.

“God will at some point allow you to see the enemy of souls, face to face. This is so that you can recognise your enemy, step up on his back, and climb higher to God.”

– Catherine de Hueck-Doherty

“Conversion Therapy” in North America

The “Federal ‘Conversion Therapy’ Ban” (Bill C6), (from my standpoint as a same-sex-attracted orthodox Christian), is a law designed to subvert the potential ‘conversion’ of same-sex-attracted persons to orthodox Christian belief and practice. The ban and criminal charges related to so called ‘conversion therapy’ are, in themselves, a clear breach of individual rights and freedoms, predicated upon the a priori view that homosexuality is a “state of being,” and the very fibre of one’s nature. The government makes a false correlation of sexual orientation with race, and sex, rather than admitting the fact that homosexuality is an inclination that one may or may not choose to act upon.

Politicians shout incessantly, “Abortion will be driven into secret, forced into back alleys... Women will die” – and yet, so will those who cannot get the necessary support to live according to their conscience, and experience, when making the choice to turn away from homosexual behaviour. It’s all about “choice,” isn’t it? The Charter of Rights and Freedoms does, after all, guarantee me freedom of conscience, religion, and association.

Compulsive sexual behaviour is not love. Sexual orientation and physical attraction are not ‘destiny,’ they ‘define’ nothing. Calling oneself ‘gay’ today is a societal identity marker. Calling kids ‘gay’ is corralling them into a social identity that is – at best – unhelpful to them. To be homosexually oriented is just that, an orientation or inclination. To define one’s life, or one’s identity by it is nonsensical. I choose how I will live, regardless of my inclinations. I’m inclined to alcoholism; it is not good for me. I’m inclined to have sexual relations with men that spread disease, cause me physical harm, and damage me emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually; it is not good for me. It is not me. It is something objectively harmful to which I am at times intensely inclined.

I heard a well-known entertainment personality recently make a joke that sums it all up. He said, “When I was a kid I wanted to be a pirate. I’m so glad that at eight years of age no one insisted I go to the doctor and have an eye removed and my leg cut off.” He’s referring to the present transgender mania, but it applies to the ‘gay’ identification stuff perfectly too. One of the many schizophrenic, and ironic, twists that contemporary society presents us with, is the notion that ‘gender roles,’ even being biologically female or male, are just things ‘made up’ by societies over time, without intrinsic significance, and therefore changeable regardless of biology. I disagree.

It strikes me that if gender is some sort of mental or social construct, then the human race, and all species that reproduce sexually, would have gone extinct long ago. Biological male and female, together, make babies. That appears to be the baseline for species propagation and survival as far as I can tell.

Flesh and Spirit

I am a very affectionate guy, an easily aroused guy, an emotionally needy guy. I’ve been masturbating since I was ten years old. I had access to porn magazines at home and at my uncles’ places from the time I was four or five. The male physique has always aroused me. Even as a young child I found naked men overpoweringly attractive. It was something that dominated me and that I could not control if I allowed it to take command. Like any addiction, my lust would be insatiable, and I knew it would kill me. My emotional vulnerability was too great to be able to manage the psychological, and spiritual impact of having all those invisible, yet real, boundaries transgressed by having the physical boundary of my flesh transgressed, willing or not, by another man. All that was in me was longing to be transgressed, overwhelmed, consumed, and destroyed by a distorted masculine beauty that would save me from myself – and only Jesus could do that – only He could save me from myself. Jesus is the only one I could submit to who would not destroy, but rather, Love Me. As stated earlier, sexual fantasy, porn use, masturbation, sleeping around, etc. inevitably arrive at emptiness and death. Is there suffering in choosing this path with Jesus? Yes. And as Mother Teresa once said, our “suffering saves us from something much worse.”

Cultural Context

One might ask the question that, if no one is bothered by what kind of sex you are into in the western cultural context, then why don’t I just announce to the world, “I’m gay?” The question grows more pertinent over time. One sees more and more socially ‘normalised,’ ‘integrated,’ ‘socially conservative’ homosexuals, at least in the media. However, ‘gay’ is a way of choosing to live, and ‘Christian’ is also a way of choosing to live. I choose to live as a Christian, a catholic Christian. I choose not to live as a gay man. The Scriptures, and orthodox Christian ‘Sacred Tradition’, teach, and guide one to choose intimacy with Jesus Christ over sexual relations with anyone outside of Christian marriage, including with persons of the same sex. This is my choice. I have peace. Social pressure grows more and more intense; like a tsunami that creates a great emptiness before inundating, overwhelming, and killing all in its surge. And The Great Flood of Noah was also thus.

The ‘Gay Rights’ movement has successfully created in public discourse a false correlation, as already mentioned, between sexual orientation, sex, gender, and racial differences. Ethnicity is not a choice, nor is one’s biological sex. Sexual activity is always a choice, barring acts of violence, or perhaps desperation. My sexual orientation is what it is, I can act on it, or not – I can cultivate it, or not. Sexual desire, sexual obsession, sexual compulsion and/or addictive behaviours are first imagined, then formed, then acted upon, then they gain their own momentum – a life of their own. This is addiction – addictions frequently kill, like a parasite on its host.

When it comes to sexuality, this society abandons rationality. When I was younger, rationality mattered; not so much now. When it comes to sex and sexuality, reasoning is the last thing that anyone wants to engage in. If you want sex there’s someone available, there are even phone apps for that. And the government and universities and ‘health care’ providers will do all they can to help you do it, while carefully avoiding discussion of the diseases that you are likely to acquire, and consequently spread. Meanwhile, they will assure you that anything and everything you choose to do is healthy, natural, and normal.

I was once watching one of those “reality TV” programs that came into vogue a couple decades back and witnessed a troubling exchange. There was a young man, in his twenties, handsome, athletic, attractive in all the ways one would define the term in this day and age. Yet, in describing his plans for the evening he stated very plainly, “If there is a hot guy at that party tonight his dick is gonna be in me.” He had no idea who would be at the party, any “hot guy” would do. He intended to be the ‘receptive partner’ (“bottom” in gay social parlance) in, apparently, any kind of sexual encounter said “hot guy” would be willing to engage in. It is not a new or unfamiliar thing to hear or see, I suppose, in gay circles, but what struck me was just how laissez-faire this young man was about throwing his body to any attractive man who would have him. He clearly had every visible sexual advantage, and therefore all the social advantages reasonably available to a young man in our rather shallow contemporary society with its values, such as they are, yet he was preparing to throw himself away. Something there is seriously amiss and, from personal inclination, I believe I know what it is.

My own attraction to men, more in my youth than today, was and maybe still is, rooted in the longing for a sense of affirmation that comes from an association with the strong and the beautiful, that is embodied in a man. An attraction to ‘the manly’ – the masculine embodied in some other man – but somehow not embodied in my own sense of self. The longing to possess the ‘maleness’ of another, even for one fleeting moment, is the mirage of a means of alleviating a humanly insurmountable feeling of existential desolation in my own corrupted sense of manhood. A feeling of desolation that the ‘consuming’ of another man’s body in turn desolates, for a fleeting moment, and then leaves me, as its ‘communicant,’ desolated – unto death. The appeal of gay sex is a combination of attraction, disgust, compassion, lust, and complete submission to the inner working of the compulsion. A compulsion to self-annihilation and emotional, psychological, and sexual domination by the idolatrous worship of the distorted ideal of what forms ‘maleness.’ It is an almost ritually cannibalistic compulsion to consume, encompass, digest, possess, and unite myself to a masculinity that I have nearly no sense of in myself.

Same-sex-attraction – I feel it, but it cannot define me. As a teen it was what seemed to define everything. As an adult I look at same-sex-attraction like I look at a familiar fence beside a regularly travelled stretch of highway. It is there; I see it; it exists; it could impact my life if I let it, but it does not for the most part induce my interest. It is Jesus, the face, and hands, and heart of the Father, who gives definition to my life.

Contraception, Science, and ‘Rights’

The near universal use of artificial contraception in western societies tacitly communicates the message that any kind of sexual behaviour is acceptable between consenting adults, because reproduction is not ‘necessarily’ what sex is about. This was one of Pope Paul VI’s concerns when completing his widely rejected encyclical Humanae Vitae in the 1960’s. He feared that sex without the objective boundaries of natural law, and Christian moral guidance, would lead, and in some cases has led to, ever greater indifference to the consequences of sexual promiscuity, i.e. abortion on demand, marital and family breakdown, and other consequent societal problems. Today, there are few moral boundaries, besides a person’s preferences and viewpoint; what is considered ‘legal’; and perhaps ‘public opinion.’

I have heard it said that ‘it doesn’t matter the genesis or root origin of your homosexuality, what matters is how you feel.’ Yet, a number in the range of nine times the average number of gay males, versus ‘straight’ males, self-report as having been sexually and/or emotionally abused as kids. Many of these individuals feel that this trauma has something to do with their homosexual inclinations. When it comes to young boys being molested, and later in life identifying as gay, it is to be ignored because ‘being gay’ is ‘who you truly are.’ It is ignored because it is politically expedient to do so. What of the fact that the psychological and psychiatric professional associations, influenced by highly-motivated gay and transgender activists, draw a priori conclusions regarding human sexuality, while telling the public to “follow the science?” “Science” that is in fact “opinion,” spun into contrived outcomes in the “research.” All of this is borne out in the now legal prohibition of psychological, or spiritual counsel in any direction other than to ‘play the gay way.’ Evidently “my body, my choice” has very defined parameters as regards the type of ‘choice’ that is considered valid.

Beauty and Affection

We all recognise what is beautiful. Males see physical beauty not only in women, but in other men too. That is why men’s health magazines put athletic, idealized male models on their covers. Women are not typically in the market for men’s fitness magazines! What about, ‘affection?’ We all need affection. Males, particularly into their twenties, are experiencing physical arousal all the time, and for no apparent reason, let alone if they have some sort of emotional response to something. That is no sign at all that one is ‘gay,’ or straight, period.

To be held, loved, and safe; there is a particular safety and security in being held in the arms of a loving father. There is a particular comfort and warmth in being held with the affection and love of a brother. Rare as it is to have a male friend who is comfortable sharing his personal space with other men, they do exist. God brings these friends to our lives.

Homosexual behaviour is idolatry. When one encounters certain sorts of gay ‘entertainment’ one will occasionally hear, “What does it feel like to be worshipped?” This is particularly from gay men, paying for sex with heterosexual male “sex workers.” Years ago I overheard a liberal Christian theologian claiming that homosexual sex is prohibited in the Old Testament, only because it was associated with the worship of gods foreign to the Jewish people. I’ve heard other claims that homosexual acts are prohibited because, in biblical times, they were typically engaged in as acts of domination and humiliation of the vanquished. Evidently, biblical scholars today do not make any direct connection of the prohibition of gay sex to the worship of idols, however, I do.

Simply put, when it comes to living as a Christian or living as a gay man, it is either Jesus or penis. Jesus does not accept being sorted out for competition with other men. He is the One God-Man to be worshipped and adored. He is a jealous lover; he is a jealous God. In my teens I had a friend named Damon. Damon rejected God outright, and chose consciously, and actively, to engage in occult spiritual practices. He experimented with homosexuality in high school, started using drugs, moved into the gay subculture and eventually into prostitution. He was murdered by the time he was 23. He and I were on the same life trajectory, except, I chose Jesus and wanted Jesus.

My view is that homosexuality is a symptom of an under-developed sense of identification with one’s own biological sex. Passively inclined homosexually-oriented males, like myself, seem to range from relating strongly (yet resentfully), with females, and miming female behaviour, to identifying with no gender at all, (with there being an infinity of variations on the theme, depending upon the individual). I, in moving toward embracing my homosexual inclinations, was left with no sense of my own existence -- I experienced this as an unfathomably deep compulsion to bond with men, either through sexual, or in my case emotional, promiscuity. It was like living in a hyper-sexualized ‘loop’ stuck in adolescent fantasies, imprisoned in sexual obsession. One can grow to be free of this imprisonment but, as far as I can tell, no natural means are available within the bounds of our human limitations. Literally, only Jesus Christ, conqueror of all that brings destruction, can bring an end to the death spiral that homosexual orientation impels one toward.

Yes, trying to live according to orthodox Christian moral teaching is exhausting at times. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got nothing left in me to keep me going; I am so tired. Often there’s no one around to rely on for emotional support when I just want to feel good. There are times when I feel extremely vulnerable, and I fear the days, weeks, and months ahead. These are the times that I want a beautiful strong, virile man to comfort me; I want ‘a god’ essentially. I don’t want to be alone on those days when I feel some considerable desperation, maybe even despair.

Friendship or Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction is a force of nature, like powerful winds, or perhaps like life breaking forth through the seasons of spring and summer. It is something I do not understand. I experience (without understanding), arousal, sexual attraction, lust. But, I cannot say with certainty that any such feeling has ever had any connection in me to love, or the experience of being in love, nor to being loved.

Throughout most of my life, until probably 35 years of age, I could not distinguish between my attraction to men who were physically appealing to me, and men with whom I might actually have been able to establish some kind of healthy friendship. This resulted in perpetual internal chaos for me. Of course, there is always an element of attraction that one experiences in relation to those persons with whom one desires to build friendship. However, the element of emotional need for affirmation in me manifested itself, as mentioned earlier, in a self-annihilating desperation, followed by despair over my obsession with the ‘newest male’ in my life. The obsession invariably spiralled out of control. With the passing of years my obsessive ‘cycles’ grew less frequent but more dangerous, more self-destroying, ever darker, and more deeply despairing; all because I had no innate sense of self.

Gender Confusion and Friendships

What you do with your mind plays itself out in your flesh and the world around you.

I had to work extremely hard to establish a sense of myself ‘as a man.’ I have noticed with gender-confused individuals that they buttress their confusion by building an identity around

‘a look’ related to the gender or sexual orientation with which they most desire to identify at a given stage of life. For a time during my adolescence, for example, I chose to cultivate an effeminate manner. Later, as I got to know myself and Jesus better, I wanted to grow into a sense of my own masculinity, to the extent that I was capable. Am I ‘naturally’ effeminate? When I was younger, I think I may have been, but as I got to know other males and develop close, brotherly, heterosexual relationships with them, I grew into a sense of my own manhood. Throughout my youth and young adulthood, I was unconsciously trying to build friendships with men who, I thought, would be strong for me. But, I had to learn to be strong for myself.

I once knew two brothers. They ‘adopted’ me. They unknowingly taught me how to be male. They invited me into the world of men. We would camp and hike. I think I loved them, and they may have loved me too. In those days I was desperate for brothers. The two were an answer to my hopes and my prayers. We were vulnerable with each other.

There was an occasion when God saw fit to have me present to one of them as a companion through a time that seemed like death to him. On that journey we reached the fullest depths of intimacy into which two men can enter in the manner intended by God. How do I know this? How do I explain love, or God? If I had entered into erotic and sexual relations with my friend, the intimacy between us would have been changed. It would no longer have been an intimacy of soul, a spiritual closeness, unlike any I had known before. The relationship would have become sex, or something more dangerous, and no longer an intimacy blessed by God. There would have been emotion, but no longer intimate relationship of heart – spirit – soul. Whether people want to hear it or not, there exists an absolute limit to physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy intimacy between two men. God allowed for me to experience that limit, so that I would be free to continue growing in relationship with Him.

Fear, sexuality, and God

At a certain point, in my late forties mind you, I grew sick of being afraid of my male genitalia as a potential source of ‘dangerous, sinful, sexual pleasure.’ I also became excessively burdened by fear of my same-sex-attractions. I had never intentionally viewed gay porn in my entire life, for example, because I was terrified of what it might do to me, to my mind, my imagination. It was during the COVID pandemic that I said to myself that I could no longer be afraid of this part of me, that has done me no good, that has only ever been a window into my complete self-destruction. I looked at the porn.

The images blew my brain apart, much as I had predicted. But I survived – this is God’s grace, love, and mercy. I am less afraid now, maybe because I know a little better what I was afraid of. What I feared encountering through gay porn were the feelings and emotions that I was terrified to face in myself, but that were already in me to be dealt with. What there is inside of me is there to be contended with. “I am who I am before God,” Mother Teresa used to say. I ‘see’ same-sex-attraction in me. I still wish things were different. I know that my homosexual inclinations, like all addictive behaviours, are still a danger to me, but now I am not so afraid.

Pertaining to sexual relations between men, there is nothing in male nature that inclines men to permanent conjugal relations with one another. Males are meant to love one another and to support each other in mission. The mission of a man is to be faithfully united to God while providing for those who rely upon him (wife, children, elders, the needy, the vulnerable, and others). I’ve spoken with formerly sexually active ‘gay’ men who have told me that they engaged in some sort of genital sexual encounter with hundreds, and sometimes thousands, of men. Men are not naturally inclined to remain in permanent intimate partnership with other men in the manner of heterosexual familial relationships. To live as a gay man is to live as a void and to live for a void. To live as a man conformed to Judeo-Christian divine revelation, and set aside a ‘gay identity,’ is to live fully into Life.

Same-sex-attracted Christians of the biblically – theologically – and morally – orthodox persuasion, are much like the canary carried into the mine shafts of years past. The canary would succumb to the poisons in the air before the miners would take notice of the ill effect upon themselves, and so they were able to escape. The drift of the churches into viewing homosexual orientation as ‘God-willed,’ and homosexual relations as ‘God-blessed,’ is the de facto suffocation and eradication of orthodox believing, same-sex-attracted Christians from the church. These people are Christians, like myself, who simply choose to live according to the historical, orthodox, biblical and moral teachings of Christianity observed for over two millennia. The fact that church authorities are removing us from their remodelled, re-visioned forms of religion speaks for itself. Being that the ‘old’ religion, and its moral directives, are both liveable and produce good fruit, why are Church leaders attempting to erase the truth received over hundreds of generations? Truth that remains, regardless of its inconvenience. Church organizations are failing same-sex-attracted Christians, so where can we find hope, or God, amongst those who profess themselves to be ‘followers of Jesus?’

In my youth I found hope in the immature conviction that Catholicism embodied all that was divinely revealed; that the Catholic Church was the physical manifestation of truth on Earth. I was a child with the vulnerability of a babe at his mother’s breast, however, ‘The Church’ is not always ranked amongst those who protect. “What is truth?”, asked, or perhaps declared, Pontius Pilate. The only way I can personally discern truth is by knowing what does not kill me ; by knowing what has saved my life. It is Jesus, the thoughts and words of Scripture, and orthodox Christian moral teaching regarding how to act and live, that have ultimately saved my life.

The orthodox teaching of the churches, (founded upon God’s divinely revealed Word in Scripture), is that homosexual behaviour is a dis-orientation of sexuality away from the purposes that God intends. To express one’s sexuality in any manner outside of divinely sanctioned marriage between one man and one woman, is to distort the nature of both sexuality, and marriage. It comes to no good, and arrives at more disorder, pain, hurt, confusion, and the list of evils goes on exponentially. The list is exponentially long because humans are infinitely complex. So the knots in our psychology that we create, or that are created in us by the uses and abuses that others have imposed upon us, can only be undone by our Creator who made us and knows us entirely.

Some suggest that ‘gay marriage’ is simply the ‘Christian’ way of reconciling oneself with the experience of homosexual feelings that he or she chooses to embrace. Some declare that because they believe that they should not be required to deny their homosexual desires, those sexual inclinations are God intended, and therefore, not sinful. They argue that Scripture does not comprehensively address God’s true intentions regarding human sexual relationships; That the Church, in light of modern science, has never fully understood God’s plan for human sexual relationships or morality. The fact remains, however, that the law of God – the natural law, let’s say – will not abide by our preferences, and it is not we who tell God how we will live happy and healthy and well, nor what is right and moral and true. God does not dwell in some sort of equal partnership with our self-deception and lies. We are not the measure of holiness, and God’s Word does not compromise with falsehood.

In my teens and twenties Evangelical Christians constantly questioned the authenticity of my Christian faith because I was not a ‘Bible Christian,’: so called. Irony of ironies, 20 years later many of my friends and associates, from those very churches, were abandoning Scripture as the authoritative source of faith and moral teaching. Now another ten years later, many of those churches have splintered. The catalyst for the church break-ups was same-sex marriage. (I’m curious to know how many practicing homosexuals have started attending church because congregations no longer adhere to the teaching of Scripture around sexual morality – there are no statistics readily available). The Bible’s contents are now considered by those church congregants to be, perhaps, occasionally helpful, but nothing to bet your life on. And a simple, orthodox, reading of Scripture is certainly nothing to teach your children and grandchildren if they exist, or ever will.

Maybe some church-goers do concede that the Bible is an authoritative text for faith and moral teaching in the Christian community, but who can interpret it accurately? Who has that authority? Certainly some claim, “Well, the Holy Spirit is leading and guiding me, so I have the authority to interpret Scripture correctly, and however I interpret it is going to be right, because I believe the Holy Spirit is guiding me and won’t let me misunderstand anything.” We all know that doesn’t work, because there are tens of thousands of churches ripping the others down, declaring the purity and sanctity of their ‘singular authoritative Bible interpretation.’ Regardless of this circumstance, however, there are believers, throughout the last 2000+ years, who have consistently, if imperfectly, lived and taught the faith based upon a simple reading of the Scriptures.

Biblical interpretation in light of Sacred Tradition has sustained orthodoxy within the global Christian community for two millennia. There is no more reliable approach to upholding Christian orthodoxy than by building upon the truths of the faith already clearly established by our forebears. This approach gives us the broadest possible base for the sound interpretation of Scripture – interpretation that is not entirely bound by one place, one culture, one point in time, and one contemporary socially-influenced perspective. I do believe that the Holy Spirit unfailingly guides the Church, regardless of the failings of her leadership.

The Church

As to the failure of ‘leaders’ in the Church, I once felt it important to write a personal letter to the superior of an international religious order. I include the text below:

Dear Father,

To encourage homosexually-oriented individuals in such behaviour is destructive to their entire being and contrary to how God created them. There is healing for homosexuality, and its slavery, in Jesus Christ. I know it personally. There is no love, and no lover, greater than our Creator who made us to be fully man and fully woman in all respects, physical, spiritual, psychological, and emotional. The gravest injustice a spiritual and moral teacher can do to homosexually-oriented persons is to encourage them in the belief that homosexuality is God’s will for their lives. Homosexual behaviour is, by nature, completely destructive, on all levels of being, to the human person.

If you have made the mistake of believing that homosexual orientation is a good, and God’s will for yourself or others, then you are believing a lie. If you are preaching this, as some media outlets report, then you are committing a grave and mortal injustice against homosexually-oriented people. I plead with you to desist from this destroying error and seek Veritas and freedom, in their fullness, through Scripture and the moral teaching of the Church.

I’m a catholic Christian and I know good men who, therefore, make good pastors and priests – it is not to be taken for granted that all priests are more or less ‘good men’ to be trusted (as the letter I wrote above might indicate). Several of my early experiences of intimate dealings with the Church – at the administrative level – were dark, and I take no pleasure in recounting them. Sexual interference and abusers in the ‘church system’ around the world have been first-hand experiences of mine. Unknowingly, as a kid and then as a teen I, unfortunately, encountered a number of child sexual abusers and pederasts. (Please note:kids who come out of abusive and/or neglectful environments are typically highly vulnerable psychologically, and emotionally, and are therefore more easily targeted by successive abusers) . Here follows my (incomplete) list of experiences of being sexually interfered with, and the locales, as I do not wish to review, reflect upon, nor belabour the subject:

A guest priest at my parish church, when I was a child was later imprisoned for child molestation; my Grade 5 public school teacher was a known child molester (who was never successfully prosecuted); a teenager some years my senior, the son of a parishioner in my neighbourhood, attempted sexual relations with me on multiple occasions before I was 13 years of age. A local guest minister to my parish was murdered by a male prostitute. Two of my Catholic high school teachers were charged for sexual abuse of minors, and one of them was imprisoned. In Iberia, a religious brother, and a transitional deacon (six months from ordination to the priesthood), whom the religious brother had introduced me to, both attempted to engage in sexual relations with me. The deacon further informed me that he had a friend, a bishop, who would make special arrangements for us all, with regard to freedom to engage in sustained future sexual relationships, if I were to be admitted to the religious Order.

Each of these encounters happened before I was 18 years of age.

All this now said, being a Christian has allowed me to survive, and thrive, in this functionally rootless, spiritually – and morally – chaotic society. Same-sex-attraction would have dominated me, and then killed me, were it not for Jesus and the catholic faith that I have received and been nurtured by. I describe catholic Christianity as a religion of the dirt, something I gleaned from the writings of Pope Benedict XVI. Catholic Christianity makes sense of the created order (‘the world’) by seeing and recognizing God the Creator, and Divine Revelation, amidst the mud and the dirt. God came to us by a young woman, in a baby boy, born through blood and travail, into blood and travail, dying in blood and travail. This is Christianity, God among us, in the mud.

The Bible is humanity’s only comprehensive map for survival. In a society some call post-Christian, the Bible, and the moral teaching of the catholic Church based upon it, are objectively the only anchors keeping body and soul together for people like myself. I have been asked by young people in recent years if ‘being gay’ is wrong. My answer is that it isn’t what God intends for our lives. Following the orthodox teachings of the Church, that have been formulated in the light of God’s Word – the Bible, will fulfill for you all that it is you yearn for and need, as regards both love and hope. In other words, relationship with Jesus saves, heals, and completes us. How? By his Spirit and by his people, his Love in the community of the Church. As previously stated, we also know him physically and spiritually through his presence to us in the communion bread of the church altar, the Blessed Sacrament. “He is there. Your mind has to bend, but he is there.” (Mother Teresa)

Today what many people associate with ‘love’ is actually the freedom to have sex with people to whom they are attracted and feel like they want to stay with for a while. This is not love, and many people, ‘gay’ or ‘straight,’ suffer and die on that lie. For one who does not seek Love, Love will never satisfy, but nothing else will either. The love we seek is in intimacy with God. He is enough. Jesus will meet your every need. Things won’t always be easy, but he will meet your every need.

Prayer and Living

Mother Teresa of Calcutta used to say about relationship with God that “God speaks in the silence of the heart, and we listen. And then we speak to God from the fullness of our heart, and God listens. And this listening and this speaking is what prayer is meant to be.” St. John Vianney, tells a story of an old man who was asked about why he spent time sitting alone in church every day. The man replied, “I look at God, and God looks at me.” As to my own life with Father God-Jesus-Holy Spirit, I spend quite a lot of time in quiet and on my own. I journal my prayers to God, I read the lives and teaching of saints, I light a candle before a holy icon, I pray my rosary or another chaplet of one of the saints I love. It seems that now, at times throughout the day, I just sit – to listen, to hear what is silent, to hear what is interspersed with silences: a crow’s caw, the wind in the trees, a wind chime, a lawn mower, an airplane passing over, a truck in the distance, the sun on my skin, the moisture on my forehead, some sparrows in a debate, a dog or two barking, a branch breaking. The prayer of my heart of late is frequently drawn from the words of St. Augustine of Hippo, “Light of my heart, do not let my own darkness speak to me.”

I am a Christian, my relationship with Jesus defines me, my life, my friendships, my actions, my choices, my decisions, my hopes, my dreams, my vision(s) for the future, my view of the world, my understanding of life on this earth. He is my life, “He is my all in all.” Jesus is my first and my last, my beginning, my end. I love Him. I love His kids. He loves me.

Worship anything you like, but it will die with you if it is not the God of Jesus Christ -- Jesus who is God risen from the dead. St. Paul, in Ephesians 2 says, “As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved…”

Mother Teresa also used to say, “We have been created to love and be loved.” Until I heard these words I had a lingering question about my life’s purpose. She helped me. Religion, ‘faith,’ does not survive as a trite ‘add-on’ to the ‘real, meaningful, important things’ of everyday living, like money, sex, and power. Faith in Jesus will fade away if your life doesn’t depend on him in every way. Here is another simple prayer, derived from a song I heard years ago, that I frequently find myself saying – “Jesus, please, be the realest thing I know.”

Counseling

Counseling has its place. I have undertaken years of worthwhile, and very helpful, counseling support, but it has its limits. No counselor, of themself, is the ‘voice of God’ to be left unchallenged or unquestioned, and at a certain point you will be healthy and strong enough to know what is best for yourself.

My last ‘bout’ of counseling around emotional dependency on males ended with the counselor, during our first session, wanting me to talk about my, “being gay,” when I had told her, explicitly, that I was not there to discuss my sexuality. I was there to deal with my emotional dependency struggles relating to men, which in all my years of going to counseling had never been effectively helped, (but I kept trying). At the end of that session – our one and only session, I might add – I inquired as to why she had asked me about something I’d specifically told her I was not there to discuss. To be honest, I do not recall her response, because her act of disregard for my request determined, in that very moment, my decision not to see her again.

Christian ministries that have helped me to hold on to Jesus’ hand, through dealing with the trials that same-sex-attraction has brought, have helped me immensely through some of my toughest years. Counselors who respect orthodox Christian faith and moral teaching have also been a great help to me. As alluded to earlier, in the end it was my faith, and healthy, heterosexual, fraternal, relationships with both men and women, (intimate of heart and mind, not sexual or erotic), that allowed me to heal and grow into my male gender identity, and away from emotional codependency. As a result I have, over the years, become increasingly able to build healthy and loving, chaste friendships with other men, predicated upon intimacy with God, and a healthy self-understanding.

“Self-hating Gays”

It’s always been an existential terror for me, being ‘gay.’ As a young person I was terrified of burning in hell, (and not only because of my homosexual inclinations); however, fear of hell was somewhat peripheral to other matters in my life at the time. As previously mentioned, I experienced threats, intimidation, and emotional isolation both at home and at school. As I got older, when I was attracted to another guy, it was always at a distance, and he was always straight. The few times as a teen that I had the chance to have sex with guys, or females, I turned it down. I wanted love. I wanted to be loved. I wanted brothers, not sex partners, despite the fact that I was exclusively attracted to guys. In high school I was told by a friend, (who later decided he was bisexual), that once I was old enough to get into gay bars, and be around other gay guys, I would feel comfortable with my homosexuality. However, that never happened. My conscience and faith convictions wouldn’t allow it. I was ready to throw myself away to any guy who would have me, but God protected and guided me.

‘Unwanted same-sex-attraction,’ you say?! Who wouldn’t want to be gay?! It’s so romantic and fun looking for ‘the one’ who will ‘love you for who you are,’ and make you feel that you somehow ‘matter’ in the world. But, as one of my same-sex-attracted Christian mentors once said to me, “I was having sex with a guy in one of the rooms at a bar and he wanted me to hold him. I told him I was there for sex, not affection.” My mentor had been raped as a child, and I quote, “My grandpa f*ed me when I was three years old.” But, as I mentioned earlier, people say, “The genesis of homosexuality is irrelevant. Being gay is ‘who you are.’” However, engaging in homosexual behaviour can also kill you, for a lot more reasons than anyone nowadays is willing to admit, or discuss.

An interesting, if troubling, aside is that as a teen I was invited to a sexual liaison with a gay couple of about my age. Their thinking, as they expressed it to me, was: “All the other gay guys our age are living with, and/or sleeping with men much older than themselves. We want to be able to have sex with guys our own age, so we’re trying to connect with friends of friends, who are gay, for sex.” Added to that, the ‘initiator’ of this encounter, explained that he was not gay. Rather, he was interested in occultism and satanism, showing me the pentagram and animal skull shrine he had set up in his room, and that he got into gay sex as part of his occult practices. Yes, reality is at least as weird as fiction.

The insights that the young gay pair, mentioned above, gave me into some of the practices and proclivities of sexual life amongst men who have sex with men, should, I suppose, be of no surprise. It’s the way things have always been, I hear, even back to Greek Empire days. In my early adolescence I read a Greek history book my grandfather had that stated, in classical times, pederasty was common. It explained that adolescent boys were partnered with somewhat older men to fulfill a sexual role, and to be ‘mentored,’ until they were married to a young woman. A similar ‘tradition’ persists to this day in the once ancient Greek territory of Afghanistan, ‘coincidentally,’ in the form of the training, and trade in, “dancing boys.” Boys under the age of 18, from poor families, who are trained to perform publicly ‘as girls’ and offered, for sexual favours, to those men willing to pay. Under the Taliban the practice is said to have been curtailed, but still remains, according to recent documentary evidence. (Apparently, it thrived under U.S. rule in the country).

I have hypothesized for many years that the problem of homosexuality would be much less, if families were not shattered by divorce so entirely, since the 1960’s ‘sexual revolution’ (which turns out to have been more akin to a ‘sexual genocide’). I hold that intact families do not, for the most part, produce homosexually oriented kids, because kids learn gender identity, and develop their sexual orientation, through healthy parental relationships. I, on the other hand, had an ‘intact’ nuclear family, but was born to parents who had severely broken families, making my story another variation on the theme.

Miracles of Love

I hear gay rights ‘allies’ say things like, “The Catholic Church’s teaching that homosexual behaviour is ‘objectively disordered’ is problematic.” My own view is affected and influenced by basic biology. It is literally built-in to my nature and physiology as a male to contribute, both spiritually and/or biologically, to the bringing forth of life into the world. I can, however, intentionally misdirect that capacity by engaging in behaviours that do not bear forth life, i.e. disobedience to God (as in breaking the Ten Commandments. For example, if I were to engage in sexual behaviour that is clearly (objectively) not open to the possibility of creating life, which is (again objectively) the natural end toward which sexual relations are oriented). Yet, if I were to add my half of humanity to my wife’s half of humanity, we could bring forth another whole human person. Hopefully, even a psychologically – and emotionally – healthy person if we submit our lives and wills to God’s love and direction with regard to raising our child. Amazing. It is no wonder, then, that people often say parenthood is a miracle and that it changes them; and that they have no greater love than the love that they feel for their little ones.

Growing Into Manhood

Little by little, over many years, I learned and developed a more masculine ‘manner,’ so I’m told. I gained a greater sense of myself, and connection to my male body, through male sport-related activities and increased social involvement with other men. Gradually, I built reasonably healthy heterosexual male friendships; a generalised homoerotic arousal, however, has never fully gone away, though it is typically not attraction to people I actually know. The manner in which same-sex-attraction dominated my emotional life as a teen is mostly in my past now. Perhaps that is due to a combination of decisions I have consistently made not to pursue my homosexual inclinations, added to biological, psychological, and emotional maturation – maybe it’s God the Holy Spirit. Most likely it is all of them combined.

There are three key factors in my youth that I can identify as having kept me reasonably safe from serious harm psychologically, emotionally, and relationally, as regards my interactions with other males: 1. My faith, 2. My conscience, and 3. My parents. These three factors combined would not allow me the ‘freedom’ to choose gay sexual relationships, despite the fact that I was out of control emotionally, and completely self-destroying in codependency with any good looking guy who was minimally kind to me. This vulnerability left me an easy target for being manipulated and used, by any male. By God’s grace, this only occurred a few times, beginning in adolescence and carrying through to adulthood, but with ever more grave consequences as years passed. My codependent addictive cycles with men gradually became intolerably painful for me. I did not know how I could bear life anymore, because my pattern of emotional codependency had been life-long and hopelessly inescapable. In 2018, after years of counseling, I began to take medication, and the perpetual nightmare began to dissipate.

Jesus is Hope

I am remembering an old Carthusian monk interviewed in the documentary, Into Great Silence. He was very old, as old men go, and he was also blind. In the interview he said: “It is tragic that people no longer believe in God. What other reason do they have to live?” And as to his blindness he says, disconcertingly to me I might add, “I am certain that I was blinded for the good of my soul.” The lesson held for me in the old monk’s words is that our hope in this world is in God alone. Nothing and no one else lasts, not even we ourselves can make a single hair grow on our heads, or make the sun shine, or keep our health through the passing of time. You spend your life learning who you are, without ever really reaching any irrefutable conclusions, (aside from the fact that you belong to God, and that he loves you). – “Why do I do what I do not want to do, and yet invariably end up doing what I hate?” As St. Paul put it so succinctly. With these things in mind, my hope for the next generation is that they will know you Jesus, and that they in turn will share your love, and the hope that you give, to all the people that they meet, for the rest of their lives.

Conclusion

So, yes, my parents threatened me; the school kids surrounding me threatened me; the society I lived in threatened me. All of these threatened me with what felt like existential annihilation, for ‘just being alive,’ let alone ‘being ‘gay’.’ Further, my faith convictions and my conscience wouldn’t allow me to engage in sex with anyone outside of marriage; and the gay subculture(s) that I was introduced to, and was inclined toward, were really nothing short of unimaginably perverse. Who could possibly be okay with being gay under those circumstances? So, maybe I am an ‘internaliz-ed-ly homophobic, self-hating gay’ after all. (Only now I know that sex with a man, [or more likely ‘men’], isn’t going to complete me, heal me, fulfil me, or make me whole).

The church is not a social club. It is a raft upon which a handful of drowning, desperate individuals cling for survival. Society today is like a sea incessantly in storm. In the western, secular, cultural context there is no firm footing upon which people like me can stand, other than the orthodox Christian faith. The faith that our ancestors, through two millennia, have passed on to us, out of hope and love for us.

Many people today, educated people, attempt to hold together social relationships – personal, institutional, and cultural – that were originally founded upon orthodox Christian values and principles; meanwhile, the same people, at the same time, work intently at setting fire to this small raft of faith, hope, and love, that is keeping so many of us (or so few, depending on how you want to count) alive. In the Old Testament the sea is often presented as a symbol of chaos, evil, destruction, and death, (in other words, a kind of ‘hell’) – not one of us on this raft needs ‘the educated people’ to nudge, or push us, into the waves. Swimming into that sea of destruction is a personal choice. Hell is a decision before it is a destination.

No one ends up in hell by accident. God has done, and will do, all in his power to make clear to you the consequences of your thoughts, decisions, and actions. He loves you. God’s loving you means that, in his justice and mercy, he cannot, and will not, allow you to fall, as if by accident, off of some cliff that you did not know was there. Not when your eternal destiny in His loving arms is at stake. “We have been created to love and be loved.”

Human sexuality, ordered as God intends, is infinite in its power to propagate life, and love, perhaps even to eternity. Conversely, misdirected sexuality, with its force and intensity wrongly directed, will, when allowed to gain its full momentum, infinitely destroy all that you are, all that you have ever loved, and all that you had the potential to become.

The Christian faith is a way of surviving, living, and thriving; it is not just a set of ideas that are negotiable. For those of us who were once drowning and dying, Christian orthodoxy is our only hope in an ocean of despair. Society’s institutional, cultural, spiritual, and moral collapse offer us no footing at all, but rather, just cold, dark, consumption and death. Only Jesus, in, and through, the living out of orthodox Christian faith, and the moral teaching of His Church, provides us our solid footing.

–The Four Degrees of Love–

First: Love of self for self’s sake.

Second: Love of God for self’s sake.

Third: Love of God for God’s sake.

Fourth: Love of self for God’s sake.

– by St Bernard of Clairvaux

Christian Friendship – “Two Bodies One Spirit” – Eulogy for St Basil of Caesarea by St Gregory Nazianzen (4th century)

+++Basil and I were both in Athens. We had come, like streams of a river, from the same source in our native land, had separated from each other in pursuit of learning, and were now united again as if by plan, for God so arranged it…

We seemed to be two bodies with a single spirit. Though we cannot believe those who claim that everything is contained in everything, yet you must believe that in our case each of us was in the other and with the other.

Our single object and ambition was virtue, and a life of hope in the blessings that are to come; we wanted to withdraw from this world before we departed from it. With this end in view we ordered our lives and all our actions. We followed the guidance of God’s law and spurred each other on to virtue. If it is not too boastful to say, we found in each other a standard and rule for discerning right from wrong.

Different men have different names, which they owe to their parents or to themselves, that is, to their own pursuits and achievements. But our great pursuit, the great name we wanted, was to be Christians, to be called Christians. +++

+“Truth suffers, but never dies.” – St Teresa of Ávila+

SIRACH 2: My child, if you seek to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for an ordeal. Be sincere of heart, be steadfast, and do not be alarmed when disaster comes. Cling to him and do not leave him, so that you may be honoured at the end of your days. Whatever happens to you, accept it, and in the uncertainties of your humble state, be patient, since gold is tested in the fire, and the chosen in the furnace of humiliation. Trust him and he will uphold you, follow a straight path and hope in him. You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy; do not turn aside, for fear you fall. You who fear the Lord, trust him, and you will not be robbed of your reward. You who fear the Lord, hope for those good gifts of his, everlasting joy and mercy. Look at the generations of old and see: whoever trusted in the Lord and was put to shame? Or whoever, steadfastly fearing him, was forsaken? Or whoever called to him and was ignored? For the Lord is compassionate and merciful, he forgives sins and saves in the time of distress. Woe to faint hearts and listless hands, and to the sinner who treads two paths. Woe to the listless heart that has no faith, for such will have no protection. Woe to you who have lost the strength to endure; what will you do at the Lord's visitation? Those who fear the Lord do not disdain his words, and those who love him keep his ways. Those who fear the Lord do their best to please him, and those who love him will find satisfaction in the Law. Those who fear the Lord keep their hearts prepared and humble themselves in his presence. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, not into any human clutches; for as his majesty is, so too is his mercy.

+Amen+

Endnotes

Page 1

Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV - The Armor of God - Finally, be strong - Bible Gateway (2023)

Sirach 2:1-11 RSV - Duties toward God - My son, if you come - Bible Gateway (2023) See also: Among the 188 Martyrs of the September Massacres: Meet St. Salomone Leclerq (aleteia.org) (2020)

See: Catechism of the Catholic Church - PART 3 SECTION 2 CHAPTER 2 ARTICLE 6 (scborromeo.org) (1995)

As quoted from Mother Teresa of Calcutta to her Missionaries of Charity Sisters (c.1985)

See: CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA: St. Teresa of Jesus (Teresa of Avila) (newadvent.org) (1912)

See: (1) Do You Actually Need A Father To Raise A Child? - Dr Anna Machin | Modern Wisdom 680 - YouTube (2023)

Page 2

See: North-West Half-Breed Commissions - Commissions - Métis Scrip Records - Library and Archives Canada (collectionscanada.gc.ca) (2012)

See: Sixties Scoop | The Canadian Encyclopedia (2016)

See: 10 things to know about Mennonites in Canada | Canadian Mennonite Magazine (2017)

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The conclusions drawn in this article, predictably, assume same-sex-attraction (SSA) is innate while the author, at the same time, downplays research studies that indicate abuse and neglect play a role in the development of SSA. See: Does Abusing Children Have Consequences for Sexuality? | Psychology Today (2019)

Isaiah 49:15 NIV - “Can a mother forget the baby at her - Bible Gateway (2023)

1 John 4 NIV - On Denying the Incarnation - Dear - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Liturgical Vestments (catholicexchange.com) (2021)

See: De-transitioner Oli London shares conversion to Christianity | Catholic News Agency (2022)

See: Long-term Cognitive, Psychological, and Health Outcomes Associated With Child Abuse and Neglect | Pediatrics | American Academy of Pediatrics (aap.org) at the section ‘Psychological Maltreatment: Emotional Abuse and/or Neglect.’ (2020)

See: Does Maltreatment in Childhood Affect Sexual Orientation in Adulthood? - PMC (nih.gov) (2014)

Parental relationships deeply impact gender and sexuality in early childhood. See: Childhood experiences of homosexual men : Mothers and sons (fathersforlife.org) (1999) and Project MUSE - Absent Fathers, Homosexual Sons, and Melancholic Repression in Three of Hemingway’s Short Stories (jhu.edu) (2013); see also: FATHERS OF MALE HOMOSEXUALS: A Collective Clinical Profile — Joseph Nicolosi - Reparative Therapy® (1996)

See: Adverse Experiences | Psychology Today (2023)

In his retirement years he told me that it hurt him to discipline us. See: About – Sixties Scoop | Métis Nation Saskatchewan (metisnationsk.com) (2019)

See: Understanding Early Sexual Development (hopkinsallchildrens.org) (2023)

See: Child Development | Psychology Today (2023) and Gender identity: What shapes boys and girls | BabyCenter (2023)

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There is no conclusive scientific evidence that homosexual orientation is genetic. See: Massive Study Finds No Single Genetic Cause of Same-Sex Sexual Behavior - Scientific American (2019)

Even if same-sex-attraction were genetic it does not mean that it’s any better for a person than, for example, genetically influenced alcoholism.

See: Same-Sex Attraction and Childhood Sexual Abuse – The Evidence | Joseph Sciambra (2023) and 9 Male Rape Victims Reveal Their Experiences And How It Has Affected Their Lives - Caveman Circus (2021).

Sadly, in a significant minority of sexual abuse survivors, the abused become abusers. See: Cycle of child sexual abuse: Links between being a victim and becoming a perpetrator | The British Journal of Psychiatry | Cambridge Core (2018)

See: On the Psychogenesis of Homosexuality - PMC (nih.gov) (2011)

See: Born to Bottom; or God didn’t make me gay. | Joseph Sciambra (2017)

See: The Ruthenian Catholic Churches | CNEWA and The Ukrainian Catholic Church | CNEWA (2011)

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Matthew 4:19 NIV - “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: The Orthodox Faith - Volume II - Worship - The Church Building - Icons - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2023)

See: Monasticism in Western Medieval Europe | Essay | The Metropolitan Museum of Art | Heilbrunn Timeline of Art History (metmuseum.org) (2013)

See: Gregorian chant | History, Notation & Performance | Britannica (2023) and an example (3) Gregorian Chant Medieval Carols - YouTube (2019)

See: Saint Gabriel of Iveron, Who Retrieved the Holy Icon Called Portaitissa from the Sea | ORTHODOX CHRISTIANITY THEN AND NOW (johnsanidopoulos.com) (2018).

There is a story of Greek Orthodox Christian tradition about St Gabriel of Iveron, who retrieved the holy icon called ‘Portaitissa, the Gatekeeper’ from the sea. I know of the icon only from recent research that brought up images of a monk, kneeling upon ocean waves, offering prayers before an icon of the Virgin Mary, miraculously afloat above the waters. The image is unique and meaningful to me because it represents something like how I discovered God in part through iconography on western prairie sea of North America.

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See: Forms of Consecrated Life | USCCB (2023)

See: Letter to Artists, (April 4, 1999) | John Paul II (vatican.va) (1999)

See: Lourdes in the Light of Fatima - Catholic Family News (2020); and Biography - St. Maximilian Kolbe (saintmaximiliankolbe.com) (2023).

See also: “Our Lord of Lords, God-man, showed me his adorable Heart in the Sacramental bread. His Heart and the [bread of the Eucharistic] Host were perfectly united, so much one in the other that I cannot explain how it was possible for me to distinguish one from the other. From the Sacramental bread [of the Eucharist] emanated an immensity of rays of light. From His Heart sprang an immensity of flames, which escaped as if in [gushing] torrents. The most Holy Virgin was there, so close to Our Lord that she was as if absorbed by Him, and yet I could see her distinctly from Him... All the lights of the [Eucharistic] Host and all the flames of the Heart of Jesus passed through the Immaculate Heart of the Holy Virgin.”

From: Blessed Dina Bélanger - Wikipedia (2023)

The Rosary: See - Rosarium Virginis Mariae on the Most Holy Rosary (October 16, 2002) | John Paul II (vatican.va) (2002)

See the article by Joseph Sciambra: Seeing My Father Pray the Rosary Saved Me From Homosexuality - OnePeterFive (2017)

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See: Prayer to Our Lady of Mt. Carmel (aleteia.org). (2022)

See: A few tips on how to pray for someone --Aleteia (2018)

10 years old seems early but studies show even 9 years of age is the start for some boys: Puberty For Boys - Johns Hopkins All Children's Hospital (hopkinsallchildrens.org) (2023)

The distinction between how I use the terms ‘gay’ and gay (without quotations) is that ‘gay’ refers to ‘the term gay,’ versus gay as a way of choosing to live out one’s sexual identity and behaviour.

In the very moment that I realised that I was ‘gay’ it was as if a fly screen came down over my vision that did not lift for years, until a time of prayer at the monastic community of Chalon in Burgundy, France. See: Taizé (taize.fr)

Not at all uncommon amongst same-sex-attracted men. See: Childhood experiences of homosexual men : Mothers and sons (fathersforlife.org) (1999)

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Official video: (1) Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy (Official Video) - YouTube (1984)

Official Video: (1) Depeche Mode - Stripped (Official Video) - YouTube (1986)

I was also egged on by my secretly gay friend who would eventually end up murdered. “Damon,” another forgotten, indigenous, drug-addicted gay “sex-worker.”

This is the move I referred to above when Anne and I began to lose regular contact.

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See: The Catholic Eastern Churches | CNEWA (2015)

Matthew 10:32-42 NLT - “Everyone who acknowledges me - Bible Gateway (2023)

Read this excellent book by Timothy Keller: The Reason for God — Timothy Keller (2008)

See: (2) The Third Way: Homosexuality and the Catholic Church - YouTube (2015); (2) Can I Be Gay and Catholic? - YouTube (2020); (2) Homosexuality, Gay Marriage, and Holiness - YouTube (2018); Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons (vatican.va) (1986) and Catechism of the Catholic Church - PART 3 SECTION 2 CHAPTER 2 ARTICLE 6 (scborromeo.org) (1995)

Mark 4 NIV - The Parable of the Sower - Again Jesus - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Martyred Polish family set to be beatified in September (aleteia.org) (2023)

Zechariah 7:10 Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. And do not plot evil in your hearts against one another.' (biblehub.com) (2023)

My parents took in many of our school friends who had been forced to leave home as we were growing up.

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My parents, for example, were married on the feast of the Annunciation of Mary, and my eldest nephew was born on the feast of the Assumption of Mary. See: Luke 1:26-38 NIV - The Birth of Jesus Foretold - In the - Bible Gateway (2023) and 4 Fast facts about the Annunciation feast (aleteia.org) (2021)

Deuteronomy 4:24 NIV - For the LORD your God is a consuming - Bible Gateway (2023)

Ephesians 6:12 ESV - For we do not wrestle against flesh and - Bible Gateway (2023)

Luke 11:24-26 GNT - The Return of the Evil Spirit - “When - Bible Gateway (2023)

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The name by which the Blessed Virgin Mary referred to herself when she appeared to the young St Bernadette Soubirous at Lourdes. When Bernadette asked her name, Mary said, in the minority Occitan language of the region, “Que soy era Immaculada Concepciou,” – I am the Immaculate Conception.

See: Pilgrimage to Lourdes: Holy Mass at the Prairie of the Shrine of Lourdes (August 15, 2004) | John Paul II (vatican.va) (2004) and Occitan language | History, Grammar & Dialects | Britannica (1998)

See: Expert explains Church’s criteria for confirming Marian apparitions | Catholic News Agency (2008)

See, the 1943 biographical film about St. Bernadette Soubirous, and the Marian apparitions at Lourdes, France: The Song Of Bernadette 1 of 2 - YouTube (1943)

See: Participating in the Marian procession (lourdes-france.org) (2023)

On Marian devotion through history: See - The Importance of Marian Devotion (lasalette.org) (2022)

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See: OUR WORKS OF LOVE (missionariesofcharity.org) (2023)

See: The Eucharistic Life of St. Teresa of Calcutta| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2022)

See: Charismatic Christians - Christianity (2023)

See: FRIAR | English meaning - Cambridge Dictionary (2023) and Titus Brandsma: Journalist, martyr, saint of the 20th Century - Vatican News (2022)

See: Pederasty: A history still haunting us | Varsity (2021)

See: CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA: Congregation of Cluny (newadvent.org) (1908)

Revelation 12:9 ESV - And the great dragon was thrown down, - Bible Gateway (2023)

‘Transitional deacon,’ see: What is the difference between a transitional and a permanent deacon? (aleteia.org) (2021)

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See: How is Spain facing up to its Catholic Church sexual abuse scandal? | Euronews (2023)

The Acts of the Apostles - Bible Gateway (2023). See also the witness of martyr Blessed Natalia Tułasiewicz: Ursulines of the Roman Union (ursulines-roman-union.org) (2020)

See: The Miracles That Made Mother Teresa| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2016); Vatican Deemed Toddler's Near-Death Experience a Miracle - ABC News (go.com) (2010); Who was Titus Brandsma, the WWII Catholic martyr who will be canonized in May? | Catholic News Agency (2022); Two Indian nuns of Mother Teresa vow to stay with Ukrainians - Vatican News (2022); Mongolia trip shows pope's love for 'every single faithful,' cardinal says - Arlington Catholic Herald (2023)

See: Padre Pio’s advice on what to do during dark times (aleteia.org) (2021) and Biography - Padre Pio Foundation of America (2002)

See: Priory - Encyclopedia Volume - Catholic Encyclopedia - Catholic Online (2023) and Difference between priests, friars, and monks (aleteia.org) (2020)

See: Franciscan Friars of the Renewal (2023); Making His Merciful Love Visible | Sisters of St. Francis of the Martyr St. George (altonfranciscans.org) (2022); and Quick presentation – L'Ordre des Chartreux (2021)

What is it like to be a religious brother? | Catholic News Agency (2017)

See: Why did Saint Francis preach to the birds? (lincolndiocese.org) (2022); Seraphim of Sarov - OrthodoxWiki (2005); and The Origins of St Giles' — St Giles Cathedral (2023)

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See: St. Nunzio Experienced Redemptive Suffering at a Young Age - Ascension Press Media (2018)

… And also a true story, see: Saint Benedict Joseph Labre | Franciscan Media (2023)

Jeremiah 20:7-18 You seduced me, LORD, and I let myself be seduced; you were too strong for me, and you prevailed. All day long I am an object of laughter; everyone mocks me. Whenever I speak, I must cry out, violence | New American Bible, revised edition (NABRE) | Download The Bible App Now (2023)

Revelation 21:5, see: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+21%3A5&version=GNT (2023)

See: Romanesque architecture | History, Characteristics, & Facts | Britannica (2023)

See: Meaning of the Tabernacle Lamp in Catholic Churches - Taylor Marshall (2010)

See: England is Mary's Dowry: A new dedication for today - Diocese of Westminster (rcdow.org.uk) (2019)

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See: Mater Dolorosa, Mother of Sorrows « Catholic Insight (2022). See also: ‘Church believes in Mary’s Assumption’ - 2 July 1997 | John Paul II (vatican.va) (1997)

See: A Beginner's Guide to Adoration - LifeTeen.com for Catholic Youth (2023) and below,

See: Catechism of the Catholic Church - PART 4 SECTION 1 CHAPTER 1 ARTICLE 3 (scborromeo.org) (2023)

The Unlikely Friendship Between Mother Teresa and Princess Diana| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2019)

What is a fatwa? A religious studies professor explains (theconversation.com) (2022)

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See: The unirefque symbolism of the Sacred Heart (aleteia.org) (2018); Immaculate Heart of Mary devotion--Aleteia (2016); and Saint John Eudes | Founder, Congregation of Jesus & Mary, Missionary | Britannica (1998); Religious Family — The Eudists (eudistsusa.org) (2023) and John Eudes and Good Shepherd - Congregation of Our Lady of Charity of the Good Shepherd (sistersofthegoodshepherd.com) (2023)

Monstrance | Definition, Catholic, Etymology, Used For, & Facts | Britannica (1998)

See: Catechism of the Catholic Church - Paragraph # 1413 (scborromeo.org) (2023) and Ditch Transubstantiation, and You Ditch God | Catholic Answers (2022)

See: You searched for real presence - Taylor Marshall (2023)

Matthew 18 NIV - The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: The Other 23 Catholic Churches and Why They Exist - Ascension Press Media (2019)

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See: Pope Benedict XVI - Resignation, Age & Retirement (biography.com) (2022) and God and the World: Believing and Living in Our Time: Benedict XVI, Pope Emeritus, Seewald, Peter: 0008987086802: Christianity: Amazon Canada (2002)

See: St. Peter’s Basilica | History, Architects, Relics, Art, & Facts | Britannica (1998)

See: Basilica Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster (2023)

See: Grace and Mercy Meaning in the Bible - Characteristics (crosswalk.com) (2021)

Perhaps something like the hidden light of God’s power that raised Lazarus from the dead. See: John 11:38-44 NIV - Jesus Raises Lazarus From the Dead - Bible Gateway (2023); Genesis 1:3 NIV - And God said, “Let there be light,” - Bible Gateway (2023). See also: Matthew 27:45-54 ESV - The Death of Jesus - Now from the sixth - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Vatican City | History, Map, Flag, Location, Population, & Facts | Britannica (1999)

Matthew 18:6 GNT - Temptations to Sin - “If anyone - Bible Gateway (2023)

Genesis 1:27 NIV - So God created mankind in his own - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Enlightenment - Reason, Religion, Philosophy | Britannica (1998)

See: The Person and Society – Catechism of the Catholic Church - PART 3 SECTION 1 CHAPTER 2 ARTICLE 1 (scborromeo.org) (2019) and Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man and the Measure of All Things – Antigone (antigonejournal.com) (2021)

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See: Why I Could No Longer Stay in the Roman Catholic Church | Joseph Sciambra (2022)

Matthew 23 NIV - A Warning Against Hypocrisy - Then - Bible Gateway (2023)

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Psalm 103 ESV;NIV - Bless the LORD, O My Soul - Of David. - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 18:21-22 NRSVACE - Forgiveness - Then Peter came and said - Bible Gateway (2023)

John 14:1-14 NRSVACE - Jesus the Way to the Father - ‘Do not - Bible Gateway (2023)

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See: Emmanuel Lévinas | Jewish Philosopher, Existentialism, Ethics | Britannica (2022)

Every man or woman needs, in some way, to become a father or mother. See: Ethics and Infinity: Conversations with Philippe Nemo by Emmanuel Levinas - https://www.jstor.org/stable/24458756 (1984)

More than one of our forebears in the faith were called to much the same, see: St Magnus, Pray for Us - Diocese of Westminster (rcdow.org.uk) (2017); Magnus: Brown, George Mackay: 9781846975066: Books - Amazon.ca (2019); and St. Paul the Apostle: 1 Corinthians 7:8 ESV - To the unmarried and the widows I say - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Wild Child: St. Maximillian Kolbe was a terror to his mother --Aleteia (2019)

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See: Bison in Canada Discover Ancient Petroglyphs, Fulfilling an Indigenous Prophecy | History| Smithsonian Magazine (2021)

Hebrews 11 NIV - Faith in Action - Now faith is - Bible Gateway (2023)

Ephesians 3 NIV - God’s Marvelous Plan for the Gentiles - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Rosarium Virginis Mariae on the Most Holy Rosary (October 16, 2002) | John Paul II (vatican.va) (2002)

See: Try Mother Teresa’s 5-second prayer to Mary for when you need support (aleteia.org) (2020)

I pursued counseling for many years and found it helpful. However, the emotional pattern of dangerous compulsion to pursue destructive relationships with men never became manageable until I accepted the option of taking medication. See: Sexual compulsivity and men who have sex with men (MSM). (apa.org) (2018)

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2 Corinthians 12:9. See: 2 Corinthians 12 NIV - Paul’s Vision and His Thorn - I must - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Compulsive sexual behavior - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic (2023) and Anonymous gay encounters, sexual brutalization, and murder not infrequently go hand in hand. See: ‘Last Call: behind the terrifying untold story of New York's gay bar killer’ | Books | The Guardian (2021); also ‘How Many Serial Killers Are Gay Men’ – Sdlgbtn (2023); ‘Stephen Port – the quiet, porn-obsessed loner who turned into a serial killer’ | The Independent (2021); and ‘Gay serial killer The Candyman murdered 30 teen boys in 1970s’ | Toronto Sun (2018)

From ‘John Paul II: The Biography’, by Tad Szulc (1995). See: Pope John Paul II: Szulc, Tad: 9781416588863: Books - Amazon.ca (1995)

1 John 4 NIV - On Denying the Incarnation - Dear - Bible Gateway (2023)

Acts 17:28 NIV - ‘For in him we live and move and have - Bible Gateway (2023)

Luke 7:36-50 NIV - Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman - When - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: 25th anniversary of the death of Mother Teresa: this documentary sheds new light on a beloved saint - YouTube (2022)

Luke 12 NIV - Warnings and Encouragements - Bible Gateway (2023)

“I am who I am before God...” – St Francis of Assisi as quoted by Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

1 Corinthians 13 NIV - If I speak in the tongues of men or of - Bible Gateway (2023): 1 Cor. 13 is about love, not just for others but toward oneself also.

John 14 NIV - Jesus Comforts His Disciples - “Do - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: St. Ignatius on Overcoming Desolation - Ascension Press Media (2017)

John 10 NIV - The Good Shepherd and His Sheep - Bible Gateway (2023)

1 John 4 NIV - On Denying the Incarnation - Dear - Bible Gateway (2023)

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See: Yoram Hazony: National conservatism, overpopulation and the future of America | SpectatorTV - YouTube (2023)

Hebrews 10:24-25 NIV - And let us consider how we may spur one - Bible Gateway (2023)

The Nicene Creed, 325 AD. See: Nicene Creed | USCCB (2023)

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See: Intercession of the Saints — Church Fathers (2023) and How to Defend the Intercession of the Saints | Catholic Answers Magazine (2000)

See: The Immaculate Conception and Assumption (catholiceducation.org) (2009). See also:

Athanasius of Alexandria (c. 296–373) was the main defender of the deity of Christ against the second-century heretics. He wrote: “O noble Virgin, truly you are greater than any other greatness. For who is your equal in greatness, O dwelling place of God the Word? To whom among all creatures shall I compare you, O Virgin? You are greater than them all O [Ark of the] Covenant, clothed with purity instead of gold! You are the ark in which is found the golden vessel containing the true manna, that is, the flesh in which divinity resides” (Homily of the Papyrus of Turin).”

From: catholicism - Who is the earliest Church Father affirming the present Catholic interpretation of Mary as the Ark of the New Covenant? - Christianity Stack Exchange (2022)

For further reading, see:

Our All-Holy, Immaculate, Most Blessed and Glorified Lady, the Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Saint Mary | Coptic Orthodox Diocese of Los Angeles (lacopts.org) (2020); Sinlessness of Mary - Questions & Answers - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2023); Martin Luther (founder of the reform), speaks on Mary (catholicbridge.com); Mary: Without Sin — Church Fathers (2023)

As regards the study of the role of the Virgin Mary in God’s plan of redemption see: Five Marian Facts about St. Irenaeus of Lyons (catholicexchange.com) (2021)

See: St. Maximilian Kolbe’s act of consecration to the Virgin Mary (aleteia.org) (2021)

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See: Holy Righteous Joseph the Betrothed - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2023)

See: Saint Joseph Saved My Life | Joseph Sciambra (2022)

See: Redemptoris Custos (August 15, 1989) | John Paul II (vatican.va) (1989) and

Matthew 6:5-15 ESV;NIV - The Lord's Prayer - “And when - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: 10 Things You Need to Know about St Teresa of Avila (christianity.com) (2022) and

John of the Cross: Hovel or Step to Heaven? - 1501-1600 Church History Timeline (christianity.com) (2010)

See: St Demiana and the Forty Virgins – Martyrs & Monks | theotokos (2019)

See: The Forty Martyrs of Sebaste | Loyola Press (2023)

See: Mennonite | History, Beliefs, Practices, & Facts | Britannica (2023) and

Eastern Orthodoxy | Definition, Origin, History, & Facts | Britannica (2023)

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To quote Australian Coptic monk Fr. Lazarus el-Antony says of his life before knowing God and Mary in the 2018 documentary ‘Desert Foreigners.’ See: Desert Foreigners // Documentary // Director's Cut - YouTube (2016) and Desert Foreigners (Short 2020) - IMDb. (2020). See also: Coptic Monk: Fr. Lazarus El-Anthony (Arabic Subtitles) - Part One - YouTube (2014)

See: The Process of Becoming a Saint (catholiceducation.org) (2003)

Jan Tyranowski was a Catholic layman and spiritual student of saints John of the Cross and Thérèse of Lisieux, who mentored John Paul II in his young adulthood. Tyranowski died at just 46 years of age. See: The Mystic-Tailor: Servant of God Jan Tyranowski (catholicexchange.com) (2019)

Luke 6:27-36 NIV - Love for Enemies - “But to you who - Bible Gateway (2023)

Psalm 23 GNT - The Lord Our Shepherd - The LORD is my - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: It’s Lonely in Hell – Fear, Isolation, and Male Homosexuality | Joseph Sciambra (2017)

See: Sheltering at Home with St. Joseph, and My Father | Joseph Sciambra (2020)

See: (1) Masculinity & Healing | Fr. Sean Kilcawley - YouTube (2023)

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See: Pope: Gender ideology defies human vocation (aleteia.org) (2023) and Vatican document on gender: Yes to dialogue, no to ideology - Vatican News (2019)

See: Pope says gender ideology is dangerous (aleteia.org) (2021)

See: Nineteen Eighty-four | Summary, Characters, Analysis, & Facts | Britannica (2011)

See: Social Justice: A Religious Movement | Andrew Doyle | EP 373 - YouTube (2023)

See: Through devout faith Indigenous Catholics grow their parishes - Grandin Media (2019) and How Indigenous Catholic clergy reckon their culture with their faith | National Post (2022)

See: Pope Francis Compares Gender Theory to Nuclear Bomb (aleteia.org) (2015)

See: Pope says gender ideology is dangerous (aleteia.org) (2021)

See: The Wound That Wouldn’t Heal | Joseph Sciambra (2018)

See: Favouring bromances over romances, the rise of platonic love between men | CBC Life (2017)

See: Privileging the Bromance: A Critical Appraisal of Romantic and Bromantic Relationships - Stefan Robinson, Adam White, Eric Anderson, 2019 (sagepub.com) (2017)

Some men even desire to contract HIV/AIDS to gain a sense of connectedness with a partner who is HIV positive or to gain a sense of “completion.” See: Do some people really want to get HIV? I spoke to 'bug chasers' around the world to find out (theconversation.com) (2018); Generationing, Stealthing, and Gift Giving: The Intentional Transmission of HIV by HIV-Positive Men to their HIV-Negative Sex Partners - PMC (nih.gov) (2014); and bareback sex, bug chasers, and the gift of death: Deviant Behavior: Vol 20, No 1 (tandfonline.com) (1999)

Romans 1 NIV - Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called - Bible Gateway (2023) and Romans 12:2 NIV - Do not conform to the pattern of this - Bible Gateway (2023)

Sirach 6:14-17 GNT - A loyal friend is like a safe shelter; - Bible Gateway (2023)

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Ecclesiastes 1 ESV - All Is Vanity - The words of the - Bible Gateway (2023)

Luke 12:16-21 NIV - And he told them this parable: “The - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 8:20 NRSVACE - And Jesus said to him, ‘Foxes have - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 7:1-3 GNT - Judging Others - “Do not judge - Bible Gateway (2023)

Job 1 NIV - Prologue - In the land of Uz there - Bible Gateway (2023) and

1 Corinthians 13 NIV - If I speak in the tongues of men or of - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: A Brief History of the Liturgy - YouTube (2022)

See: (2) A Protestant Tours an Amazing Byzantine Catholic Church - YouTube (2022)

See: (1) Aelred of Rievaulx - YouTube; See also: The Suffering Servants: The Good, Courageous, and Persecuted Catholic Priests Who Saved My Life | Joseph Sciambra (2020)

See: Indochina | Definition, History, & Maps | Britannica (1999)

See: The difference between diocesan and religious priests | Diocese of Corpus Christi | Corpus Christi, TX (diocesecc.org) (2013)

‘Mendicant Order’ in Latin. A generic designation I am using to respect personal privacy. See: CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA: Mendicant Friars (newadvent.org) (1911)

The community of other men can bring profound healing. See: Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse Struggle To Find Treatment : NPR (2021)

Start video at 54:44 – See: (1) Extreme Pilgrim - Shaolin Monastery [LEGENDADO PT-BR] - YouTube (2014)

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See: ‘The Lord of the Rings’ in a Nutshell| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2023)

See: True Story of C.S. Lewis & J. R. R. Tolkien's Friendship & Collaboration on The Lord of the Rings (townandcountrymag.com) (2022)

Romans 8:29 NRSVACE - For those who m he foreknew he also - Bible Gateway (2023)

Galatians 5:22-23 NIV - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, - Bible Gateway (2023)

John 13:23 NIV - One of them, the disciple whom Jesus - Bible Gateway (2023) and John 19:26-27 NIV - When Jesus saw his mother there, and - Bible Gateway (2023)

Luke 15:11-31 ESV - The Parable of the Prodigal Son - And - Bible Gateway (2023) and 2 Kings 2 ESV - Elijah Taken to Heaven - Now when the - Bible Gateway (2023)

John 13:35 NIV - By this everyone will know that you are - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Conversion, Coming Home, and Hope in a Time of Chaos | Joseph Sciambra (2020)

Matthew 1:19-20 NRSVUE - Her husband Joseph, being a righteous - Bible Gateway (2023)

Acts 4:32-35 NIV - The Believers Share Their Possessions - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Ex-gays descend upon D.C. to lobby against LGBTQ rights (nbcnews.com) (2019)

Luke 12:49-53 NIV - Not Peace but Division - “I have come - Bible Gateway (2023) and 1 Corinthians 1:27 NRSVACE - But God chose what is foolish in the - Bible Gateway (2023)

For a corresponding reflection see: The Cult: gay as religious fanaticism | Joseph Sciambra (2016).

For the human tendency to worship our perceived human ‘ideal’, see also: Heracles | Myth, Significance, Labors, Meaning, & Facts | Britannica (2023) and Saint - Holiness, Martyrdom, Canonization | Britannica (2023)

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See: (PDF) Emotionally Absent Fathers: Furthering the Understanding of Homosexuality (researchgate.net) (2004) and Childhood Emotional Neglect: What It Is, and How It Can Affect You (healthline.com) (2022)

See: 40% of gay and bi-sexual British men report experiencing gay on gay sexual violence – Nearly half of gay, bi men in UK sexually assaulted, survey finds | Reuters (2021). See also: Identity in a Fog: Gender Identity After Sexual Abuse - The Good Men Project (2017)

While I do not agree with the following article’s heavy emphasis upon “gender stereotyping” as being central to a child’s gender identity development, the following quote appears accurate: “Although it is clear that parents, peers and teachers socialize children to think and act in gendered ways, boys’ and girls’ development is also influenced by biological factors, such as sex hormones, which influences children’s preferences for activities. As such, gender’s development might be best described as resulting from the interaction between gender socialization and biological factors.” From: Gender: early socialization | Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development (child-encyclopedia.com) (2013)

Personally, any male I had interaction with in my childhood behaved “stereotypically” in the rural western prairies, that did not help me develop any sense of male gender identity, in the least.

See: HIV, Gay Marriage, and the Crisis in Male Homosexuality | Joseph Sciambra (2017)

From 36:00 see: (1) From Gay Porn to God: My Conversation with Philipp Tanzer - YouTube (2023) and What is natural law? (aleteia.org) (2021)

See: Gay Male Pornography and Sexual Violence: A Sex Equality Perspective on Gay Male Rape and Partner Abuse - McGill Law Journal, (2004) pp. 919-21.

Although I do not agree with the premise, nor the assertions and conclusion of the paper, it reveals the extent to which sexual violence and rape are commonly accepted amongst sexually active homosexual men.

See ‘Section F’: Outline of Catholic Church Teaching On Sexual Ethics | EWTN (2023).

The enemy of our souls deceives and destroys all that is innocent and beautiful, most particularly children, only to wound the heart of God who loves us. See: The Fight Against Worldwide Child Slavery & the Sex Trade | Jim Caviezel and Tim Ballard | EP 372 - YouTube (2023); Matthew 12:22-45 ESV - Blasphemy Against the Holy Spirit - Bible Gateway (2023) and Romans 1 GNT - From Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus - Bible Gateway (2023)

As regards “gay for pay,” respectfully, please see the account of 21 year old Brandon J. Chrisan (stage name ‘Kyle Dean’)’s final hours ‘(1) Brandon a few hours b4 he passed away – YouTube’ (2018) and questions around his death: ‘What Was Kyle Dean's Cause of Death? Gay Porn Star Dead at 21’ (newsweek.com) (2018)

See: The Ugly Truth About Gay Male Sex | Joseph Sciambra (2017)

See: BDSM and kink don’t belong in Pride celebrations. This is why | The Independent (2021)

“Straight men having gay sex…” See: Sexual Disorientation of Male Sexual Abuse Survivors | Psychology Today (2017)

2 Corinthians 5:17 NRSVACE - So if anyone is in Christ, there is a - Bible Gateway (2023) and Philippians 1:21 NIV - For to me, to live is Christ and to die - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Conversion Therapy in Alberta and What We Can Do About It | by Pam Rocker | Medium (2019)

See: "Ex-Gays": The Big Threat to the LGBT Movement (hli.org) (2020)

See: Confessions of a Former Prolapsed Catholic | Joseph Sciambra (2020)

‘Lust’ defined, see: Catechism of the Catholic Church - Paragraph # 2351 (scborromeo.org) (1993)

Romans 1:28 NRSVACE - And since they did not see fit to - Bible Gateway (2023) See also: Sexually Transmitted Diseases of the Colon, Rectum, and Anus: Sexually Transmitted Parasitic Diseases - PMC (nih.gov) – At ‘Summary’ section: “Sexual activity can be a method of transmission for several important parasitic diseases, including amebiasis and giardiasis. Oral-anal and oral-genital contact predispose male homosexuals to infections with these enteric pathogens. Both of these organisms may cause acute and chronic illnesses as well as other abdominal symptoms. Most gay men with amebiasis are asymptomatic. Both diseases can frequently be diagnosed on routine stool examination, and multiple treatment regimens exist for both.” (2004)

See: Four Types of Love - Official Site | CSLewis.com (2020)

See: Five Key Features of the Theology of the Body (catholiceducation.org) (2006)

See: What you don't know about anal sex. A gastroenterologist explains. (kevinmd.com) (2016)

See: LGB people 'more likely to have mental health issues' - BBC News (2021)

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 NIV - Or do you not know that wrongdoers will - Bible Gateway. See also: Return From the Abyss of Homosexual Pornography| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2015)

See: Evolution of the syphilis epidemic among men who have sex with men - PubMed (nih.gov) (2015) and Anal sex linked to increased risk of incontinence | Reuters (2016)

See: Saint Thomas Aquinas and his contribution to philosophy and theology | Britannica (1998)

See: To Will the Good of the Other - Word on Fire (2016)

“Gay male couples tend to approach sex differently. We all know that gay male couples are much more likely to entertain the idea of, or even be in, a non-monogamous relationship. Part of this is cultural and historical; part of this is the nature of men’s sexuality in general (hey, truth be told, MANY more straight men would be non-monogamous if given the opportunity by their wives, as I have learned from working with straight men in my practice, and some (just like gay men) take that prerogative even if it’s directly violating a monogamy agreement). Gay men are much more likely, in general, to only “not” be appalled at the idea of another person (man) having sex with their partner/spouse, but to be turned on by it.” From: Gay Men’s Relationships: 10 Ways They Differ From Straight Relationships | HuffPost Voices (2016)

See: The Health Risks of Gay Sex (catholiceducation.org) (2002)

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See: In the Midst of Sorrow and Squalor – There is Still a Human Being | Joseph Sciambra (2017)

See:What science tells us about same-sex unions (catholiceducation.org) (2004); and (Starting at 23:00) Gays, Greeks, and Christianity: My Conversation with Fr. George Aquaro | Joseph Sciambra (2023)

See: Health issues for gay men and other men who have sex with men - Mayo Clinic (2023); Sexual orientation and complete mental health (statcan.gc.ca) (2019); Depression and Suicidality in Gay Men: Implications for Health Care Providers - PMC (nih.gov) (2017)

Respectfully, please see: Gay Porn's Erik Rhodes Is Dead After Slowly Dying in Public for Years (gawker.com) (2012)

It has been suggested to me that gay porn ‘models’ are outliers, as regards the ‘average gay male’ who simply wants a stable, long term, monogamous marriage to another man, and maybe some kids along the way. I hope that this apologia provides some insight into how average the young men led into the gay porn industry are, besides their extraordinarily good looks, financial need, and difficult personal circumstances. See: Yep, Gay Porn Is Important, and Here Are 4 Things This Professor Learned From Studying It | Hornet, the Queer Social Network (2021) and (1) Circus of Books | Official Trailer | Netflix - YouTube (2020)

See: Homosexual Porn Conflicts in Youth: Parental Responses (catholiceducation.org) (2014)

See: Childhood Trauma, Homosexuality, and the Prison of the Mind | Joseph Sciambra (2020 and

Starting at 10:30: (1) The Cowboy Hávamál - YouTube (2017)

See: Anxiety and Depression Associated with Anal Sexual Practices among HIV-Negative Men Who Have Sex with Men in Western China - PubMed (nih.gov) (2020); Sexual Positioning Among Men Who Have Sex With Men: A Narrative Review - PubMed (nih.gov) (2017); and Latent Classes of Sexual Positioning Practices and Sexual Risk Among Men Who Have Sex with Men in Paris, France - PubMed (nih.gov) (2018)

See: American scientist: gays die younger than smokers (thepinknews.com) (2007)

See: Men | Gender | HIV by Group | HIV/AIDS | CDC (2022)

See: Health Risks of the Homosexual Lifestyle (catholiceducation.org) (2004)

See: Monkeypox: public health advice for gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men (2022); Public health advice for gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men on the recent outbreak of monkeypox (2023); Sexually Transmitted Diseases Among Gay and Bisexual Men | CDC (2022);

See: Surviving Gay…Barely | Joseph Sciambra (2017); Does homosexual activity shorten life? - PubMed (nih.gov) (1998); Social, Economic, and Health Disparities Among LGBT Older Adults - PMC (nih.gov) (2016); Active Homosexuality Is Not a Healthy Lifestyle (hli.org) (2020) and Health issues for gay men and other men who have sex with men - Mayo Clinic (2023)

See: Gay Marriage: It’s Not About Being Gay, or About Marriage – It’s About Fathers and Sons | Joseph Sciambra (2015)

“A British survey of gay men found that 50 percent of those who experienced depression had contemplated suicide; 24 percent had already attempted to take their own lives. Of the 600 men who responded to the survey, 70 percent cited low self-esteem as the main reason for their depression, followed by relationship problems, isolation, and not feeling attractive. Twenty-seven percent said homophobic bullying was the main reason for their depression.” From: Depression Is Killing Gay Men | Psychology Today (2018) and Lesbian, “gay,” bisexual Canadians report higher rates of mental health illness. | Joseph Sciambra (2016)

See: Age Differences in Gay Couples | Psychology Today Canada (2020)

See: Some older gay men date younger partners – but the reasons are more complex than you think | The Independent | The Independent (2020)

Respectfully, please see: Falcon Studios star Roman Heart dead at 33 - Queerty (2020); ‘Writer Says Most Are Missing the Big Picture on Death of Erik Rhodes (advocate.com) (2012); and Solzhenitsyn and Sciambra | Fr. Dwight Longenecker (2020)

See: The Building Blocks of Homosexuality — Reconciliation ministries (recmin.org) (2019)

See: “Couples that play together stay together:” My moments of “monogamy” as a gay man and the impossibility of a world without women. | Joseph Sciambra (2015) and Respectfully, please see: Erik Rhodes’s Death Was Early but Perhaps Not Surprising - The New York Times (archive.org) (2012)

See: For Gay Men: There is Always Desolation Before Being in the Midst of Rejoicing | Joseph Sciambra (2014) and Size Matters: Penis Size and Sexual Position in Gay Porn Profiles - PubMed (nih.gov) (2017)

See: Penis Size and Preferred Sexual Roles Among Gay Men | Psychology Today Canada (2011); Physical, Behavioral, and Psychological Traits of Gay Men Identifying as Bears - PMC (nih.gov) (2013); People who are gay, lesbian or bi have more mental health and substance use problems, survey finds | CNN (2023)

“Although the most obvious example of separating conjugal love from the transmission of life is contraception, a separation of sexuality from life also occurs in homosexual acts which by their very nature are between two people who lack sexual complementarity. Therefore, the Catechism could have also said as a corollary in relation to homosexuality that we cannot separate the notion of complementary sexual natures from sexuality without altering our spiritual life.” From: Same-sex attraction and life-giving complementarity (catholicnewsagency.com) (2012). See also: The Marriage Covenant (catholiceducation.org) (2003) and 4 Ways intimacy as a Catholic couple is the best -- Aleteia (2019)

See: 25 Bible Verses about Homosexuality - What Does Scripture Say? (biblestudytools.com) (2023) and BibleGateway - Keyword Search: sex (2023)

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See: Forged in Fire: A Homage to Blue-Collar Masculinity | Joseph Sciambra (2020)

According to lesbian feminist academic and social critic Camille Paglia, “A woman simply is, but a man must become. Masculinity is risky and elusive. It is achieved by a revolt from woman, and is confirmed only by other men.” Camille Paglia p. 82 - Sex, Art and American Culture : New Essays (1992)

Further, Paglia proposes that, “Because boys lack a biological marker like menstruation, to be man is to be not female. Contemporary feminism called this "misogyny," but it was wrong. Masculine identity is embattled and fragile. In the absence of opportunity for heroic physical action, as in the modern office world, women's goodwill is crucial for preserving the male ego, which requires, alas, daily maintenance. It is in the best interests of the human race, and of women themselves, for men to be strong.” p. 85 - Vamps and Tramps (1994) - "No Law in the Arena: A Pagan Theory of Sexuality." (1994)

However, former gay porn performer Philipp Tanzer challenges her hypothesis, see: (1) From Gay Porn to God: My Conversation with Philipp Tanzer - YouTube (2023)

See: Gay Porn's Bareback Momentum - PubMed (nih.gov) (2020)

See: Simplicity and Peace: Surviving Sex, Porn, and Fap Addictions | Joseph Sciambra (2020)

On the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons – Vatican: Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons (vatican.va) (1986). See also: Michael Lost and Found documentary 1/1 - YouTube (2017)

Daniel 3:8-25 ESV - The Fiery Furnace - Therefore at that - Bible Gateway (2023). See also: Finding Faith in the Flames: How two young priests inspired me to not abandon God | Joseph Sciambra (2017)

Sirach 6:14-17 NRSVCE - Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter: - Bible Gateway (2023)

The aforementioned performer Ethan C. Ewers (Trevor Laster) died by suicide at the age of 32, in April 2023. His final Twitter (now Elon Musk’s renamed ‘X’ platform) post shows an image of him with his uncle in Texas with the caption, “My uncle is the best stand-in-dad I could ask for.” Absent fathers are a common factor in the lives of many of these dead young men.

Respectfully, please see: Sean Cody Adult Film Star Randy Dead at 33 (advocate.com) (2023)

Respectfully, please see Gay Adult Performer Shawn Wolfe Dead at 35 (out.com) (2023)

See: Sexual pleasure and intimacy among men who engage in "bareback sex" - PubMed (nih.gov) (2011)

John 6 NIV - Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand - Some - Bible Gateway (2023)

Luke 7:36-50 ESV - A Sinful Woman Forgiven - One of the - Bible Gateway (2023)

See saints Teresa of Ávila and John of the Cross (16th century): The Spiritual Canticle poem - St John of the Cross (best-poems.net) (2015) and Mystical Marriage | Catholic Answers (2023)

Jesus said, “… Remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 NRSVACE - and teaching them to obey everything - Bible Gateway (2023)

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See: Partnership agreements less likely among young gay and bisexual men in Australia - data from a national online survey of gay and bisexual men's relationships - PubMed (nih.gov) (2017)

See: The contribution of steady and casual partnerships to the incidence of HIV infection among homosexual men in Amsterdam - PubMed (nih.gov) (2003)

See: The Meaning of Love (catholiceducation.org) (2002)

The Meaning of 'Regular Partner' in HIV Research Among Gay and Bisexual Men: Implications of an Australian Cross-Sectional Survey - PubMed (nih.gov) (2016)

See: I Was The Other Man: An Insiders Look At Why Gay Marriage Will Never Work | Joseph Sciambra (2015)

See: The End of the Rainbow: When sex, porn, and “gay” become increasingly pointless and shallow… | Joseph Sciambra (2016)

See: The Influence of Physical Body Traits and Masculinity on Anal Sex Roles in Gay and Bisexual Men - PMC (nih.gov) (2011)

A practicing homosexual commentator writes, “The assumption by society at large is that a submissive [gay] sexual partner is somehow inferior or is often associated with femininity, and this can be quite damaging to the self-esteem of a bottom.” From: Here's why gay men need to appreciate 'the bottoms' more | Metro News (2018).

NOTE: The terms ‘dominant,’ ‘dominance,’ and related vocabulary, are used frequently in the discussion of gay sexual relations by MSM’s within the gay subculture. This type of language, and all that it infers about gay relationships, elucidates a great deal regarding the psychological and emotional dynamics of homosexual behaviour. -- Respectfully, please see the following early interview with now deceased gay porn ‘model’ Ethan Christopher Ewers (who died in April 2023 by suicide, 32 years of age -- May he rest in God, his loving Father’s, arms). Ethan states that he was 18 when he entered the gay porn industry and was 20 in this interview. Ethan was known by the stage name – ‘Trevor Laster’ - NDS Interview – YouTube’ (2012). See: Anal Intercourse and Power in Sex Between Men | Semantic Scholar (2001) and Gay men discriminate against feminine gay men, new study finds - The University of Sydney (2023)

“As Miller explains, there are outside forces that, dating back to the ancient Greeks, have prevented gay men from truly digging into what sexual behaviors we might actually enjoy. “What I mean by that,” he says, “is that cultural forces within the gay community prize topping over bottoming.” -- The ongoing fetishization of masculinity means that the traditionally submissive role of the bottom is associated with effeminacy. “With bottoming there is the perception that you're giving up your masculinity because receiving a penis is something that women do,” Miller adds.” From: How to Know If You’re a Top or a Bottom | GQ (2018) – Gender identity plays a large part in the development of an individual’s sexuality. In fact, A Descriptive Dictionary and Atlas of Sexology defines gender as “the internalised sense of being male, female, or having an ambivalent sexual status; the self-awareness of knowing to which sex one belongs.” A Descriptive Dictionary and Atlas of Sexology, R.T. Francoeur, ed. 1991. P. 241. From: www.siecus.org/pubs/biblio/bibs0006.html (1991)

Respectfully, please see the following article about deceased gay porn ‘model’ Brandon Jason Chrisan (21 years old), known by the stage name ‘Kyle Dean.’ The following article refers to how roles in gay sexual relations can potentially affect self-esteem and mental health for MSM’s: ‘ Kyle Dean Murdered?. The gay-for-pay porn star died under… | by Edward Anderson | The Bad Influence | Medium ’ (2019). See also: Recent Deaths Rock the Gay Porn Industry | Coupons.xxx (2019)

See: Raising Little Boys - Focus on the Family (2023)

See: A Strong Place for Boys to Grow Up as Men - Focus on the Family (2022)

See: The Rise of the Catholic Layman, Husband, and Father in 2018 | Joseph Sciambra (2019)

See: Building Healthy Friendships Among Men - Focus on the Family (2022)

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See: Psychological and neuroendocrinological sequelae of early social deprivation in institutionalized children in Romania - PubMed (nih.gov) (1997) and Babies Need to be Touched and Nurtured | Bible.org (1998). See also: The Power of Touch | The New Yorker (2015) and John 13:23 NIV - One of them, the disciple whom Jesus - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: The Meaning of Catholic marriage (catholicnewsagency.com) (1991) and Matthew 12:46-50: Matthew 12 NIV - Jesus Is Lord of the Sabbath - At that - Bible Gateway (2023)

“There is something truly evil and truly vile about millions of men spending millions of hours in a state of sexual excitement over doomed performers who will destroy their lives in the few years they spend in the porn industry. Carnality leading to carnage.” From: Many porn stars viewed online are actually dead and buried…their ‘work’ killed them (thebridgehead.ca) (2019)

See: We need to talk about how Grindr is affecting gay men’s mental health - Vox (2018)

See: Poverty, Dropouts, Pregnancy, Suicide: What The Numbers Say About Fatherless Kids : NPR Ed : NPR (2017)

I did not want to fall into the world of gay men, and gay sex, for all of the reasons referenced in this apologia.

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“If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.” 1 Corinthians 15 NIV - The Resurrection of Christ - Now, - Bible Gateway (2023)

All well known publicly gay figures who committed suicide. Respectfully, please see also: The Tragic Story of Gay Porn Star Joey Stefano | G Philly (phillymag.com) (2013) and Adult Industry's Gay Performer Alex Riley's Cause of Death at 22 (usdaynews.com) (2021)

See: Drugs, depression, weight gain: George Michael's tough final years (thenewdaily.com.au) (2016)

See: Why did Boy George go to prison? | The Sun (2022)

See: Canadian health authorities admit gay sex dangerous, blood-donors must be abstinent 5 years - LifeSite (lifesitenews.com) (2013) and Canadian Blood Services to end blood ban for men who have sex with men | CBC News (2022)

See: Catechism of the Catholic Church - Paragraph # 2358 (scborromeo.org) (1993)

See for example: Syphilis among gay, bisexual, two-spirit and other men who have sex with men: A resource for population-specific prevention - Canada.ca (2015) and The Bottom Line: Why Gay Men Need to Talk About Anal Cancer - Philadelphia Gay News (epgn.com) (2023)

See: The Spiritual Canticle poem - St John of the Cross (best-poems.net) (1578)

Song of Songs 1 NIV - Solomon’s Song of Songs. She Let him - Bible Gateway (2023)

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2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV - But he said to me, “My grace is - Bible Gateway (2023)

Romans 11:33-12:2 NIV - Doxology - Oh, the depth of the riches - Bible Gateway (2023)

John 10 NIV - The Good Shepherd and His Sheep - Bible Gateway (2023)

Galatians 4 NIV - What I am saying is that as long as an - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Strong's Greek: 266. ἁμαρτία (hamartia) -- a sin, failure (biblehub.com) (2023)

The Desert Fathers counsel us to pick up and try again, no matter how often, or how far, we fall. God’s grace is enough for you. See: 2 Corinthians 12 NIV - Paul’s Vision and His Thorn - I must - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 16:24-26 NIV - Then Jesus said to his disciples, - Bible Gateway (2023)

John 14 ESV - I Am the Way, and the Truth, and the - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 6 ESV - Giving to the Needy - “Beware of - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Psychopathy | Psychology Today (2023)

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See: Proverbs 7 NIV - Warning Against the Adulterous Woman - Bible Gateway (2023)

Paraphrased from C. Doherty’s book: Poustinia: Encountering God in Silence, Solitude and Prayer (Madonna House Classics Vol.1) Paperback – Dec 1 2000. (2000)

Anti-‘Conversion Therapy’ “Bill C-6 contains broad and overreaching language with no explicit exceptions that would protect freedom of conscience, religion, or expression as guaranteed by section 2 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. There remains, then, a wide and very disconcerting ambiguity and a lack of clarity and transparency between the explanation of the Bill’s apparent scope in the Department of Justice’s official news release and what lawful activity might become prosecutable in a criminal court based on the actual and ambiguous wording of the Bill if it passes into law.” - Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops 2020. See: Statement by the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops on Bill C-6, ‘An Act to Amend the Criminal Code (conversion therapy)’ LINK - (cccb.ca) (2020) and You searched for conversion | Justice Centre for Constitutional Freedoms (jccf.ca) (2021)

See: Identity in Christ: More Than Just Gay | Fr. Mike Schmitz - YouTube (2023) and How to Talk About Homosexuality in the Church w/ Fr. Mike Schmitz and Dr. Scott Hahn - YouTube (2022)

See: Homosexuality, Gay Marriage, and Holiness - YouTube (2018)

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See: Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms (canada.ca) (1981)

See Abstract: The compulsion to repeat the trauma. Re-enactment, revictimization, and masochism - PubMed (nih.gov) (1989), and full-text at file://C:\Documents and Settings\kdcorsini\Desktop\Personal Cou (restoringthemosaic.ca) (1989)

Bill Maher – See: New Rule: Along for the Pride | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO) - YouTube (2022)

See: (1) Gender Theory vs. TRUTH with Jason Evert | Chris Stefanick Show - YouTube (2022)

See: Pope Francis, in Budapest, denounces ‘gender theory’ and abortion, calls for pro-family policies | News Headlines | Catholic Culture (2023)

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Respectfully, please see: Canadian porn star murdered in Costa Rican gay-for-pay scam: Report | Toronto Sun (2021)

Respectfully, please see, Joey Stefano - Wikipedia (2021)

Respectfully, please see, Steven D. Ates Obituary - Visitation & Funeral Information (bernafuneralhomes.com) (2021) and Obituary information for Joshua Ray Gower (mcnuttfuneralhome.com) (2021). May they rest in Our Father’s loving arms. Amen.

See: Suscipe | Loyola Press (2023)

Deuteronomy 30:19 NRSVACE - I call heaven and earth to witness - Bible Gateway – Choose life.

See also: (2) The Cowboy Hávamál - YouTube (2017) at 10:30.

Luke 9:23 NRSVACE - Then he said to them all, ‘If any - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Mother Teresa on Redemptive Suffering (aleteia.org) (2013)

See: What is the point of Pride? Douglas Murray & Julie Bindel – The View from 22 | Spectator TV - YouTube (2023).

See: What is sacred tradition, and why is it important? - Diocese of Lake Charles (lcdiocese.org) (2001) and The Orthodox Faith - Volume I - Doctrine and Scripture - Sources of Christian Doctrine - Tradition - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2023)

Genesis 7 NIV - The LORD then said to Noah, “Go into - Bible Gateway (2023)

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See: Eroticizing Desperation: Poverty Gay-for-Pay Porn | SpringerLink (2021) and

Straight Men Who Have Sex With Other Men: In Their Own Words | Psychology Today (2015)

Brandon Ambrosino writes, “Thinking back to my college romances with women and men, I can begin to understand how my own experiences might have helped me to ‘cultivate’ my desire for homosexuality.” See: ‘I am gay – but I wasn’t born this way’ - BBC Future (2016)

James 1:13-15 NIV - When tempted, no one should say, “God - Bible Gateway (2023)

Respectfully, please see: ‘ Gay adult film performer Eric Hazen, a.k.a. Tyler Roberts, dead at 34 ’ (msn.com) (2022). See also: Performance-enhancing drugs: Know the risks - Mayo Clinic (2023) and

Gay Serial Killer Suspect's Estate Turns Up Two More DNA Samples (advocate.com) (2023)

See: Going Bareback: Time and Aging in a Gay-for-Pay Porn Career - PubMed (nih.gov) (2021)

See: Evangelium Vitae (25 March 1995) | John Paul II (vatican.va) (1995)

See: Mark Latunski, Cannibal Killer Who Met Victim on Grindr, to Spend Life in Prison – Rolling Stone (2022) and Stephen Port: Who is the 'Grindr killer' - and were opportunities missed to stop him sooner? | UK News | Sky News (2021)

See: STD Facts - Syphilis & MSM (cdc.gov) (2023); Persistence of monkeypox virus at oral and rectal sites - The Lancet Microbe (2023); 'Gay bowel syndrome': relic or real (and returning) phenomenon? - PubMed (nih.gov) (2014), Sexually transmitted diseases syndromic approach: proctitis - PubMed (nih.gov) (2012) and The gay bowel syndrome: a common problem of homosexual patients in the emergency department - PubMed (nih.gov) (1980)

See: Sexual health - Canada.ca (2023), Gay men are two times more likely to have inflammatory bowel disease, according to new research (medicalxpress.com) (2022) and Can anal sex have any long term effects on my body? (plannedparenthood.org) (2020)

See: Anonymous sex and HIV risk practices among men using the Internet specifically to find male partners for unprotected sex - PMC (nih.gov) (2012)

Note the language of ‘dominance’ used in the Introduction and Discussion sections of the following research paper: The Influence of Physical Body Traits and Masculinity on Anal Sex Roles in Gay and Bisexual Men - PMC (nih.gov) (2011)

Romans 1:26-32 NRSVACE - For this reason God gave them up to - Bible Gateway (2023)

I hypothesize that cannibalizing one’s gay sex partners is a psychopathologized form of gay fetish turned murderous. See: Grindr 'cannibal', 19, who lured gay men on app wanted body parts as 'mementos and food' | Daily Mail Online (2021); KGOV's List of Gay Mass Murderers | KGOV.com (2019); Luka Rocco Magnotta: 'Cannibal' porn star in video eating parts of lover after murder | Daily Mail Online (2012); Europe’s Hypocritical History of Cannibalism | History| Smithsonian Magazine (2013).

Alternately, as evidenced in anthropological history, there appears to exist, deeply buried in the human psyche, the desire, need, or compulsion to possess ‘attributes’ of the dead by consuming their flesh, see: Embodiment, Ritual Incorporation, and Cannibalism Among the Iroquoians after 1300 c.e. on JSTOR (2008)

Leanne Payne calls this concept “cannibal compulsion.” See: The Building Blocks of Homosexuality — Reconciliation ministries (recmin.org) (2019)

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Jeremiah 18:4 RSVCE - And the vessel he was making of clay - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: The Prophetic Vision of Blessed Paul VI (catholiceducation.org) (2018) and Humanae Vitae (July 25, 1968) | Paul VI (vatican.va) (1968)

“Corrupting Morals” is a crime, however, it is reserved for the most heinous of crimes, see: What does ‘corrupting morals’ mean? - National | Globalnews.ca (2013)

Pertaining to ‘public opinion,’ see: (1) JORDAN PETERSON ON CANCEL CULTURE 🚫 #motivation #jordanpeterson #shorts - YouTube (2022)

See: The Invisible Male Victims of Sexual Abuse and Trauma (yorku.ca) (2019); Child neglect is also defined as abuse. See: Definitions of Child Abuse and Neglect - Canadian Red Cross (2023); and Does Maltreatment in Childhood Affect Sexual Orientation in Adulthood? - PMC (nih.gov) (2012)

Childhood sexual abuse among homosexual men. Prevalence and association with unsafe sex - PubMed (nih.gov) (1997)

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Many lesbians were also sexually abused as children, but I do not know their stories as well as I know the background stories of same-sex-attracted men. See: Does Maltreatment in Childhood Affect Sexual Orientation in Adulthood? - PMC (nih.gov) (2012) and Homosexuality and Child Sexual Abuse - Lantern Project (2002)

Most male victims of sexual violence are under the age of 18, see: Male victims of sexual abuse and domestic violence: A steadily increasing phenomenon - PubMed (nih.gov) (2021) and Intimate Partner Violence, Sexual Violence, and Stalking Among Men |Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC (2020)

How LGBTQ+ Activists Got “Homosexuality” out of the DSM - JSTOR Daily (2021)

History of the APA on Homosexuality (hli.org) (2020)

New poll shows vast majority of Canadians support the right of adults to get the sexual counseling of their choice, counseling likely banned by “conversion therapy” legislation | Justice Centre for Constitutional Freedoms (jccf.ca) (2021)

A play on words, as Christians are commonly accused of trying to, “Pray the gay away.”

See: Calgary warned that proposed “conversion therapy” ban violates constitutional rights | Justice Centre for Constitutional Freedoms (jccf.ca) (2020)

Ancient Greek Sculpture - World History Encyclopedia (2018)

Joshua 1:5-9 NRSVACE - No one shall be able to stand against - Bible Gateway (2023). See also the powerful 2011 film ‘Warrior’ starring Tom Hardy and Joel Edgerton about the healing of relationships between two brothers and their father: Warrior (2011) Movie Trailer HD - YouTube (2011)

See: 2 Samuel 1 GNT - David Learns of Saul's Death - Bible Gateway (2023)

1 Samuel 18 esv - David and Jonathan's Friendship - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Catechism of the Catholic Church - PART 3 SECTION 2 CHAPTER 1 ARTICLE 1 (scborromeo.org) (1997)

“Temple prostitutes: Some Canaanites worshiped by going to their temples and having sex with prostitutes that represented their gods.” See: Deuteronomy 23:17-19 CEV - Temple Prostitutes -Moses said: - Bible Gateway (2023)

Leviticus 18:22,Leviticus 20:13 NIV - “‘Do not have sexual relations with - Bible Gateway (2023)

The psychological parallels in today’s gay subculture seem to also exist and persist. See: Here's why gay men need to appreciate 'the bottoms' more | Metro News (2018)

See: Homosexuality | Catholic Answers (2004)

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See: St John Chrysostom: Prayer is the light of the soul (vatican.va) (2023) and St. John Chrysostom (catholicnewsagency.com) (2023)

Exodus 34:14 NIV - Do not worship any other god, for the - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: On the Psychogenesis of Homosexuality - PMC (nih.gov) (2011)

See: Jeffrey's Story: Ex-Transgender with Regret - YouTube (2019)

See: Do You Fall in Love Too Quickly? | Psychology Today (2021)

See: Arvo Pärt: Cantus in memoriam Benjamin Britten - YouTube (2020)

Colossians 3:1-11 NIV - Living as Those Made Alive in Christ - Bible Gateway (2023)

2 Timothy 4:7-8 NIV - I have fought the good fight, I have - Bible Gateway (2023)

Philippians 1:12-26 NIV - Paul’s Chains Advance the Gospel - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 11:28-30 NRSVACE - ‘Come to me, all you that are weary - Bible Gateway (2023)

Exodus 15:2-4 GNT - The LORD is my strong defender; he is - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 6:9-13 ESV - Pray then like this: “Our Father in - Bible Gateway (2023)

Isaiah 46:4-6 GNT - I am your God and will take care of you - Bible Gateway (2023) and Luke 4:1-13 NIV - Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: WHAT IS THEOLOGY OF THE BODY? | Why God Gave Us Bodies | Christopher West - YouTube (2020)

See: Understanding Male Socialization, Stigma, and Reactions to Sexual Violence | National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) (2020)

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True love defined - ROMAN CATHOLIC DIOCESE OF CALGARY (catholicyyc.ca) (2019)

The question of ‘who is dominant’ will always remain present in the homosexual act. See: How to Know If You’re a Top or a Bottom | GQ (2018)

On Gay Jealousy | Psychology Today (2010)

Leviticus 18:22 NLT;KJV - “Do not practice homosexuality, - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Library : The Canons of Friendship | Catholic Culture (2006)

See: Sts Basil and Gregory, Two Bodies One Spirit - Gregory Nazianzen - Crossroads Initiative (2018)

John 3:30 ESV - He must increase, but I must - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Negotiating gay men's relationships: how are monogamy and non-monogamy experienced and practised over time? - PubMed (nih.gov) (2017)

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James 1:27 NRSVACE - Religion that is pure and undefiled - Bible Gateway (2023)

The following article states that the ‘average’ number of partners that gay men have sexual encounters with is ‘in the 100’s’, see: Homosexuality: A Queer Problem | Psychology Today (2010)

See: 'Monogamish': Two Is Company, but Is Three Really a Crowd? | HuffPost Voices (2013)

John 10:10 NIV - The thief comes only to steal and kill - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: The Story of the Real Canary in the Coal Mine | Smart News| Smithsonian Magazine (2016)

See: (1) The Catholic Guide to Pride Month | Kim Zember - YouTube (2023)

2 Thessalonians 2 NRSVACE - The Man of Lawlessness - As to the - Bible Gateway (2023)

Galatians 5:22-23 NRSVACE - The Fruit of the Spirit - By contrast, - Bible Gateway (2023) and Luke 6 NIV - Jesus Is Lord of the Sabbath - One - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: (1) Chilling Warning To HERETICS! 🔥 #shorts - YouTube (2023)

My thinking at the time was a misunderstanding of the Roman Catholic Church’s actual teaching, see: Catechism of the Catholic Church - PART 1 SECTION 2 CHAPTER 3 ARTICLE 9 PARAGRAPH 3 (scborromeo.org) (1994)

See: Catholic Church abuse: Canada’s dark history and how to move forward - National | Globalnews.ca (2019)

Isaiah 49:15 NIV - “Can a mother forget the baby at her - Bible Gateway (2023)

John 18:38 NIV - “What is truth?” retorted Pilate. - Bible Gateway (2023)

Respectfully, please see New Eyes on a Gay Actor’s West Hollywood Murder | by C.S. Voll | CrimeBeat | Medium (2023) and William Arnold Newton - Wikipedia (2010)

Hebrews 13 NRSVACE - Service Well-Pleasing to God - Let - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: New Jerusalem Bible – Books of the Bible - Bible - Catholic Online (1985) and Catechism of the Catholic Church | St. Charles Borromeo Catholic Church Picayune MS | Picayune, MS (scborromeo2.org) or Catechism of the Catholic Church (vatican.va) (1993)

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“Homosexual sex acts, even between people who could never consummate a marriage and who wish, at the time, to be committed to each other in a lifelong friendship, can never be marital. To judge them morally acceptable – to condone them – is opposed to the good of marriage, a basic human good. So they cannot reasonably be judged morally acceptable.

The relationship of same-sex couples can never be marriage. The easiest way to see this is to ask oneself why same-sex sex acts should be restricted to couples rather than three-somes, four-somes, etc., or rather than couples or other groups whose membership rotates at agreed intervals. Nothing in the gay ideology can, or even seriously tries, to explain or defend the exclusiveness or permanence of same-sex partnerships or their limitation to couples. The practice and experience of homosexual relationships is dramatic confirmation that, once one departs from the institution of marriage as a committed, exclusive and permanent sexual relationship between a woman and a man, there are no solid grounds for making one’s sexual relationships even imitate real marriage. As careful large-scale studies have shown, and “anecdotal” historical testimony amply confirms, there are practically no homosexual couples, even long-term couples, to whom. sexual exclusivity as a principle, and real mutual commitment to it in practice, make any sense.[24]” From: What the Church teaches about homosexual inclinations (catholicnewsagency.com) (2001)

Respectfully, please see Matthew Edison Bremer Obituary - Palm Bay, FL (dignitymemorial.com) (2012) and Central Florida model, performer found dead - Watermark Online (2012). See also: ‘A Male Porn Star Discovers Leaving Porn Is Harder Than You'd Think (forbes.com) (2017) and Why Gay Porn Stars Keep Dying (vice.com) (2016)

See: The Staggering Complexity of the Human Brain | Psychology Today (2023)

See: Archbishop Naumann responds to Cardinal McElroy: ‘Radical inclusion’ can’t supersede Catholic doctrine | Catholic News Agency (2023)

See: The Homosexual Christian - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2012). See also: “... All people can benefit by questioning the underpinnings of marriage and experimenting with its structure.” From: A Guide for Gay Men on Both Open and Monogamous Marriage | Psychology Today (2017)

“A substantial number of same-sex male couples have arrangements that are outside of traditional [heterosexual] conventions of monogamy. Of the partnered men in the sample, 42.2% were either in open or monogam-ish relationships.” See: ‘Discussion’ section in: Alternatives to Monogamy Among Gay Male Couples in a Community Survey: Implications for Mental Health and Sexual Risk - PMC (nih.gov) (2011) and Most Church of England priests back gay marriage, survey finds | Anglicanism | The Guardian (2023)

See: More Than Our Appetites | J. D. Flynn | First Things (2020) and The ‘Born Gay’ Myth: When Ideology Masquerades as Science| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2023)

“The Bible is the shared standard for our faith, but members are not required to adhere to any particular creed or formulation of doctrine.” – See: Faith and the Bible | The United Church of Canada (united-church.ca) (2023)

See: Science Proves Natural Law| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2014)

See: The Gospel and the Natural Law | Andrew T. Walker | First Things (2020)

Respectfully, please see ‘Casey Tanner passes away, 28 years of age’: XBIZ on X: "Retired Performer Casey Tanner Passes Away https://t.co/2VZgdeUmEe https://t.co/j71rm3NtvP" / X (twitter.com) (2023)

Matthew 16:23 NIV - Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get - Bible Gateway (2023) and Holy Father, Please Don’t Abandon Us - Crisis Magazine (2023)

1 Corinthians 3:11-20 NIV - For no one can lay any foundation other - Bible Gateway (2023) and

1 Peter 1:15-16 NIV - But just as he who called you is holy, - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 24:35 NIV - Heaven and earth will pass away, but my - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Evangelical church | Definition, History, Beliefs, Key Figures, & Facts | Britannica (1999)

See: Protestantism | Definition, Beliefs, History, & Facts | Britannica (2023) and Why Are Protestant, Catholic, and Orthodox Bibles Different? - Bible Gateway Blog (2022)

Quote: “The Bible is the shared standard for our faith, but members are not required to adhere to any particular creed or formulation of doctrine.” – United Church of Canada. See: Faith and the Bible | The United Church of Canada (united-church.ca) (2023)

See: Gafcon leaders — ‘with broken hearts’ — reject Archbishop of Canterbury as first among equals (churchtimes.co.uk) (2023)

See: ‘Canadian Lutheran Church splinters as it votes to allow same-sex ‘marriages’ - LifeSite (lifesitenews.com) (2011); and Justin Welby rejected as leader by conservative Anglicans over same-sex blessings - BBC News (2023); also Two Congregations Force LGBT Debate on Evangelical Covenan...... | News & Reporting | Christianity Today (2023)

See: What Comes After the Ex-Gay Movement? The Same Thing That Came Before. | Christianity Today (2021)

See: The Basics of Bible Interpretation - Bible Gateway Blog (2016) and The Orthodox Faith - Volume I - Doctrine and Scripture - The Bible - Interpretation - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2023)

See: If Contraception, Why Not Gay Marriage? - Crisis Magazine (2011)

See: How the Side B Project Failed | Bethel McGrew | First Things (2023)

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See: Private Judgment and the Rise of Relativism | Catholic Culture (2011)

See: Faith and the Bible | The United Church of Canada (united-church.ca) (2023)

See: Why does Christianity have so many denominations? | Live Science (2022)

“Find the Lord, find the saints of the times, but also find the not canonized, simple persons who are really in the heart of the Church.”— Pope Benedict XVI. See also: Joseph Ratzinger Faith Quotes and its their meanings (meaningin.com) (2023); Feasts & Saints - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2023) and Kakure Kirishitan (catholiceducation.org) (2000)

Including ‘Apostolic Succession,’ see: What do Catholics mean by apostolic succession? (aleteia.org) (2020) and The Orthodox Faith - Volume I - Doctrine and Scripture - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2023)

Regarding Sacred Tradition see: Catechism of the Catholic Church - IntraText (vatican.va) (2023) and ‘What is Sacred Tradition’ by Mark Shea: https://www.ncregister.com/blog/what-is-sacred-tradition (2011)

See: Dictionary : SUPERIOR, RELIGIOUS | Catholic Culture (2023)

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See: Dominican Mottos: Veritas - The Dominican Friars in Britain (op.org) (2007)

Catechism of the Catholic Church #2357-59 – See: Catechism of the Catholic Church - PART 3 SECTION 2 CHAPTER 2 ARTICLE 6 (scborromeo.org) (2019); and Catechism of the Catholic Church (usccb.org) (2019)

See: Male Victims – National Alliance to End Sexual Violence (2017)

See: Vulnerability and revictimization: Victim characteristics in a Dutch assault center - PubMed (nih.gov) (2017)

Although Kennedy in the following clip may be rather aggressively emotional, it is commendable that he opposes, in strong terms, attempts at ‘normalizing’ the sexualization of minors in schools today, see: (1) SHOCKING MOMENT: John Kennedy Reads Graphic Quotes From Childrens' Books At Senate Hearing - YouTube (2023)

The technical term for a man ‘transitionally’ ordained a deacon and ‘soon to be ordained’ a Roman Catholic priest. See: What is the difference between a transitional and a permanent deacon? (aleteia.org) (2021)

See: Portugal's Catholic bishops announce independent child sexual abuse commission | Reuters (2021)

See: Spanish Catholic bishops find evidence of 728 sexual abusers, 927 victims since 1945 - ABC News (go.com) (2023)

See: Now That Everyone Cares About Pederasty … - Crisis Magazine (2017)

See: Male Survivors - Sexual Violence Awareness -- Education, Prevention and Supports - Library and Academic Services at RRC Polytech (2022)

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See: Dei verbum (vatican.va) (1965)

Genesis 1 GNT - The Story of Creation - In the - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: “The Purpose of the Incarnation and Redemption”: On Benedict XVI in Loreto – Catholic World Report (2012)

“I realize better every day what grace our Lord has shown me in enabling me to understand the blessings of suffering so that I can peacefully endure the want of happiness in earthly things since they pass so quickly.” – St. Teresa of Avila, from: Wisdom from Teresa of Avila: The Blessings of Suffering| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2015)

See: St. Paul explains the meaning of suffering (catholicnewsagency.com) (2023)

See: On The Incarnation : Saint Athanasius : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive [4th century] (2023) and Crossing the Threshold of Hope (hismercy.ca) (1994)

See: Jesus in His Most Distressing Disguise - Word on Fire (2014) and Blessed Carlo Acutis Listed 32 Eucharistic Miracles — Here Are the Top 5| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2022) and Bl. Carlo Acutis: His life, his miracles and his legacy (aleteia.org) (2021)

See Joseph Sciambra’s extensive commentaries on life as a ‘gay’ man in San Francisco, who later became a Christian: Sons of St. Joseph (josephsciambra.com) (2023)

Matthew 12:22-45 ESV - Blasphemy Against the Holy Spirit - Bible Gateway (2023)

Hill Perry, Jackie. “Gay Girl, Good God: The story of who I was and who God has always been” Chapter 17 – ‘Same-sex attraction and the heterosexual gospel,’ p. 177. B&H Publishing Group, Nashville, TN. (2018)

1 John 4:7-12 ESV - God Is Love - Beloved, let us love one - Bible Gateway (2023) and Philippians 4:19 NRSVACE - And my God will fully satisfy every - Bible Gateway (2023)

“Does Job fear God for no reason?” Satan asks God. See: Job 1 ESV - Job's Character and Wealth - There - Bible Gateway (2023)

Isaiah 44:6-8 NRSVACE - Thus says the LORD, the King of Israel - Bible Gateway and John 6:35 NIV - Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: God speaks in the silence... | Inspirational Quote by Mother Teresa (relicsworld.com) (2023)

See: St. John Mary Vianney (catholicnewsagency.com) (2023)

See: Why Do We Pray? This Is Why…| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2021)

See: MOUNTED ICONS & LAMINATED PRINTS – Skete.com (2023)

Biography of the Forty Martyrs of Sebaste, see: Forty Martyrs - Encyclopedia Volume - Catholic Encyclopedia - Catholic Online (2022); and for one of the earliest extant icons of the 40 Martyrs, found in the ruins of Santa Maria Antiqua church in the Roman forum, Rome, see: Oratorio_dei_quaranta_martiri,_affreschi_sui_40_martiri_di_sebaste,_VIII-IX_secolo,_martirio_01.jpg (2304×3456) (wikimedia.org) (2016)

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See: St. Augustine: Confessions of Saint Augustine - Christian Classics Ethereal Library (ccel.org) (2023) and CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA: St. Augustine of Hippo (newadvent.org) (1907). See also: Homage to Brother Roger - Taizé (taize.fr) (2008) regarding Br. Roger of Taizé who, in my late teens, first pointed me to St. Augustine.

2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the - Bible Gateway (2023)

Hebrews 10:19-25 NIV - A Call to Persevere in Faith - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Mother Teresa’s Feast Day: 25 Quotes on Living Life Beautifully| National Catholic Register (ncregister.com) (2022)

John 14:1-12 NRSVACE - Jesus the Way to the Father - ‘Do not - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 1:18-25,Luke 1:26-38 NIV - Joseph Accepts Jesus as His Son - This - Bible Gateway (2023)

Luke 1 NRSVACE - Dedication to Theophilus - Since many - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 4 NRSVACE - The Temptation of Jesus - Then Jesus - Bible Gateway (2023)

Luke 4 NRSVACE - The Temptation of Jesus - Jesus, full - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Bl. Mother Teresa's Description of Jesus (catholicnewsagency.com) (2023)

Revelation 1 NIV - Prologue - The revelation from Jesus - Bible Gateway (2023) See also: Prayers of St. John of the Cross - Boston Carmel (carmelitesofboston.org) (2023)

See: The Power of Love In Saint John of the Cross – Carmelite Institute of North America (2023)

Matthew 19:14 NIV - Jesus said, “Let the little children - Bible Gateway (2023) and Matthew 25:40 NRSVACE - And the king will answer them, “Truly - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: The Impact of God: Matthew, Iain: 9780340612576: Books - Amazon.ca (1995)

1 Kings 18:25-29,Isaiah 16:12 NIV - Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, - Bible Gateway (2023) and Matthew 24:15-28 ESV - The Abomination of Desolation - “So - Bible Gateway (2023)

1 Kings 18 NRSVACE - Elijah’s Message to Ahab - After many - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: ROMANCE ON THE GOSPEL TEXT IN PRINCIPIO ERAT VERBUM, REGARDING THE BLESSED TRINITY (poesi.as), from The Collected Works of St. John of the Cross – ICS Publications (1991)

Ephesians 2:6 – “… And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” See: Ephesians 2 NIV - Made Alive in Christ - As for you, you - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: We Have Been Created to Love and Be Loved – Mother Teresa of Calcutta - Samoa Global News (2020)

Luke 12:16-21 NIV - And he told them this parable: “The - Bible Gateway (2023); Mark 6:14-29 NIV - John the Baptist Beheaded - King Herod - Bible Gateway (2023) and Psalm 146:3-7 NIV - Do not put your trust in princes, in - Bible Gateway (2023)

Matthew 13 NIV - The Parable of the Sower - That same - Bible Gateway (2023)

“The name of Jesus is at the heart of Christian prayer. All liturgical prayers conclude with the words "through our Lord Jesus Christ." The Hail Mary reaches its high point in the words "blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus." The Eastern prayer of the heart, the Jesus Prayer, says: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Many Christians, such as St. Joan of Arc, have died with the one word "Jesus" on their lips.” See: Catechism of the Catholic Church - Paragraph # 435 (scborromeo.org) (1994)

Adapted from the song ‘Childhood Dreams’ by artist Nelly Furtado. See: (3) Childhood Dreams - YouTube (2003). See also: Catechism of the Catholic Church - PART 1 SECTION 2 CHAPTER 2 ARTICLE 2 (scborromeo.org) (1994)

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See: Discernment: Consolation and Desolation | Loyola Press (2007) and/or The Discernment of Spirits: An Ignatian Guide for Everyday Living: Gallagher, Timothy M. OMV: 9780824522919: Books - Amazon.ca (2005)

See: Sexuality continues to change and develop wel | EurekAlert! (2019)

See: Gay Marriage: It’s Not About Being Gay, or About Marriage – It’s About Fathers and Sons | Joseph Sciambra (2015) and fathers | Joseph Sciambra (2023)

I had been assigned this counselor – at a Roman Catholic diocese funded resource centre, no less – because she was Greek Orthodox and I was, incorrectly, told that she could be trusted to understand the values upon which I built my life and convictions. See: Prevalence and stability of sexual orientation components during adolescence and young adulthood - PubMed (nih.gov) (2007) and Got Same-Sex Attraction? Things Can Change (str.org) (2013)

See: Welcome | Desert Stream Living Waters (2023)

Codependent relationships: Symptoms, warning signs, and behavior (medicalnewstoday.com) (2017) and 1 Corinthians 1:9 NRSVACE - God is faithful; by him you were called - Bible Gateway (2023)

John 21:20 NRSVACE - Jesus and the Beloved Disciple - Peter - Bible Gateway (2023)

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See: (3) Do I Have a Good Conscience? - YouTube (2019); Examination of conscience example,

see: (3) An Easy Way to Do a Daily Examen - YouTube (2019) and/or (3) A Guided Examination of Conscience - YouTube (2021).

Additionally, a resource regarding the sacrament of Confession/Reconciliation. See: (3) How to get Better at Confession? w/ Fr. Gregory Pine, O.P. - YouTube (2022)

1 Corinthians 10:13 NRSVACE - No testing has overtaken you that is - Bible Gateway (2023)

Male rape trauma, see: Male rape survivors suffer in silence. We need to help them talk | Owen Jones | The Guardian (2020)

From the research study ‘Abstract’: “Epidemiological studies find a positive association between physical and sexual abuse, neglect, and witnessing violence in childhood and same-sex sexuality in adulthood, but studies directly assessing the association between these diverse types of maltreatment and sexuality cannot disentangle the causal direction because the sequencing of maltreatment and emerging sexuality is difficult to ascertain. Nascent same-sex orientation may increase risk of maltreatment; alternatively, maltreatment may shape sexual orientation. Our study used instrumental variable models based on family characteristics that predict maltreatment but are not plausibly influenced by sexual orientation (e.g., having a stepparent) as natural experiments to investigate whether maltreatment might increase the likelihood of same-sex sexuality in a nationally representative sample (n = 34,653). In instrumental variable models, history of sexual abuse predicted increased prevalence of same-sex attraction by 2.0 percentage points (95% confidence interval [CI] = 1.4, 2.5), any same-sex partners by 1.4 percentage points (95% CI = 1.0, 1.9), and same-sex identity by 0.7 percentage points (95% CI = 0.4, 0.9). Effects of sexual abuse on men’s sexual orientation were substantially larger than on women’s. Effects of non-sexual maltreatment were significant only for men and women’s sexual identity and women’s same-sex partners. While point estimates suggest much of the association between maltreatment and sexual orientation may be due to the effects of maltreatment on sexual orientation, confidence intervals were wide. Our results suggest that causal relationships driving the association between sexual orientation and childhood abuse may be bidirectional, may differ by type of abuse, and may differ by sex. Better understanding of this potentially complex causal structure is critical to developing targeted strategies to reduce sexual orientation disparities in exposure to abuse.” See: Does Maltreatment in Childhood Affect Sexual Orientation in Adulthood? - PMC (nih.gov) (2012) and The impact of sexual abuse on sexual identity formation in gay men - PubMed (nih.gov) (2008)

See: Recommendations for Gay and Bisexual Men's Health | CDC (2022)

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 NKJV - Do you not know that the unrighteous - Bible Gateway (2023): “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God;” and 1 Timothy 1 NIV - Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the - Bible Gateway (2023): “We know that the law is good if one uses it properly. We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me.” See also: Genesis 19 NIV - Sodom and Gomorrah Destroyed - The two - Bible Gateway (2023); Leviticus 20:13 NLT - “If a man practices homosexuality, - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Can seduction make straight men gay? - PubMed (nih.gov) (1993)

See: Examining Greek Pederastic Relationships - Inquiries Journal (2010)

See: Historical Views of Homosexuality: Ancient Greece | Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Politics (2020)

See: Homosexuality according to ancient Greek physicians - PubMed (nih.gov) (2017)

See: Why Was There an Ancient Greek Kingdom in Afghanistan? | History Hit (2019)

Page 55

See: Dancing Boys - Afghan 'Dancing Boys' Tell Of Rape, Abuse (rferl.org) (2016); also Gay people are reclaiming an Islamic heritage (economist.com) (2021); A historical look at attitudes to homosexuality in the Islamic world | libcom.org (2016)

As I researched the deaths of young gay porn actors, several in their 20’s, I have taken note of the fact that many of their obituaries indicate that they were raised without a father, or without their biological father. See: The Consequences of Fatherlessness - National Center for Fathering (fathers.com) (2012); The Scourge of Fatherlessness and the Death of God | C2C Journal (2021) – Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganó, “If God is rejected as Father, there must no longer be paternity even in the natural order, because natural fatherhood is a mirror of divine paternity.”; The Causal Effects of Father Absence - PMC (nih.gov) (2013)

“The social order built on the sacred order (best known through the Church’s doctrine) provides the natural environment in which the sexuality of children is most likely to blossom normally and lead to sexual competence as adults. The less the social order is built on that sacred order, the more likely sexual dysfunction will flourish – and the more persons with homosexual attractions we will have amongst us. There is no need for a “gay gene” to explain a lot of this.” From: Research shows homosexuality more common among children of broken families | News Headlines | Catholic Culture (2010). For the complete article, see: Gay Gene or Broken Family? - The Catholic Thing (2010).

See also: “In a study relating to longer term commitments between gay men, results showed that, “For men, homosexual marriage was associated with having older mothers, divorced parents, absent fathers, and being the youngest child. For women, maternal death during adolescence and being the only or youngest child or the only girl in the family increased the likelihood of homosexual marriage. Our study provides population-based, prospective evidence that childhood family experiences are important determinants of heterosexual and homosexual marriage decisions in adulthood.” From: Childhood family correlates of heterosexual and homosexual marriages: a national cohort study of two million Danes - PubMed (nih.gov) (2006)

Childhood trauma and homosexual orientation: Study finds LGBQ people report higher rates of adverse childhood experiences than straight people, worse mental health as adults | VUMC Reporter | Vanderbilt University . The article suggests that trauma is a result of a child’s homosexual orientation, I propose that homosexual orientation is the result of childhood trauma.

See: Catechism of the Catholic Church - PART 3 SECTION 2 CHAPTER 2 ARTICLE 6 (scborromeo.org)

See: Saint John de Brébeuf | The Society of Jesus (jesuits.global) (2023) and A veritable Account of the Martyrdom and Blessed death of Father Jean de (uoregon.edu) (1600’s)

Page 56

See: Do I pray to the Holy Spirit? Pope’s question for us today (aleteia.org) (2023) and General Audience of 16 May 2012 | BENEDICT XVI (vatican.va) (2012)

See: Carthusian | Monasticism, Solitude, Silence | Britannica (1998) and Official Into Great Silence US Trailer - YouTube (2007)

I am paraphrasing his words. See: Into Great Silence - God and Happiness - YouTube (2016)

Luke 12:16-21 NIV - And he told them this parable: “The - Bible Gateway (2023)

Ecclesiastes 1 NIV - Everything Is Meaningless - The words - Bible Gateway (2023)

Genesis 1:27-29 NIV - So God created mankind in his own - Bible Gateway (2023)

Romans 8:29 NRSVACE - For those whom he foreknew he also - Bible Gateway (2023)

Romans 7 NIV - Released From the Law, Bound to Christ - Bible Gateway (2023)

1 Corinthians 13 NIV - If I speak in the tongues of men or of - Bible Gateway (2023)

Page 57

See: Same-Sex Attraction, Chastity, and Porn Attachments | Joseph Sciambra (2017) and Slaves to Sin: The World of BDSM and Why America is Obsessed with Bondage | Joseph Sciambra (2017)

See: Top 10 Studies Showing Risks to Couples in Same-Sex Unions (catholiceducation.org) (2014)

1 Timothy 3:15 NRSVACE - if I am delayed, you may know how one - Bible Gateway (2023) and Matthew 7 NRSVACE - Judging Others - ‘Do not judge, so - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Famous Dream of St. John Bosco: The Two Pillars | AirMaria.com (2023)

Matthew 18:6 NRSVACE - Temptations to Sin - ‘If any of you - Bible Gateway (2023) and Matthew 19:14 NIV - Jesus said, “Let the little children - Bible Gateway (2023)

2 Peter 2 GNT - False Teachers - False prophets - Bible Gateway (2023) and Luke 11:24-26 Luke 11 GNT - Jesus' Teaching on Prayer - One - Bible Gateway (2023)

2 Peter 2 NRSVACE - False Prophets and Their Punishment - Bible Gateway (2023).

See also: “Church as Boat (or Barque)—This image harks back to the Old Testament. A flood came upon the earth, and those who embarked on Noah’s Ark were saved. At the end of the ordeal, a dove appeared to herald new life.—The Church is the new ark which saves mankind from the floods of sin and death. The Holy Spirit is the dove that brings new life.—In the New Testament, many episodes in Christ’s life are linked with boats. Jesus promised Peter, who spent his life on boats, that he would no longer catch fish but men. Though a storm raged on the Sea of Galilee, the boat was not imperiled because Christ was in it. Christ would sometimes preach from the boat of Peter.—This imagery lent itself to ideas of how churches should be built. It’s significant that the central aisle of a church is called the nave, because the word comes from the Latin navis, which mean ship. And the vaulted ceilings of gothic churches are shaped as a ship’s keel.—It wasn’t too far-fetched that Orson Welles preached from a ship-shaped pulpit in the 1956 film version of Moby Dick.—Because Peter was the Prince of the Apostles and because the Bishop of Rome is the successor of St. Peter, the Church is sometimes called the Barque of Peter.” From: 4 Metaphors that help us understand what the Church is (aleteia.org) (2020).

See also: Ezekiel 13 NIV - False Prophets Condemned - The word of - Bible Gateway (2023) and Matthew 23:23-39 NIV - “Woe to you, teachers of the law and - Bible Gateway (2023). Then, for an example of how to read the Bible as ‘gay affirming,’ see: ‘Design Tags (ause.ca)’ (2020), and for further examples of ways the orthodox catholic faith is being questioned and challenged, see:‘Bp. Strickland: SSPX 'not in schism,' Pope Francis is 'undermining the deposit of faith' - LifeSite (lifesitenews.com) (2023); ‘Renewing the Tradition: The theological project of James Alison | America Magazine’ (2014); and ‘Blog - New Ways Ministry’ (2023)

See: What Do Bodies of Water Symbolize in the Bible? | ApplyGodsWord.com (2018) and The symbolism of water in the Old Testament (aleteia.org) (2020)

See: Catholic LGBTQ conference talks controversies, but focuses on affirmation, love | National Catholic Reporter (ncronline.org) (2023) and Will the Catholic church still be standing in a few generations? | National Catholic Reporter (ncronline.org) (2012)

See: Is Hell a Choice Made on Earth? (catholiceducation.org) (2003)

Luke 16:19-31 ESV - The Rich Man and Lazarus - “There was - Bible Gateway (2023)

2 Thessalonians 1:6-8 NIV;KJV - God is just: He will pay back trouble - Bible Gateway (2023)

Ezekiel 18 NCV - God Is Fair - The LORD spoke his word - Bible Gateway (2023)

St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta. See: (8) Firing Line with William F. Buckley Jr.: Mother Teresa Talks with William F. Buckley Jr. - YouTube (1989)

Pages 58 & 59

See: Pope Francis Canonizes Parents of the “Greatest Saint of Modern Times” (aleteia.org) (2015)

See: Dead Gay Porn Stars: 2016-2018 | Joseph Sciambra (2018) and Many porn stars viewed online are actually dead and buried…their ‘work’ killed them (thebridgehead.ca) (2019)

Matthew 5 ESV - The Sermon on the Mount - Seeing the - Bible Gateway (2023) and Matthew 24 NIV - The Destruction of the Temple and Signs - Bible Gateway (2023)

Lamentations 1 NIV - How deserted lies the city, once so - Bible Gateway (2023) and Ephesians 5:8-14 NIV - For you were once darkness, but now you - Bible Gateway (2023). See also: St. John of the Cross: The Dark Night poem - St John of the Cross (best-poems.net) (2023)

The Dark Night – by St. John of the Cross

One dark night,
fired with love's urgent longings
- ah, the sheer grace! -
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.

In darkness, and secure,
by the secret ladder, disguised,
- ah, the sheer grace! -
in darkness and concealment,
my house being now all stilled.

On that glad night
in secret, for no one saw me,
nor did I look at anything
with no other light or guide
than the One that burned in my heart.

This guided me
more surely than the light of noon
to where he was awaiting me –
- him I knew so well -
there in a place where no one appeared.

O guiding night!
O night more lovely than the dawn!
O night that has united
the Lover with his beloved,
transforming the Beloved into his Lover.

Upon my flowering breast,
which I kept wholly for him alone,
there he lay sleeping,
and I caressing him
there in a breeze from the fanning cedars.

When the breeze blew from the turret,
as I parted his hair,
it wounded my neck
with its gentle hand,
suspending all my senses.

I abandoned and forgot myself,
laying my face on my Beloved;
all things ceased; I went out from myself,
leaving my cares
forgotten among the lilies.

Psalm 119:105-130 NRSVACE - Your word is a lamp to my feet and a - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: Celebrating the Saints (catholiceducation.org) (2018)

“Not long ago, you were foreigners and enemies, in the way that you used to think and the evil things that you did; but now he has reconciled you, by his death and in that mortal body. Now you are able to appear before him holy, pure and blameless – as long as you persevere and stand firm on the solid base of the faith, never letting yourselves drift away from the hope promised by the Good News, which you have heard, which has been preached to the whole human race, and of which I, Paul, have become the servant.” Colossians 1:21-23. See: Colossians - Chapter 1 - Bible - Catholic Online

Deuteronomy 32:4,1 Corinthians 10:4 KJV - He is the Rock, his work is perfect: - Bible Gateway (2023); Matthew 7:24-27 NLT;NIV - Building on a Solid Foundation - Bible Gateway (2023) and John 15 NRSVACE - Jesus the True Vine - ‘I am the true - Bible Gateway (2023)

See: The Four Degrees of Love - Bernard of Clairvaux | Renovaré (renovare.org) (1993)

See: Saint Basil the Great, Archbishop of Caesarea in Cappadocia - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2023) and Saint Gregory the Theologian, Archbishop of Constantinople - Orthodox Church in America (oca.org) (2023)

See: The Crossroads Initiative - Sts Basil and Gregory, Two Bodies One Spirit - Gregory Nazianzen - Crossroads Initiative (2018)

Listen to 😊 Graves into Gardens - YouTube by · The Worship Initiative · Shane & Shane (2020)

+ALL GLORY BE TO GOD – FATHER, SON, HOLY SPIRIT – NOW AND FOREVER! AMEN!+

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